When I was a kid the only "Karen" other than myself I knew of was the girl on Frosty the Snowman. Now Karen is a type, not always my type.
So here I am and this is just a place where I can write about anything. Yes I'm going to say it, it's a blog/d...
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Things that Make me Happy. So many things make me happy, the sound of rain outside my window, the warm blanket on a cool day. Cuddling with my cat or pup on the couch will watching a favorite movie or show. Binge watching a great series. Spending great time with my family. Watching my daughter master a new skill in gymnastics. Seeing the excitement in her face as she realizes that she has taken first place at a meet. Seeing my older daughters number on my caller id.
As I have gotten older I have realized that the things I find make me the happiest are the smaller things the things I never realized mattered before. I can think of one very clear example of this as a very young child every year the Best Company catalog would arrive in our mailbox in the fall and my brother and I would look through it analyze it and carefully craft the perfect Christmas list. But one thing for sure every year on my list would be one item, the Snoopy Snocone machine. Oh how I wanted to be able to make delicious snow cones in my very own home. Oh what a treat. I put it on my list and would tell every Santa that was what I wanted. And every Christmas morning I would rush downstairs and under the tree I would find all sorts of wonderful gifts but never the coveted snowcone machine. I was raised where you didn't complain about what you didn't get. So I never told my parents how crushed I was not to have not gotten this simple item. Had I maybe I would have a completely different outlook on things so I am kind of glad I never got it. So years went on and I grew older and well it became silly to want the silly toy when I also wanted things like a stereo and cool clothes. But somewhere in the back of my head I still thought I could never be happy without that snoopy snow cone machine, I mean look how happy those kids on the commercial were. Middle school came and bullying went. High school came and went and I still was never happy with me. I never felt like a person who fit in and honestly somewhere deep down I blamed that damn snowcone machine. Had a baby, should have made me happy right. She did, she was beautiful and still is. But at that time i still didn't love me, I didn't know me so how could I be happy... oh great idea... drugs can make you happy right... yup that will work... and it did for a while, then they wore off and well guess what I was still me and I still didn't have that damn snoopy snow cone. Had another kid and as she grew guess what I started thinking about what made me happy... and I started doing things that made me happy. So it was almost Christmas and I was in a store and sitting on a shelf there it was Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. So I bought it not for me, ok damnit for me, but for me to give it my daughter for Christmas. She opened it that Christmas morning. She was so excited. As was I her eyes all aglow. The commercials had been running nonstop on tv. So we opened it up excited about our wonderful homemade snow cones. 15 minutes later and 3 bleeding knuckles I had managed to crush 1 ice cube which was exactly about a quarter of the Dixie cup worth of ice. She had lost interest and I was bleeding into the cup. Neither of us were happy. But I had learned a huge lesson as she brought me handful of bandaids. It was never about the stupid thing. What makes me happiest is knowing that I can sit in my own skin and like me for me and just be me. Although the ravens winning and big bowls of guacamole and pitchers of margaritas while friends laugh and smile. Warm sun on my face with my toes in the sand reading a good book. Sleeping knowing that no alarm will wake me, long drives to nowhere. Spontaneous trips and long days at disney are other nice things that make me happy but just knowing that I live in a world where I can free write these words and not fear repression and repercussions is pretty cool too. I am happy today to be me and to be able to write freely. I am happy to have a rare disease that lets me be a voice for the few. In closing I will say if you asked me just 12 years ago when I was just out of rehab what made me happy I actually had a notebook and about this time I think I might have only had about 70 or so things on that list. I gave up keeping that list when I filled the second notebook and I realized I was allowed to be happy and like things for myself, not because other people told me to like them. It was kind of a weird feeling in my 30's to learn that I was allowed to be happy for me. So in the immortal words of Bobby Mcfarrin "Don't Worry, Be Happy"
****************************** Vote and comment what makes you really happy?
