don't leave me

take off

a/n... this part of the story is set a month after the last chapter :)) 

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y/n pov: 

i wake up to an alarm, and open my eyes to a small room flooded with red. i turn over and see billie, a small smile on her lips while asleep. i turn off my alarm and pull her ears to wake her up.she stirs a little, but then opens her eyes and i take in her beautiful face. 

"how did you sleep billie?" i ask. 

"good mamas." she replies. i nod and sit up, throw my legs over the bed and stretch. today is my mom's funeral. my brother and his friends ended up taking care of it, and as far as i know, everything has gone by smoothly. 

the bed shifts, and i feel warm arms slide around my neck. billies hands play with a necklace she gave me a week ago, also resting her cheek on mine. she moves her neck and speaks into my cheek, making me turn red. 

"ill always be with you, ok? we'll get through this, y/n. i promise." she gently whispers. i feel my eyes burn with the tears ive been trying to hide this whole week. luckily, my phone goes off. its a snap from my brothers friend cameron. 

cam: your brother woke us up early, we are setting up. dont worry about it and come and 11 with da public 

                                                                                                   y/n: tysm tell my brother i love him 

cam: got it :) 

i sigh and turn around to face billie. 

"we dont need to go set up, my brother left early with his friends." 

"then why dont we watch movies before we get ready?" she suggests. i nod and we get up to go get breakfast first. we just eat bananas since the funeral will have food.  billie takes my hand and we go back to her room. she turns her light on the regular setting, and we snuggle in her bed in a way that faces her tv. she turns it on the cable network and we end up watching spongebob until 9:45. i sit up criss-cross-apple-sauce and face her. 

"do you wanna shower first?" i ask. she shakes her head. 

"you go ahead." 

"thank you baby," i say as i climb out of bed, pick up my dress, and head to her bathroom. finneas is on a trip with his girlfriend and her parents are out of town, so its just me and billie. god, why am i getting so nervous about that? 

i check the guest room, where sure enough, its empty before making my way to the bathroom. as i unfold the dress to hang it on a hook, i see a single blade fall out of it. dry blood marks the bottom half, and i feel my breath start to become uneven. i force myself to get naked and basically sprint to the shower. 

i run burning water, wash my hair and body before shaving, my hands shaking violently. i look anywhere but the razor, scared to death by myself. i slowly stop the water and wrap my arms around my body, walking to my dress. two towels are sitting on the toilet. i wrap one around my hair and the other over my body, and then i feel my hands reaching down. i pick up the blade and press it on my arm, pressing just a bit. i feel my thoughts go numb, my head feels heavy. i just want to stop.

 suddenly, something inside me snaps. i fall down and cry. i hear screaming, maybe its my head. 'why did you have to leave me', 'stop stop stop', over and over. i lay on my back and squeeze my eyes shut. 'i wanna stop feeling, i wanna stop feeling'. 

the door flies open and i see billie crouch over me. she takes the sides of the towel that i didnt know fell and wraps me up again. she pulls me up and carries me to her room, kissing my forehead the whole time. by the time she lays me down on her bed, ive stopped crying a bit. she puts an extra blanket over me before laying down next to me and lifts my chin to look her in the eyes. she holds my gaze and gives me the purest hug ive ever had. 

a couple of minutes later, i look up into her eyes and say, "im good now." she stands up and i follow, but i start shaking again. she runs out of the room and comes back with my clothes. "come on baby" she says. i take her hand and put on my lacy bra and underwear under my towel, and then let it drop. billie helped me step into my dress and zipped it up. it was a skin tight black dress with a lace pattern around my shoulders. we sat on the floor where she brushed out my hair, put some products in it, and blow-dried it. she slowly stood up and hesitated before saying, "is it ok if i shower now?" i nod and let her go. i facetimed maya and filled her in on my breakdown. 

she just nodded the whole time. she had a loose dress on with sleeves that fell loose around her hands. her hair was up in a high ponytail, with hoops. she looked as pretty as ever. i put my heels on, and put another necklace over billie's. it was one with a single butterfly hanging down, one my mom gave me last year. billie walked in with a simple black dress, ending a little short on her thighs. i didnt mind. 

the rest of the day was hard to remember. billie held my hand while we drove, i sat with my absolute best friend, and i didnt see my father. people said their words, and then people ate. me and billie drove back with her hand on my thigh. today opened up a wound thats gonna take a long time to heal, and i dont know if i have the patience for that. all i know is that i want billie to help me. 

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a/n... thanks for reading! in case anyone finds this shit, i want yall to know people do care about u. i care, just reach out if yall are lonely. we can be lonely together