This, this is for whoever finds me first
I would say I hope this finds you well but,
I killed myself
I mean
I will have by the time you read this
But let me explain
I don't wanna die but I have run out of options
After everything I have been through this is what it comes down to
These are my final moments
Am thinking about life before I bring the noose to my neck
At a point where am wondering if an overdose is a better way to go out
Am considering slitting my wrists cause it might hurt less than hanging off a rope
Either way, this is the last you will hear from me
I got my reasons and they don't make sense even to me
But neither does living
And like they say, we all have our reasons
Even though I don't expect you to understand mine
But before you judge me I want you to know that am not giving up for lack of trying
See, like you I couldn't help thinking there might be another way out
Believe me I tried to think of another way out
And I thought till I exhausted my options
I held on till I couldn't
I stayed strong till I went frail
Finally I have come to an edge and I don't really care to be around long enough to find another way
I wish I could
And before you label me a coward I want you to know that at this moment I feel braver than I have ever felt prior
This moment that will forever define how you think of me
And probably change how you thought of me
My only consolation is I will be too far away to endure the ridicule and spite in your hearts
And too far away to see the tears in your eyes
Okay
Maybe am a coward
A coward that can't take his pain anymore
Everybody hurts, I can almost hear you say
But maybe I hurt more or couldn't endure as much
I really, I really didn't find out
But whichever it is this is my way out of it
And in whatever way you think of my actions my only wish is you hold on to a little good about me
And whenever you miss me pray that in death I found the little peace I sought
I hope you feel no remorse when am gone and wish you did something to stop me
There is no stopping me
There is no stopping this
Same way no one could stop the pain that lead to this
Only I could have and I choose not to
I chose to run like I always have from all the obstacles in my life
Or what it used to be by the time you read this
I imagine the tears in your eyes and hope it lifts your spirit to know mine are blurry too
I have a heavy heart but I hope the other side is easier
And I pray the afterlife is real so spiritually I can continue to be a part of you
Am sorry I never looked suicidal to you
Do not look for signs you might have missed, there were none
Do not look for causes, am taking those to the grave with me
Yeaa I understand closure but I know, I know what you don't know hurts less
I wish I asked for your help like I know you will wish I did
My only regret is I cannot make you understand that this is the only way
Taking my life away
Pass my love to my siblings and those that genuinely cared for me
Tell them even in death my love is forever
My last request is they remember me with a little happiness amidst the nostalgia and hate
Tell my mama not to cry and wonder why
Tell my father he is strong enough he ain't gotta cry
I am truly sorry
Am sorry it came to this
Am sorry I died like this
Goodbye
