the forest.

~fag~

                         ~
   A week went by before I was mentally prepared to go back to school. I kept in touch with Mrs. and Mr.Miller as they kept me informed when 'his' funeral will be. It would be a closed casket ceremony since the damage to his face couldn't be fixed, as much a i wanted to see him one last time before we buried him I wouldn't handle the image of what he looks like. On the other hand I've been avoiding my remaining friends. The day after the incident they all blew up my phone, all sharing the same disbelief and sadness as I did. I felt like a bad friend for ignoring them.

I was a bad friend.

The Tuesday I came back I did my best to avoid the hangout areas our friend group frequented, the lunch table and benches just to name a few. I didn't have classes with any of them so it was easy to get by without facing them. Even if I was ready to go back to school I wasn't prepared to talk to them in fear that they might ask what happened. Once they hear about something interesting or important they won't stop nagging and asking until they get answers. That's how it's always been. I got a few glimpses of some of them while switching classes or going to lunch. They all had the same sad look I seemed to have these days. I can't blame them for it. 'His' death was a huge blow to our small friend group. Not only that but it seems me not being there made it worse. This made me feel like shit. I could be there comforting them but no I instead decide to be a pussy and hide at any chance I could. It didn't help that it seemed I was being targeted more.

Katie and her goons, like a pack of sharks when presented a meal, decided to use the death of my friend as a means to get under my skin. It worked well and as much as I tried not to let it affect me it did. Her boyfriend was worse, while Katie used only words, Brendon used both words and violence to get his point across. At any chance he got, he would kick me, shove me inside the lockers, or spit into my mouth but it would always end with an insult to me or 'him'. After all that the result was always the same, leaving school with a new bruise and a mental scar.

I was alone in this. I tried my best to keep them away from my friends but could only do so much. In the past I've tried to report it to the principal but only received a pat on the back and a "kids will be kids." Fucking bald headed asshole. Shit for brains, worthless piece of shit. of course he wouldn't care, if people caught wind of bullying on campus it would ruin their reputation for being the "safest school out there and are always tending to the students needs." Who would believe me, the towns "fag"? And don't get me started with my parents. If my dad knew about this he would probably tell me to "toughen up" and to "be a man about it because I didn't raise no fag." while my mom would freak out and make the situation worse by probably beating the kids up. In the end school fucking sucked.

I made it through my first few days there. The bullying seeming to have become a regular part of my schedule, but on a good note I slowly began to join my friends again. They were so happy to see me and understood why I distanced myself from them. Still I felt like an asshole. They avoided any topics relating to 'him' but you could still see they were desperate for answers. The only thing they knew was that their long time friend was gone and their other friend found their mangled body. Word got around quick that one of the towns "freaks" died. It was the only thing they could go off of since they were to afraid to ask the Miller's and the police had their lips sealed as to not create panic.

It was a Thursday morning. I had just arrived at school after a long ride on my skateboard. It was still dark out and I could feel the eyes following my every move. When I arrived at out usual breakfast table I made small talk with my friends. Roe talked about her new artwork, Toby excitedly showed us her new game for her switch, whileMikayla kept silent and ate. It felt normal just without 'him' there.

The bell rung signaling the start of first period, mine being Advanced Lit, my favorite subject right behind art. I made it through the class without any difficulties, still receiving a few "sorry for your loss" from classmates I've never talked to before and a big hug from my teacher. It was my calculus class I had trouble in, as much as Katie and her boyfriend seemed to lack intelligence they were actually pretty smart. They made it their job to terrorize me, they got away with it of course because the teacher, Mrs. Mock was Katie's mother. In her eyes they were innocent little angels being tainted by the fag. Angels my fucking ass.

Mrs. Mock was the definition of homophobic, if you looked it up in the dictionary her ugly mug would probably show up. She always made sure I knew I was a "fag" and that I'll "go to hell for even thinking about being with another man". She was a raging Christian as well and proudly presented it through out her classroom, crosses and pictures of Jesus littered the walls and if course like everything else the school allowed it.

Besides calculus I had no other difficulties, but it only took that class to make the rest of my day shitty. Lunch came around and I had stopped avoiding my friends completely. Before I would hide in the bathroom and eat my lunch there, sometimes not eating at all depending how clean the bathroom was that day. I sat in my normal seat, Roe on the right while Toby sat on the left of me. Mikayla sat in front of us and was usually not alone. We spent more time talking then eating and it felt nice for a change, but good things can't last forever.

They never do.

Katie walks by with her boyfriend, their goons following close behind. "Look sweetie it's the freaks, aren't they just an eye sore?" Katie said as she slammed her hands on the table. The lunchroom went quiet and all eyes were on us. "You aren't that good looking yourself so bug off." Zoe said as she continued to eat her sandwich. Katie of course didn't like that and lunged at her. I grabbed her arm to stop the blow. "Hey hands off my girl you fag!" Brendon said as he yanked my arm off of hers, he pulled me off the seat and onto the dirty floor. "Touch her and I'll promise you you'll never touch anything again!" With this my friends stood up to help, I quickly shook my head to tell them not to intervene. They looked conflicted but soon backed down but we're ready to jump up to help if anything worse happened.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you fag!" I turned to look back at him, trying to glare at him but failing miserably. I could feel myself shake.

I'm such a fucking pussy.

"Answer me!" He said as he kicked me. "Is the little fag scared? Come on speak!" I tried to move away from him only to be blocked by one of his goons. The room was still quiet, I could feel myself blush from embarrassment. "Why should I even bother, anything I say I'm still gonna get beat up. Leave us alone please we don't mean to cause trouble." "Oh so the fag dose talk! Tell me how dose it feel like to be in love with another man?" "I don't know you tell me, weren't you the one who cornered me in the locker room to test what it feels like to kiss a man?" I said and immediately regretted it after. I covered my mouth to prevent anything else from being said. I didn't mean to.

I'm so fucking stupid.

His face quickly becoming red from anger and embarrassment, everyone was now talking to amongst themselves. His girlfriend was shaking in pure anger, she turned to face him. "Is this true!?" She said as she grabbed him by the collar. "I-i swear h-he's lying. Please b-believe me!" She began to cry, shaking her head as if not believing him, her friends tried to comfort her but were pushed away as she ran out of the lunchroom. Her boyfriend looking as if he wanted to go after her but stopped himself. He looked around and saw everyone was giving him looks and turned to me again. murder written on his face. "How dare you! This is all your fault, if you didn't open your fucking mouth this wouldn't have happened! You should have died with your stupid fucking friend!" He said as he grabbed me by my hair, he slammed my face into my lunch. I could hear Roe and Toby sob next to me. "He deserved to fucking die! He was just a nuisance to everyone just like you and the rest of your fucking friends!"

The room erupted in laughter. They were fucking laughing!

"You probably killed him, let's be honest! You're a murder!" He let me go and in that moment without thinking it through I punched him. His head reared back as everyone let out a gasp. " I Didn't Fucking Kill Him! " I said in despair. I went in for another blow until "PATRICK GONZO TO MY OFFICE NOW!" "You're gonna get it now fag." Fuck, I was screwed. Why now of all time, why couldn't he have came when I was getting face fulls of food. All I know was,

I'm a dead fucking fag.