The One That Got Away

The One that Got Away : Closure

The One that Got Away : Closure

Phase I : Acceptance

As I pass by the bridge, a vivid memory reminded me of him. It has been already 3 years and I must admit, I do not regret every single memory of it. Having that feeling with someone from my past and been trying to escape the fact that I am still hoping. Maybe it is time to forget it and move on. 

No, treasure it rather. 

From all the people I had crushes on, I would say I tried my really best to get his attention even though I know to myself I am creeping him out and I am sorry for that. 

Confessing is kind of hard, the determination, and the courage that you must have. Being brave to move forward and say your feelings to someone. Although now, I have long accepted that sometimes people would not like us back.

I rode back home thinking how I was so crazy about him back then. And literally, I was so crazy that even when I was talking with my friends, he was the only topic I talk about. Sometimes I feel like they are already getting irritated because of how many times I already told them about him, but at the same time they were excited to hear my stories. Alex (Dom) was the person who always listened and witnessed the craziness that I have done. It was a bit cringe whenever I recall the times wherein, we would accidentally look at each other's eyes. Though it still makes me smile whenever I remember those times.

 I do not know how he is doing now, since I already stopped stalking him 2 years ago and I know it is wrong to stalk someone. It eventually made me to no longer think about him every now and then.

I laid down on my bed and listened to the songs I dedicated for him, most are by Ruth B and one of her songs is entitled "If by chance". There are stories behind the songs that are saved in my phone, some of it are dedicated to some stories that happened in my life. From dark times to some songs that makes me smile. There are lot of things that happened in my life, and a lot of it had made me cry.

I wrote 3 letters for him; I burned the other one as a symbol of me moving on. 

But guess what, even after that, I was not able to move on.

 It took me 3 years to finally accept the fact that he never liked me. Though there is still a part of me that is hoping but I guess it should just stay deep down there and remind me that somehow, I was happy during those times.

PHASE II: Forgiveness

I never regret meeting him, for a short period of time I felt happiness even when my life was in shambles. I pushed myself too far that I broke my own heart. For I have hoped and thought that finally someone will like me back, but I guess it was not for me. I was such a creep and never have thought that I would be this too much. I made myself looked like a fool who is chasing someone that will never like me back, and that was my mistake. I was too eager to pursue someone who I really like that I even embarrassed myself for him to notice me. I was crazy back then, and that was my mistake.

I never realized it; it took me 3 years to realize all of it. And I was mad at myself for doing some things that are way too much, that made me to regret the things that I have done. But I am confused on why even though it was embarrassing that I have done those, it somehow made me feel not to regret that once in my life I did something like that. I am always thankful for Dom for helping me to confess my feelings towards Yan, and I just feel sorry about it.

That even now, it still makes me hate myself that I am such a freaking creep. 

 But maybe I should forgive that "hate" that I am feeling. 

To admit that "hate" should not be "hate", instead, an acceptance and forgiving my feelings for him.

 To no longer lie about regretting all of it, to no longer lie that I was so dedicated back then that I tried to be friends with his friends even to his teacher. 

I am sorry. 

I am sorry for the people that I have tried to make friends with just to know him better.

 I hope they can forgive me of what I have done in the past. 

I am sorry.

Forgiving myself from the things that I have done, especially from the fact that I tried to message him a couple times was not a good idea and inappropriate for me to do, so I apologize.

PHASE III: Moving-on

Memories are forever treasured and so my feelings for him. As I fall asleep while listening to my playlist, and as I say goodbye to him in my dreams. I know it is all in the past and sometimes it still haunts me. I would love to tell my story again and again, to tell the story of how I fell in love with someone I knew in the first place would never like me back. The story that haunted me for 3 years and took so long before I realized that it was already time for me to move on and wake up from this dream.

This experience was so beautiful for me not to forget and treasure, because at some point in my life I knew I was happy when I met him. But, it's all in the past now and I think it's time for me to let go all of it. I wrote this sequel for me to finally end this short story and have a proper ending. I know it's a bit short but I'm looking forward to finally express the whole story, in detailed. And I wrote this to end my feelings, no...not end.... But to give a proper closure of my past. To accept and do this phase's to finally set my feelings free. It was a great memory and I would never forget till the end of time. I might love someone else in the end, but I would never forget this story that have taught me so many things.

I may be a fool when it comes to love, but I rarely fall in love. I might have a crush, but the feelings would never be the same when it comes to love. And I might be young to describe that word, but at least, I now have an idea of what it is.

 To end this properly, I would like to say, thank you Ryan. 

Thank you & goodbye.

Sincerely,

Dan