Sometimes

Deep end.

Ever like something but your mind finds a way to twist it into something you should stay away from.
I get this feeling like I'm floating and no one else can hear or see me and everything else disappears. In that moment I just wanna fly. I go under and try to see how long I feel this way sometimes I almost make it others I get the feeling it's not time.

Same with this doll I had when I was younger. She sang a prayer "now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep that if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take". I loved that doll so much but eventually I stopped feeling and repeating what she was singing I sung my own version and it may have not of worked but my little mind was determined. "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep I wish to die before I wake and I pray the lord my soul to take". I remember this vaguely as I also remember I was younger than 10 cause it was at the trailer and when Ella raine and Keely first lived with us.

I can lay in my bed and suddenly I start to feel alone and I can hear myself think I try to drown it out but nothing helps so I hide. Hiding was comforting for a while then it became dark. It almost felt as if I was staring back at myself. So I'd cover my face with a pillow and scream. Once I couldn't breathe and started getting light headed that's when I had to make the decision was I gonna just lay here or try again and escape stop hiding. Sometimes I make the wrong decisions but I'm still here so I guess it didn't quiet work.

     I get tangled in these memories and i feel like I'm lost in the deep end.