Falling Again

9

I spent the next few days sleeping on the couch in the same clothes from when I relapsed. I can't go near my room. I should have flushed the heroin, I don't know why I didn't.

It's been a week since my relapse and I haven't used anything since. I'm quite proud of myself, actually. Louis blew me up more every day but I don't want to talk to him until he's back, we talk better in person.

I haven't had any withdrawals in two days so I figured I could go into town to celebrate. I showered tensely and grabbed clean clothes from my dresser and headed out.

-

I called in a coffee order so I wouldn't have to sit and think in there while I waited. I picked it up and drove a little ways out of the small town to the wilderness park. I pulled into the empty dirt parking lot and stepped out of the car, admiring the beautiful pines lining the edge of the lot.

A small dirt path was highlighted by two tall wooden poles holding an old sign that read, "Perry Wilderness Park" in golden letters against a dark green background. I started towards the path.

To my left I could see the steep tree lined trail descending to the small stream. Tall, skinny pines dominated the area, only letting a few lucky Aspens and Cedars stand among them. The air felt crisp in my lungs, tasting almost sweet.

I wish Louis was here to enjoy this with me, he loves this place. Plus no one ever comes here besides homeless junkies so we could be as affectionate as we wanted. A few deer startled a few yards down the hill from me, showing their white tails as they bounded towards the bushes.

Soon I reached level ground and followed the flow of the stream beside me. Here only a few Aspens grew between the large mossy boulders scattered here and there. I wished I'd brought a garbage bag and some gloves to pick up the beer cans and hypodermics littered around. I don't understand how people can be so disrespectful to the beautiful planet that blesses them with a home.

The trail broke into three, one going back towards town, one towards a popular party spot with a water hole, and another heading to a peaceful field. I took the third, hoping to avoid the possibility of seeing people.

I came across an L shaped bridge, starting with a log cut down the middle to resemble a half moon turning sharply to a poorly built section with only one handrail along the right side. I sat in the middle of the rickety half and hung my legs over the lazy stream.

Birds sang their songs over the steady sound of the stream, the occasional squirrel calling out. I felt truly at peace as I laid back against the narrow bridge, letting my head hang limp over the edge. I could feel the sun slowly burn me as time passed but I didn't mind.

I have no idea how long I laid there just letting nature serenade me, but by the time I got around to standing up the sun was already making its descent. I considered going to the field like I had planned but I decided against it and turned back towards my car.

My legs started to burn only halfway up the zig zagged path up the hill and I cursed myself for never going for good walks anymore. All the paths around my house are relatively flat. I made it to the top and sat in my car, still breathing heavily. I need to get out more. I chuckled at myself and headed back home.

-

I started the movie "50 First Dates" to let the ads play through while I made myself dinner. I went with mac and cheese because it's easy. I started the water for the shells at the same time as the butter and flour. I added some milk to the paste and let it thicken before turning off the heat. I threw in the shells for the water and let them cook. I shredded some cheddar cheese and put it into the white sauce and left it to melt.

Once the pasta was drained, I poured the cheesy sauce over it and cringed at the sound as I mixed it in. I went and sat criss cross on the couch after pressing play with my bowl of dinner. I soon lost interest in the movie I'd seen countless times with my love and pulled out my phone.

I opened instagram and scrolled mindlessly through the explore page, looking at memes and watching pottery videos. Once I got bored , I refreshed my home page to see a photo of Elenore in my navy blue shirt Louis borrowed a few months ago. Louis had his arm wrapped around her with a smile I thought was reserved for only me.

My throat burned as I became increasingly aware of the brown in my room. Just a few steps away was the solution to this growing hurt. It feels like I'm drowning without any water, I can't breathe with or without you. My head is spinning, I can't feel the ground beneath my feet. Am I standing? Am I sitting? Am I even alive?

The clink of the metal box opening brought me back to my senses. I started shaking as I dropped the box.

"No, I'm not doing this again." I said aloud, clenching and unclenching my fists rapidly. I backed out of the room and pulled at my hair. I grabbed some hot sauce form the fridge and poured it directly onto my tongue. It burned, but not enough. Heroin and hurt coated every thought I had. How could he do this to me? How could he look so happy knowing he cheated on me, knowing he hurt me?

I opened a lemon and took a big bite, my face scrunching from the sour shock. Still not enough. My hands shook even more as I walked towards the shower in shame. I turned the handle all the way to the right and stepped in. The searing pain relieved my thoughts for a moment but I had to jump away.

I tentatively walked back under the the boiling water, relishing in the painful relief. My head grew foggy with the glass until I felt as if I'd pass out. Once the pain lessened, heroin took back control. I let the now freezing water pour over me but it wasn't enough. I stepped out and headed for the kitchen again.

I grabbed an ice cube and rubbed it along my forearm where I'd usually inject in hopes of relief. Nothing. The need for the stupid drug grew animalistic and I could no longer hold back.

a/n

this one's shorter and I lowkey actually hate it, I'm not satisfied with it at all but we can ignore that (: I'm sorry for making you read this shit

I think it improves in the next chapter, this is the last chapter I feel is shitty so I hope you'll give me another chance (:

anyway thank you for reading!! I really do appreciate it<3