don't leave me

cracked

its been half a day since i got that call. its been hours since billie drove me to the hospital. its been too long without my mom. she fought until the very last second, they told me. that doesnt mean shit to me. shes gone. forever. 

im in her old hopsital bed, just screaming and crying. she was my root, my glue. but it was too much. i still have to much to do. for her, without her. i have to get her funeral ready, i have to finish school. its too much. right as i start hyperventilating, billie walks in and scoops me up. she carries me back to the waiting room and rocks me. she just lets me cry and cry and cry.  

everything is numb. i am numb, my thoughts are numb. i need to get high. i have to forget. i start to get up, but i feel billie tighten her hold. 

"billie, let me go." 

"are you sure?" 

"uh, um, yes. let me go." she heard me stutter and shook her head. 

"i know what you want. but its not what you need. what you need is human comfort, ok? let me help you." this is getting me mad. how the fuck does she actually understand me like this? 

"no billie, fuck off!" i start to raise my voice. she takes my chin and makes me look at her. we just stare at each other, and i feel my walls start to fall once again. she gives my hand a squeeze before getting up. i follow her lead, and she takes me out to the parking lot where her car is. we get in the back seat and she cradles me, and i start crying again. she strokes my cheek and twists my hair, and we stay like that until im too tired to cry. 

when i wake up, im in a big bed. i have sweatpants on with a huge sweatshirt. i look around and realize im in maya's house. i get my phone and go to the kitchen, where i see billie, maya, and finneas. maya gets up and hugs me. 

"my baby, im so sorry." she rocks us back and forth for a while, and i try to bury myself in her neck. when we finally pull away, i see her eyes are red and puffy. as much as i would visit her, maya drove me. she loved my mom as much as i did. i look over to billie, who looks worried. finneas walks over and also gave me a hug. 

the next couple of days were a blur. billie was with me every day, and although ive been drinking non stop, i havent cut, which is what i was afraid of. ive texted my dad, who isnt answering for some fucking reason. maya has let me do whatever. 

right now, im in my bed, still numb. ive been worried about my family because they havent read my texts. i hear the front door open, and multiple footsteps coming in my direction. me and maya are back at my moms house, and im laying in my bed. when we got here, i changed into one of my moms sweatshirts and i havent changed since. i have two bottles of tequila and one of vodka sitting by my bed, all of them empty. maya has been giving me space, but still sleeping here. im curled up with the blankets up to my mouth, just staring into nothing. i dont have any lights on, and my windows have been closed. i feel my phone start to vibrate, and my brothers name flashes across my screen. i answer it to see him crying in a car. 

"y/n, what the fuck happened." ive never heard him sound so... broken. i clear my throat and say the words for the first time. 

"she's dead." i barely whisper. he just shakes his head. we both stay quiet, until the phone is passed along to my dad. 

"y/n! we had a lot of fun, want to pick us up?" he asks. what the hell? this idiot lost the mother to his children, and hes smiling? im losing my shit. 

"are you deadass right now?" i ask. 

"watch your language, kiddo. im exited to see you" he says like its the most care free thing in the world. 

"i am not going to the airport to see you. im never looking at you again. call the fucking house agent and do whatever the fuck you want. im going to maya's house, and as soon as my fucking brother is packed, we are leaving your life. you can stay with your new hoe who is fucking 20 years younger than you, and take however long you need to realize that the mother of your god damn children is fucking dead. she died while fighting cancer, while you ran away to the bahamas. let that sink in, and then go fuck yourself and rot in hell you sick bitch." 

with that, i hang up, block my fathers number, and delete our conversation. i dont know what shit hes on, but that was my last fucking nerve. i throw the tequila bottle across the room, and yell until i cant get sound out. my door opens and i see  billie walk in. i realize she's heard my conversation. 

"who the fuck was that?" she asks, sitting next to me and grabbing my waist. i move down and bury my head in her torso. 

"my shit hole dad." i say, feeling her shiver through her baggy shirt. i take my arms and hug her, looking up to see her blushing. she doesnt seem bothered by the fact that i caught her, she just kisses my forehead and whispers, "live with me." 

i look up at her again and nod. i feel like out of every single person ive ever met, the only one who truly gets me is a girl ive been talking to for less than a month. i feel safe around her. i feel welcomed. and i love her for that. 

...................................................................................................................................a/n: this was a long chapter to write, and it brought out some memories i forgot about. thanks for reading, love u all :))