Letters I've Sent (l.s)

Dear the Love of My Life,

Dear the love of my life,

I'm writing you this letter because I don't think I can do this anymore. I want all of the pain to go away. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me.

All of the boys moved out and I can't because my family rejected me for my sexuality. Yes, I came out for you. For us. I know we were going to do it together, but I just had to tell them. I couldn't live that lie anymore.

We aren't a a band anymore. I guess you could've figured that out by the whole moving out thing. I deleted my Twitter account and totally unplugged myself from the outside world.

I have no one. Since Niall is depressed, Zayn is an addict, and Liam is anorexic, I guess there's only one more title for me left. I'll be the suicidal one I guess.

I can't stop going back to where this whole ordeal started, the day when management told us we couldn't be together. You started talking and smiling less, your eyes loosing that spark that I loved dearly. Then you started taking the things that people had to say about you seriously. You coped with that by harming yourself. Niall was so oblivious to it, he made those stupid bracelets for you just thinking that it was a fashion statement. The next thing I knew, you were tied to a rope that hung on the ceiling fan.

I tried to help Harry, and I failed.

I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry that I couldn't help you.

You were hiding things from me, and I knew it. Whenever you were curled up with me on the couch, you always hid your wrists from me. You started wearing sweaters and hoodies more often too. I knew something was up, but whenever I tried to talk to you, you changed the subject.

I blame myself for your death. I just didn't help you in time. I know I shouldn't have left you home alone that day.

When I got home from going on a "date" with Eleanor that day, February 25th 2013 to be exact, the other lads weren't home and I planned on surprising you with the dinner reservations that I got for that fancy restaurant with the amazing food. After dinner, I planned on going out to where we had our first date, that ice cream place by your house, and proposing to you. But when I walked into the house and called your name, you never answered. I instantly got worried and ran around the house, trying to find you. After looking in all of the rooms, except yours, I opened your door and there was my soulmate with a rope tied around his neck, that hung from the ceiling fan. My heart stoppped beating at that moment and I couldn't function right. Tears started rolling down my face and I ran out of the room and came back with a knife to cut you down. You fell into my arms and I started to try and shake you awake. I knew it was no use, so I started sobbing into your shirt, screaming your name. I then noticed a CD next to your TV remote and on the CD it read 'Play Me'. I put it into the player and turned your TV on. Your face popped up on the screen and you looked so sad and broken.

Hi Lou. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it through all of this. I don't know why I did this, but I'm better now. I just couldn't deal with all of it. I'm just not one of those people that doesn't care about what other people think of me. But with you, it's all ok. You make everything way better than it is. I want you to make a desicion Lou, it won't be that hard if you listen to your heart. Would you rather come and live with me, or stay where you are and be strong? I'm giving you all of the time in the world to make your desicion, so you don't have to decide right away. Just remember that I'll always love you Boo Bear. Forever and always, to the moon and back. Miss you already Lou. I love you.

I did wait until I was alone to make my desicion. It was only a couple of weeks, but I guess it gave me time to think about it more. And today, Haz, I'm going to make my decision.

I love you so much and will love you forever.

Your boyfriend,

Louis