the case study ~ camren

Warm

Camila goes quiet, but somehow, she's never been so loud.

She gives in-depth answers to my questions, further highlighting the shaky foundations on which she was raised. She tells me all about how her mother would show her how to restrain a man with zip ties in ways that would induce the highest levels of pain, while her father would train her how to hold herself together while being waterboarded. She tells me about her sister, Sofi—who she becomes evidently nervous to talk about and spends a good thirty minutes panicking about her safety—, and how they'd often fantasize about leading a "normal" life, or pretend they were princesses in a far-away kingdom, an act that'd often lead to Camila spending a night or two in the basement, sometimes with company to really drive home the message that Camila is not to be a magical, peaceful princess but that she is to live life—no, rule—in the shadows of the world, where her demons reside. She fills the room with an overload of information day after day, but I still sense the void left by her cold exterior. Besides that spike of anxiety surrounding her younger sibling, she has no emotion. She's full of memories, but she's empty.

Normani is pleased, it seems, that Camila acts this way around her, too. To her, of course, she's simply a compliant client, open and willing to try anything Normani puts her up to. She doesn't quite notice the lack of expressions, the absolute absence of smiles, as the warmth I was just getting used to once again leaked from her eyes. While I despise the icy atmosphere, I can't help but be grateful for it, too. It's helping Normani in the ongoing case and therefore helping Camila, which is all I really want. Her opening up to me more as far as her history goes helps me help her too, as I'm able to grant her techniques to truly process what she's been through and how it makes her feel, though I'm not entirely sure she takes it in.

Still, I'm bothered so much that even Ally notices. While I can't give away too many details, especially not over my beloved daily pastry, Ally suggests that I allow the girl complete control over the conversation as they've all been rather question-oriented recently, so I do. I set up the tablet, hit record, and simply sit here for a while, watching as she picks at the stained bandage still wrapped around her hand, with hopes that she'll fill the silence on her own.

For a while, nothing happens. I begin to worry, concerned I may have lost access to her mind and considering prompting another journey into her last, but then it seems to work.

She clears her throat and casts her abyssal gaze down to her hands, taking a deep breath. "Dr Jauregui?"

God, as cliché as it is, nothing quite compares to the way my name rolls off her tongue.

"Yes?" I do my best to keep my voice calm, casual, and warm, but I'm sure my nervous excitement at her leading is present in my tone. It can't be subtle, what with the way my spine stretches with eagerness as I cling to her every word.

"Do you remember when..." she shakes her head and leans back in her seat, her hair falling into her face slightly. I slip my hands below my thighs to avoid reaching out and tucking the stray strands behind her ear. Since that day in the cell when she returned from the courtroom, we haven't touched. It's become harder not to launch myself at her when she's brought into my vicinity, especially after nights when my dreams create new scenes with our interactions, teasing me with normalcy and freedom. "Do you remember when I told you about my extremes? Those are part of my, uh, the disorders, right?"

I nod, humming softly. Her fingers shake with the strain of how far she splays them.

"How do I switch between them?"

My brows furrow and she shoots a brief glance up at me. "What do you mean?"

"It switched and I wanna go back." She shifts in her seat.

My mind replays the sound of her previous words, words that plagued me for days on end. I either want to die or kill. I glance at the screen beside us. "How are you feeling, Camila?"

She sniffs sharply, almost a scoff, and I hear the chains around her legs rattle. Her head drops a touch more as if hoping if she hangs it low enough, nobody will be able to hear her mumbled confession. "I don't like hurting people, but I think about it so fucking much." After a moment's pause, she continues, "I can't sleep. Not without— without thinking about how it felt when I... y'know. It was like, um, I didn't want to and it hurt to do it but—" her lips fall soft and hang slightly apart. I can hear each of her soft pants; or maybe they're mine, I can't quite tell. When she looks up at me, the sound stops. "I liked how warm the blood was on my fingers," She scans my face slowly, "And my cheek, when I hugged them... when they wouldn't hurt me anymore."

My own mouth falls agape—in pity, I think—but we both leap out of our skins when alarms suddenly ring out into the room, temporarily deafening me as she yelps and presses her head to the table just to cover her ears. All inhibitions leave my body as I scramble to her side of the table, running my hand over her back and finally tucking away that hair, hushing her softly even as I grow worried over the cause of the alarm, especially when I hear the door lock click shut before an officer can inform us of just what exactly is going on. Camila continues to shake in my hands, even as my legs grow weary and I sink to the floor beside her, head pounding with the incessant ringing. Distracted by my hopes that someone will open the door, I attempt to reach out and slide my hand between hers and her head, but she only squeals again, shaking her head as she tightens her grasp on herself.

"Please don't," she mutters, voice still shockingly vacant. "Don't let me hurt you, too. Please."

...
Oops 😬 I don't know what happened with that long ass break between chapters but uh here's a chapter I wrote all in one go out of nowhere! Hopefully I'll be able to get back to my more frequent updates, I've just been feeling pretty meh lately so it's been a lot harder to write. Quarantine really is starting to wear me down.

Thoughts on this chapter/what you want to see next?