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Chapter Four - Dear Falling Loved One

macandchess

Dear Falling Loved One,

I love.

I love, and I hate it.

I love, even though I know it will only hurt them later.

But I can't help it - loving. I can't stop loving people and I hate it. I want it to stop. Everyone I've ever loved, whether it be platonic or romantic, has been hurt so much by me. And I know it's selfish, but I can't stop.

It's not like I intend to hurt them, I just do.

I don't want to cause this kind of misery, but it seems that no matter where I go, it follows. And it only causes pain and suffering wherever I go.

I want it to stop.

I need it to stop.

I want to stop.

I need to stop.

I want to die.

I need to die.

That's the only way, right? To die?

If I die, then it will stop. All the pain and suffering I've caused will stop. It will end. This curse will end with me.

No children to pass it onto.

No interactions to influence.

No way to cause pain.

No way to hurt the people I love.

No accidental legacy to leave behind

But... doesn't that also mean-?

No future with the one I love

No chance to learn the things I've always wanted to

No interactions that could save someone's life

No way of telling people how much they mean to me

No way to take the pain and burden off others

Yeah, part of me wants to live, even if only just for one person. But if I've learned anything it's that, "You can't live for one person". That's what I've always said, right? I do still think that, but, I'm going to change it just a little and say instead, "You can't live for one person if there's even the slightest chance of them leaving".

Funnily enough though, I found someone. I can't believe it happened, but I did. I finally found someone that I could see my future with. I haven't been able to picture my future past high school since I was eleven. Yet now of all times, I can. For the first time in what felt like forever, I could see myself as an adult. With a house. With a job. With a family, even if it was only me and her. And somehow, I think she felt similar.

Funny, right? I finally found someone I love more than anything, and I'm the one who leaves with a lie.

I'm the one who left.

I'm the one who broke both our hearts.

It doesn't matter that I had to do it, just that I did.

Because no matter how much I loved her, we couldn't be together. Right person, wrong time.

And she only knows part of it. Yeah, there were many things that we either disagreed on, or that were causing problems, but I would have been more than willing to talk them through or get help from an expert. But we would do it together. But that's impossible now. It all is. I can't see my future anymore, even though she begged me to at least just stay alive. But, I don't want to anymore. This is all my fault and yet, I'm the one who's getting destroyed. I don't know how hurt she is, if she even is at all.