One More Step

Chapter Three - Dear Leaving Family

Hhhnnn so I'm kinda stressed about this even though I'm just doing it so I can hopefully get better at writing, but I still want people to read it and give constructive criticism. Sorry for that little rant, hope you enjoy!

And as always, I hate reading my own works, so this isn't proof read very well. If there are any mistakes, PLEASE tell me!

Quinn's POV:

Dear Leaving Family,

I'm stressed. I'm so so stressed. I have no idea what to do with my life, and I'm constantly thinking about how others would do it. 

Am I doing it wrong? I have no fucking clue. How is life done properly? Are there multiple ways to do this correctly? I wish someone would just tell me a straight answer. Well, as straight as it can be for someone like me.

I just wish life could be easier for everyone. Then we wouldn't have to deal with everyone trying to push their opinions on you, or tell you you're not good enough, or say you matter but then leave the second you make a mistake.

Why can't we just live peaceful lives without any problems or doubts?

That would be the life, even though it's an impossible one.

I have so many questions. But I know that they can't all be answered, and it will take time to find the solutions to my problems, so for now I just have to keep pushing through until that day arrives. The day where it all makes sense. The day where everything finally clicks in place. I'll be waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Waiting.

There is one thing I want to understand before that day though. I want to understand him. I want to understand why everything happened, why it was the way it was.

I want to understand him.

I could always ask, but I wouldn't know what to say or what to do. I need to figure out my own feelings and problems before I face him.

Although, I fear it may be too late if I wait until then.

I can still always try, I guess. But maybe in this case, I'll confront him now and suffer the consequences later. No need to put something off until tomorrow if we don't even know if there will be a tomorrow.

I wonder if we could ever be friends again. I hope so. He still means a lot to me, even after everything. I'll confront him, and if we make up, great. And if we don't, it won't change much, if anything. I really hope we can be friends again, I mean, I've been over him for goodness knows how long now, and because it was all fake for him then it shouldn't be too awkward, right?

Do they care enough to save me?

Do they care enough to learn the truth?

Do they care enough to stay after they've heard the truth?

I wonder. But I guess some answers are left for another time, even if that time may be never.

I love my family, and I know they love me, but it's still so hard to live with them. No parent is perfect, obviously, but I honestly don't know when it becomes to be 'too much'. Is there a limit? There has to be. I just don't know how far that limit can be stretched.

"I love you". It's such a meaningful phrase, but to me, it never held that precious meaning in the first place. I grew up with that one little phrase being thrown around all the time, so I never really realized just how much that could mean to some people.

Now I know, though. I never say it anymore because I've never had a real reason to. I don't have anyone to say that to now, and I'm fine with that. I may never say it to someone other than my family again, and while yes, part of me wishes I could, overall I don't mind.

There is someone to whom I would like to say it to, though. I'll most likely never actually be able to say it. And - quite honestly - I don't know if I even can, seeing as it would most definitely end in disaster, and as both our families are super against what it would entail and would lock me up forever if they found out.

I'm also worried. I'm worried that this - whatever this is - will end almost the second it would start. I don't know if they fell the way I did. The way I am. I tried to stop myself, I tried denying it for the longest time, tried convincing myself that it wasn't real and that if anything happened it would turn out the way it did before, but this time with me as the fake.

I'm still scared. I have no idea what to do right now. Should I go with it? Should I wait? Is this even real? Is everything I've been feeling fake? I have no clue and I'm terrified.

————————————————

I get up at the sound of my phone buzzing, indicating a new message. It's from them.

💖Beka💖 - Hey, are you still coming on the walk?

Me - Yeah, we are. What 'bout you guys?

💖Beka💖 - You know it

💖Beka💖 - Can't wait to see you~

Me - Yep! See ya soon

I sigh with a small smile while moving to get changed for the hike. On Wednesdays, we and some other people go to a park near us and walk around for a few hours. I hate walking because it makes my legs hurt and ache way more than they already do, but I always look forward to these small excursions. Probably because I get to see them. I used to see them every Friday - our co-op day - but ever since quarantine cancelled our being able to meet, I've started to see them less and less.

I think about how I wish our families would let us see each other more often. I know my family (at least, my parents) don't particularly like them, and it's probably because of what happened a few years back with us emailing each other, but that was years ago. I was in what, fifth? Sixth grade? I would think that they would understand a sense of time, and that just because something happened in the (far) past, it doesn't mean it will happen again. Sure, it can happen, but it doesn't mean it will for sure. If you hold on to the past, nothing will change in the future. Now that doesn't mean we can't learn from the past - which we should - but it does mean that holding onto something for too long will only make it hurt more in the future. And I should know.

Even if it causes me physical pain, I think with a small smile, it's totally worth it

Hhhhheeeyyyyy! Sooo, I haven't posted in a while. A very, very long while.~(￣▽￣)~ And this ended up turning from about my family to others sooo yeah. Oops, my bad! My main writing platform is now over on Ao3 (still AngelOfDiligence on there too) and so I've been kinda ignoring my stories here on Wattpad. Sorry 'bout that! Well, I hope you all enjoyed another chapter of my life, even though this isn't up to date at all 😅

~Angel