i give you my heart.

anonymous.

This emotion or feeling is something that I haven't given a name yet because even i dont understand what it is.

Lying. It's a talent of mine. Though some may say that all teenagers lie it's normal. But why do I feel the need to lie about everything that I am? Why do i lie and tell people things that aren't true about me? Maybe it's because my childhood wasn't the best, but then again I always tell the truth about personal matters.

What people dont know about me is that I dont care. Example My sister's grandpa's funeral, I couldn't cry. I had to force myself to make it look like I was crying. Does that make me a bad person? 

If i dont cry at funerals do I not have emotions? Do I just lie about that too?

I have a friend who calls me a robot because "I have no emotions" because I dont feel bad making fun of someone.

Am i a robot?

Maybe I'm just a bully who doesn't care about what other people think?

But no that's not true either I care what other people think of me.

Maybe, just maybe I care so much about what people think that I put a wall around myself.

August 25th 2021
I still haven't thought if a name for this emotion I'm leaning towards empty but I dont know of that's even an emotion.

on January of 2021 I turned toward drugs to help me with my feelings I lost the friends who had once called me a robot and the ones who had declared me the prettiest friend.

I made new friends who I eventually lost on my down fall.

I'd like to say I've made it back to my original happy self but it just wouldn't be true.

I'm making progress and I'm better then I ever was.

on September 21st of 2020 I had my first and only suicide attempt since then I was hospitalized a total of 5 times.

funny how things turn out.