Phantom Pain [BL - SaifahZon] //COMPLETED//

River of Thoughts - Part 1

Zon was lying down on his bed, his head spinning. The heat outside was unbearable, even with the fan turned on. Sweat was dripping down his body, his limbs feeling numb. The whole household was already in a deep sleep, only Zon was still awake. The fan was steadily humming a soft song, his shirt was sticking to his chest making him aware of every part of his body, and a small fly was buzzing around the ceiling.

But what was keeping him awake, was the buzz in his head. Overwhelming. Loud. Almost as if there was a hive of wild thoughts inside. One image overlapping another, one word louder than anything before. There was no way his mind would jump off this carousel of thoughts and let him fall asleep. This was one of those sleepless nights, when the warmth of the touch and sweetness of the kisses were haunting him again.

He shut his eyes and shifted on the bed. A long sigh escaped his mouth as he touched his lips, now parched. Kissing was a weird act, he had to admit. Even weirder when it wasn't only lips involved. But he missed it. He missed it so hard. He really wanted to feel someone's heaviness on him, someone's breath against his skin and someone's heartbeat under his fingers again. He really missed having someone to share space with.

And to think that in reality he never had experienced any of these! All these sensations were only his imagination; all of these were only in his mind!

Except for feeling someone's lips on his. That one – and only – he actually knew. He blinked a few times staring off into space. That moment got back to him. He hated it. He hated it was Saifah who stole his first kiss. He hated the circumstances. And yet, it was something he held dear now. Something he cherished as the only proof of a connection between them.

But what if it wasn't about Saifah after all? If he felt empty in his heart, like a puzzle missing a piece, not because he was missing Saifah but just because he was missing the fuzzy warmth he felt in the dream? And Saifah was there, playing the role of his partner, only because he didn't know the kiss of anyone else?

Zon frowned. That made sense, actually. Perfect sense. After his talk with Saifah, despite it causing him a lot of pain, he was finally ready to move on. And he did. At least to a certain extent. After all these crying sessions whenever he saw Saifah around, he started behaving around him like he used to. Well, sort of. Sometimes he still felt tense when he saw him, shivered when he felt his breath on his neck or lost himself in his eyes when Saifah looked at him. But not always, and at least he was able to snap back at him like before.

One could say it was progress.

Then, it had to be that it wasn't about Saifah. That made sense. After all, everyone wanted to be loved. He just liked the thought of having someone special, someone who could support him when feeling insecure, who could lift his spirits up, someone who could make him feel attractive and important... Yes, it must've been it. He didn't yearn for Saifah, he yearned for attention. And that was it. Nothing else.

Holding on to the idea, he grabbed his phone. In his dream he felt loved and it felt good. If that was what he wanted, he could have it. No problem at all. With a slightly fastened heartbeat he clicked on the menu. Why didn't he think about it sooner? After all it was Saifah who told him to find someone else. So right now, the only thing he needed was a proper date and everything would be back to normal. He would feel a bit of romance, some butterflies in his stomach, maybe he would even blush sometimes to make his dream memories fade away.

But as soon as he downloaded the dating app, it turned out it was not as easy as he thought. He spent more than half an hour on turning down every man that popped up on his screen. Swipe, swipe, swipe... his fingers moved automatically. He frowned again. Maybe he wasn't into men after all? He definitely couldn't imagine himself with any of them. Maybe it was only in his dream and he was straight after all, like he always thought he was?

But he didn't swipe right on any girl either.

With a deep sigh, he deleted the app. It wasn't that he didn't feel attracted to any of the people he saw. On the contrary, he found a lot of girls and boys good-looking and interesting. So what was holding him back from flirting with any of them? Embarrassment? Fear of rejection? Or maybe... something else? No, it couldn't be. He was reconciled with the idea of not being with Saifah. He was even reconciled with the idea that it was all in his head, so why would that hold him back? It didn't add up.

Once again he shifted on the bed and stretched out his arms. His sweat-damp hair stuck to his forehead, his chest moving up and down. Even his favourite clips didn't stimulate him the way he wanted today. He put down his phone and shook his head in confusion. That was something new. But it must've been due to all that stress. Yes, he was stressed, there were just too many thoughts in his head and that's why he couldn't relax.

It was nothing else, just that.

Unless...

Unless it was.