Broken

Battlefield

Its four am. I have spent the entire night tossing and turning, replaying last night's event. I sit up out of bed and reach down for my back pack on the floor. I switch on the light next to my bed that provides a warm glow. It's now or never. I pick up my notebook and pen.

Everyone I have ever loved or thought that I loved has hurt me. Not just emotionally but physically. I grew up in a violent household. My parents were violent with each other and they spent most of my childhood at war. I lived on a battlefield, where words were swords, and fist arrows. Beyond the battlefield were forests and in those forests my family played. We didn't go to the forest often enough, but we did go. Retreating to the forest filled my heart with hurricanes of emotion. A constant tug of war pulled me between the battlefield and the forest. Each day I woke up not knowing which grounds lay out before me. Would we be on the battlefield or deep in the forest secure beneath the trees, where sunshine peeked down, with promise? Even when I was in the forest I could hear the canyons of the battlefield ringing out in my ears, like an explosion that has taken away my hearing, leaving me with a permanent hum, a constant reminder, that at any moment, the wind could sweep me up and toss me back in the middle of the battlefield. That is how I spent my days, trying to run to the forest, trying to stay in the forest, only to be swept up against my will and tossed back in the middle of the bloody war. Eventually I found comfort on the battlefield, it's sick but it's true. I started to resent that the forest provided me anything at all. I become skilled at surviving the war. I spent time sharpening my swords, mastering how to use them. Slowly the battlefield grew wider, cutting down the forest that provides oxygen to my lungs. All good things left as the trees fell and the field widen, like birds flocking south in the autumn sky, because home could not be found. I know I can't stay on the battlefield; the war must come to an end at some point, but the path to the forest I once knew has changed. The path has turned into a maze, where the trees mock me with scowling faces; the branches poke at my skin, when I try to find my way. The leaves curl down and collide together, blocking out the sun. It's dark and the only thing I have left is the sword that I carry and scars that remind me that I am my only protection. I once thought I met a knight that was going to show me the way to the forest, but as he grew near the horse that he rode upon turned black and he too, fought with swords, and casted arrows at me, shifting and creating more walls in the maze, that separates the battlefield and the forest. I keep thinking that if I can just get through the maze in front of me, maybe just maybe the canyons will halt. The battlefield has manipulated my mind, I have been here for so long now, that I question if the forest is even what I remember. I am running out of time, if I stay any longer on the battlefield I will spend eternity here, but I don't know how to get out.

My pen drops to my lap, I curl in a ball on my bed, and for the first time in ages, I sob. Once I started I couldn't make it stop. I hear small knocking at my door, and Nikki's soft voice calls out to me. "Ella, are you OK?"

"I'm fine." I say switching off the light next to my bed, welcoming the darkness that weighs down on me like a blanket.

.......

It's a little passed eleven when I wake up. I am exhausted, but at least I did actually get some sleep. I grab my phone and a smoke out of my purse, and head out on the patio.

"Hello?" Steph answers and I can hear glasses clanking around.

"Hey Steph, how are you?" I ask to be polite.

"Oh well I am OK, considering last night was a complete shit show." She says honestly.

"Yeah well that's why I am calling, I need to know..... did you go to Damon's last night?" I ask awkwardly because it is so out of character for me to be nosy.

"Yeah I did. It was awkward. Alex was extremely pissed off, and Damon wouldn't leave him alone, so Damon and I sat down in the gym, while Alex boxed for what felt like forever. He has a big fight tonight, and Damon wanted to try and talk down some of his anger last night, so that Alex would be in like the right state of mind for tonight" She draws in a deep breath, "Something about the money that Damon has on Alex winning."

Seriously! Damon is worried about his damn money. I light up my smoke and lean back on the patio railing. "Steph, I am going to come in for my shift, but do you mind if I duck out early?" I ask inhaling deeply from my smoke.

"You actually have two options. Courtney just got back from holiday and she actually was just in here, asking if there are any shifts this week she can pick up, so you could just have her come in, or you can come in and leave out early, doesn't matter to me either way."

"Is Malak there?" I ask, flicking my smoke over the railing.

"Ella?" Malak's voice cuts through the phone. What the hell she just handed the phone to Malak?

"Malak, you mind if Courtney works tonight for me?" I ask hesitantly. After all the drama that has gone down, I hate to be MIA.

"Ella, do you just want to take the weekend off?" The music got louder and it almost drowned out his voice making it hard for me to distinguish his temperament.

"Yeah actually that would be great!" I say, loudly so he can hear me and then the phone goes dead.

Was he pissed? Shit. I have worked there for three years now and have never called off. Let it go.

I take a shower and try to relieve some of my anxieties. Nothings working. Nikki is gone. I go into my room and kneel down on the floor. I slide my hand underneath my bed and pull out a bottle of Bacardi. It's been a couple of days. I have been doing good. I deserve just a little. I unscrew the top and sit up with my head against my bed. Alex has a big fight tonight. "I'll always catch you." "I'll always catch you." I screw the top back on without taking a drink and toss the bottle under the bed. I am going to that fight.