Breathless

A self-diagnosed hypochondriac

20-06-2020

I don't think I can yet start to talk about the month that my dad spent in the hospital. I will at some point, but for now, I will try to live with the consequences such traumatic experience left. 

As I am writing this, my dad is washing. I have just asked him how he feels, if he feels dizzy or if he has felt the heaviness in his chest. I get anger in return, which is a vague answer that could mean anything. I know I am annoying, trying to analyse his health and watch out for any new symptoms that may arise, but it is answer like that that make me feel anxious; he has an extensive history of trying to hide things from us. 

My positive prediction is: he doesn't feel dizzy, and he hasn't felt the heaviness in his chest. He is just annoyed that I keep asking the same questions. 

Ah, here comes my negative thoughts. What if he hasn't answered because he doesn't feel okay and he doesn't want me to force him to go to the hospital? We have gone to the hospital for the heaviness in his chest and everything came out as relatively normal. 

I constantly try to convice myself that he is okay. He has been out of the hospital for a month and a week. The major complications we should look out for are deep vein thrombosis, heart attack and pulmonary embolism, all of which make me very, very anxious. 

Sometimes I can convince myself he is okay,and that he will be okay. That is when I focus in other people's health. 

For example, yesterday I started to look at my mother's moles and found out that she has a new mole. The websites say that all new moles after the age of 50 should be regarded suspiciously, and should be checked by a dermatologist. Her mole is linear, about 4.5mm wide, dark brown but I can also see some light brown. Of course I am worried about cancer, about melanoma and of course I want the doctors to catch it early, when it is in situ, if it is cancer. Therefore, I have requested a GP appointment ASAP for my mother. 

Now, my own health. I keep feeling some sort of squishy/hardish lump on my left breast. I've gone to the doctor for it and he said it is my breast tissue, but that it seemed that whatever it should disappear 2 weeks after my period. It has been 5 days since my period ended and the little thing is there. It hurts and it makes me very, very nervous. The rational side of me tries to tell me most lumps are benign, especially at people my age. However, it does keep me up at night. I fear it might be breast cancer. 

Yesterday I couldn't sleep because I have a suspicious mole on my head, that has been monitored before. It is a mole that is symmetrical, and everything about it is normal except that it has a brown-yellowish pigmentation around it. I will have it checked again, but my dad was able to put my mind at ease about it. To be honest, I have similar moles around my body, but none are as big as this one. My dad was able to put my mind at ease this morning, but yesterday I had to take a sleeping pill to finally go to sleep. I fear today it be the same, because of my breast anxiety.