Phantom Pain [BL - SaifahZon] //COMPLETED//

The Saboteur - Part 2

There were only a few centimeters between him and Zon, only a thin space filled with hot breath and unspoken words. Words that suddenly stuck in his throat and fell into separate letters under Zon's gaze. His big eyes were looking directly at Saifah; he could nearly see himself reflected in those pupils. How could he have ever told him no one would date him, if Zon was so breathtaking? And in the dim light he was even more mesmerising.

He surely had cursed himself that day.

"I don't understand..." It was Zon, who broke the silence first. "That doesn't make any sense..."

I like you. Saifah opened his mouth, but nothing came out of them. Instead, his head slumped on Zon's shoulder, making the shorter boy stiffen. The scent of fabric softener made him bury his nose deeper into Zon's shirt. He was a coward, yes, but confessing something that was kept in secret for such a long time was never easy. He wrapped his arms around Zon and drew him even closer. Can he feel my heartbeat?, wondered Saifah. To him it felt as if his heart was about to jump out of his chest. Maybe that would be enough for Zon to understand everything? Maybe there was no need to say anything?

But then he noticed Zon's quiet sobbing and his quivering chest.

"I'm dreaming again, aren't I?" He was snuffling, his eyes full of fear. "I will wake up again and you will be a stranger again and... No, I don't want to... I won't-" he stammered.

Zon was full of dread. If that was another dream, if he was imaginating Saifah loving him only to discover later that it was all a lie yet again, he wouldn't be able to handle this. That would be just too much. His heart would break into pieces and he wouldn't be able to put it together. Ever. No, it wasn't even about his heart, because he never had any hopes in the first place. He was more scared about his mind, that would shatter. Not because of not being loved, but because of the constant fear about whether or not he's experiencing reality.

"Ouch!" He looked down and noticed Saifah painfully pinching his arm. He had a grave expression on his face, his nostrils flaring. Zon had never seen Saifah like this. Not even his imaginary version.

"This is not a dream," said Saifah with an intense look. "I know, you won't probably believe me, but it's not."

"Sai..."

"You're scared that you will wake up and I won't have feelings for you anymore, I get it. But that's impossible, Zon. Freaking impossible!" Zon twitched. The Saifah in his head had never raised his voice on him. He never was so desperate either. "I've liked you for more than a year, I was liking you way before you had this dream, so even if – by any chance – this was another dream, but it's not, just come to me and ask me on a date. Please, do it. I assure you, I will say yes."

Zon blinked several times. Could it be real?

"You did?" He cleared his throat, before answering Saifah's questioning look. "Did you really like me before all that?"

Saifah nodded. "I never told anyone, but I'm pretty sure Junior and Thantai noticed something."

Zon smiled gently. He had to admit, it was nice to know someone had a crush on him for a long time, and the fact that it was Saifah, popular and handsome Saifah, fed his ego even more. But what made him feel so happy about it wasn't Saifah's looks or feelings themselves, but a glimpse of hope that maybe it was in fact the reality.

However, in a blink of an eye, his smile faded away.

"But what if... I don't like you? Not for real?" He bit his lip and looked down. "What if it's only because of the dream?"

There was an awful sense of deja vu about this sentence, and it made Zon shiver. Once again he was questioning his own feelings and the whole reality around him. Was he even wrong that time? Before letting himself truly love Saifah, he was so scared they had grown close to each other too fast and blamed it on a novel. And maybe it wasn't Zol's fiction after all, but it wasn't real either.

"As long as we try, I don't mind," said Saifah, his eyes full of affection.

Zon's heart fluttered. He was more than ready to try. But... what if it actually was another dream? What if he was in some kind of loop and he would keep on waking up again and again only to suffer more, because Saifah would never be his?

Just this thought caused him unbearable pain. Maybe it was in fact better to leave him now...?

"Remember what I told you?" Saifah scratched his neck and looked away. "That maybe you will fall in love for real if you give the person from your dream a chance? I... I will make you fall for me, if you give me this chance..."

Zon looked at him. Every cell in his body wanted it. He wanted to touch Saifah, pull him down and kiss his plump lips. To have what they had in his dream; all those big, romantic scenes and small, meaningless moments. He wanted all that back.

But that was impossible.

Even if Zon would agree, there was no way they would have exactly the same relationship, because this Saifah was a different person.

This thought hit him with another realization. Realization much deeper and eye opening, that shook him to the core. Why was he so blind until now? No, he wasn't blind. Thantai told him a long time ago that he is the reason for his own misery, and it was Zon's own choice to turn a blind eye on the advice.

He slowly took his arm out of Saifah's grip and faced him.

Because of his multiple, endless fears he never risked anything. He had heard that a lot of times, from everyone. But instead of taking it to heart he felt irritated that no one understood him. Now he finally realized they were right. Whether it was about his own novel, trying something new or asking someone out, he was giving up without trying as soon as an obstacle occured. Of course, it was easier. It was safer. Without trying he never failed.
But he never gained anything, either.

If his inner saboteur was telling him now to give up, because there was a small possibility that it was another dream, he should oppose. Whether it was in his dream or in this reality, he was feeling butterflies in his stomach around Saifah and he couldn't imagine just forgetting about him. Even if that was going to be a completely new experience, with a completely new Saifah, he was okay with that. Perhaps, just perhaps, he would wake up again and have to try once more, but there was also this small percentage of a chance that it was actually reality; that Saifah's feelings were real, that his feelings were real... And he was ready to risk it all.

Because he was tired of running away from happiness.

~END~

A/N: This is pretty much the last update for this story. I think I will write an extra scene after the events, but the main story can be considered finished. I hope you all liked the way it finished.

Saifah and Zon changed me the way I didn't think something would. I never actually wrote fanfiction before and yet, here I am. I never thought I will ship real actors either, actually I don't like it normally, and yet - here I am, supporting Mii2 with all my heart (2/08/2020 hits extra hard after LabSociety). As far it really brings joy to my heart and I hope it brings it to yours too :)

At last, I want to say 'thank you' to everyone reading it and supporting me in this project! Without you I would stop after first part. Your comments, votes and questions about continuation gave me a will to finish it the way I wrote it.
I would also like to thank Wendy for proofreading this chapter, my friends from my Lipstick Groupchat and Marceline, for all the support I could have.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I hope we will see each other with my other Saifah x Zon fanfiction, after I write the extra :)


You can follow me on twitter @ AppreciationOwl