Things I wish I could say out loud

Question marks

I'm in pain
It's a weird pain
It's not the kind that you just cry about, it's the kind you scream about.
I want to scream,
I want to break things,
I want to hit someone.
I want to understand why though.
Why do I hurt so much?
why do I let myself get to this point?
why do I feel this bad all the time?
why is it easier to let myself stay in this pain then leave it?
why was I okay for so long and now I can't even imagine what "okay" looks like?
Why can't the world make any sense anymore? Why does it feel like EVERY aspect of my life blew up in a matter of months?
Why am I so good at caring about everyone else in my life except for me?
Why can't I speak up for myself?
Why can't I put my foot down?
Why can't I demand the respect I deserve?
Was I always like this ? Or did that stupid shit that one guy did fuck me up so badly?
Then why me ?
Is he to blame?
Is that why I'm in so much pain?
Why was I able to love the other one?
Why was I able to love him so much it physically hurt?
But at the same time ...
Why couldn't I bring myself to love him in all the ways I wanted to?
Why can't I tell him?
Why can't I view my love as enough?
Why can't I see myself as enough?
Why can't I move on?
Why cant imagine someone else loving me? Why does it feel like He will forever be all I'll ever get?
Why do His flaws get to be enough?
Why can I over look all the wrong in him but none in me ?
Why does He hurt me, but make me feel loved? Why is He my biggest pain, and only relief from it?
Why is he the only one to make me smile, but the main one to make me cry?
Why does He inflict EVERY emotion in me? Why ,in spite of it all, DO.I.STILL.LOVE.HIM? Why did I want to have his child?
Why was I so sure that I didn't want a kid but I was so broken when It didn't go as it should ?
Why can I only imagine life with him?
Why can't he love me?
Why I can't I love me? 

I wrote this whole thing with a dry eye, I don't cry anymore. I feel like I want to but I can't. There's no tears left. Just the pain, that pain you feel when all you want to do is cry, when your lungs feel strained and tight, when your head is full of pressure and little to no thought other than that to which would bring the tears. I truly am numb most of the time. Is that a good thing? Does that mean I'm starting to move on? Does that mean the growth can start now ? Does it show promise? Or does that mean that I've been in so much pain, my body only knows one state now.