Letters I've Sent (l.s)

Harry,

Harry,

I've got insomnia because I can't sleep knowing that you're not going to be there when I wake up. You're not gonna be there to make breakfast either, so I've stopped eating.

We released the Forever Young music video today, you know, the one that we made when we just became a band. We also added a little video at the end, for your sake of course.

Zayn left the house today. I don't know where he went, but he left a note with Louis. I didn't want to ask Lou what it said because I knew that he wouldn't answer me. I really hope that Zayn doesn't stay like this forever, I hope that he sobers up a little and takes things seriously.

Liam has been in his own world since you left. He doesn't talk to us and I think he has anorexia. I mean, I have it too, but I'm not that concerned about that. He writes a lot of lyrics, but never sings them. None of us really sing anymore. I'm really concerned that one day, Liam will go out on a run, and will never come back. That's why I'm always anxious whenever I hear the front door open and close every morning. I'm upset enough that two of us have left, and I couldn't deal with another one leaving.

Louis is the worst of all of us. I mean, you were  the love of his life. His soulmate. And he watched him slowly die right in front of his eyes. I kind of did too, I watched as your face started growing pale, as bags grew under your eyes, and as you wore more and more of those bracelets that I made you. Louis is nothing without you. I'm really worried about him and how he's dealing with the pain of loss.

I've started wearing those bracelets that I made for you because I need them to cover up my own scars. Yes, I do cut. I think it relieves the pain too. It helps me, but I guess it didn't help you enough. It sort of calms me and makes me feel as if I have a part of you connected to me still.

I destroyed my guitar today. It reminded me too much about you, so I got rid of it. I never played it anyways, it's not like it really mattered.

I really miss you lad. I'm thinking of moving back to Mullingar just so I can forget a little more about this whole situation. It makes me feel as if there's a brick tied to my chest, and I can't take it off. Plus, I need my family right now.

Love you crazy mofo,

Niall