Phantom Pain [BL - SaifahZon] //COMPLETED//

River of Thoughts - Part 2

Zon walked into the bar with a wan face. He wasn't in the mood for sitting in a corner and awkwardly sipping his drink, but he had promised Tutor to pop up even for a moment. And, to be fair, he never was in the mood for bars for that matter. He looked around but he didn't really know anyone except for Tutor, who – to be honest – wasn't ecstatic about the idea either. But he let HwaHwa hold his birthday party, because he knew how much it meant to her. Zon admired that – he would probably kill his friends before they could even come up with such an idea.

Or end up suffering inside after being tricked into such celebration.

"So... how are you?" asked Tutor, when they went to order drinks.

Zon leaned on the counter and sighed heavily. How could he tell his friend that these feelings were coming in waves? That sometimes he felt like he finally moved on, there was no tight feeling in his chest nor blue thoughts in his head... But sometimes it all came back to him. And then, he forced himself to wear a smiling mask, to seem like the funniest guy in the group, to throw jokes right and left but inside...inside he was still just an empty shell.

And there were also days when a whole tidal wave of emotions swept over him and all he could do was let it float him.

"Good, much better, thanks." Zon smiled in response. "I'm still figuring things out."

"You know you can always talk to me, right?"

Zon nodded. A warm feeling filled his chest. He did know, that's why he already opened up to Tutor a bit, but it was always nice to hear that anyway and be reassured about their friendship. A small smile brightened his face. He actually had good friends. Not only Tutor, but also Zen and Thantai were always there for him. He was forgetting about it all the time and he would probably forget about it again as soon as he came back home, but right now, in that particular moment, he couldn't feel more grateful.

Two drinks later he started thinking that going out wasn't that bad after all. It wasn't his favourite way of spending time and he did spend a lot of money, but there were some pros after all. Or at least things he would normally despise didn't seem that bad. Talks with strangers allowed him to make new acquaintances (even if he would never talk to them again) and club music made him expand his horizons (only to ensure him that he didn't like it). But the biggest plus was that alcohol running through his veins made him feel relaxed.

"Tor, I'm going to the bar, do you want something?"

"I'm gonna go with you."

When they were standing in line, Zon closed his eyes. He cleared his mind and let his thoughts just flow through him. Suddenly, his surrounding became more vivid, more vibrant. His nostrils filled up with the pungent scent of alcohol and sweat. There was the clink of glasses. Merry laughter bursted out somewhere. The buzz of conversations mixed with monotonous, pulsating rhythm of music. He could hear it. He could hear it all. The sound of pouring liquid, and the rattle of small ice cubes, too.

For the first time in weeks he put his mind at ease and all the tension in him disappeared with next exhale.

He was free.

"Sorry for being late. Happy birthday, Tor."

Or so he thought.

His heart skipped a beat. With his mind relaxed and empty, the voice he didn't expect to hear took him by surprise. His breath became short and fast. He felt kind of dizzy. What is he doing here, he thought, even though he knew. Saifah was a good friend.

He had to blink several times to calm his pounding heart and when he took a deep breath, he realised there was actually nothing to go crazy about.

He couldn't let him get into his head. Not again.