Devil's Effect

morning x 3

Saturday morning in Seattle was damp and dreary, and Jason had lingered in bed longer than he normally would have because Blue was snuggled up next to him, still sleeping. The kitten was growing fast, and the two of them had become very attached to each other the past six weeks. Jason gently touched the top of the kitten's soft head with his free hand - his phone was in the other. He'd already looked through the stock information, then read a few articles, and he still wasn't ready to get out of bed.

His eyes drifted over to the wall of windows and what he could see of the water. I don't have any plans for today. I could just lay here with baby cat and do nothing. I can't even remember the last day I did nothing. Jason's thoughts picked through memories, weekend days full of work and Mark, weekend nights sneaking around with Ryan. Afternoons in the loft with Mike. He went backwards, further and further, finally coming up with a day right after he married Mark when his husband was away and he'd been left behind. That was the last time he could remember staying in bed that wasn't forced.

Those memories of the days that passed after Mark physically abused him and he was hidden away in their bedroom used to be a catalyst for self deprecating thoughts that lasted all day, but he'd been working on that lately. It was getting a little easier every day to put those thoughts of his life with Mark away. Thoughts of Mike and the plans he'd made for them were easy to ignore, too, but every time his thoughts turned to Ryan, his heart ached.

We haven't spoken once since he left with Mike. I know it's because he hates me for what happened. I wish he'd stayed that night.

Jason rarely checked his social media now that he wasn't running social media for YRS, but this morning, with Blue tucked into his side, he tapped his Instagram icon, bringing the app to life for the first time in weeks. The last time he'd been on Instagram he was deleting Chester and Mike, and though his finger had hovered over Ryan's name, he couldn't do it. Ryan didn't post a lot, but Jason couldn't give up access to the pictures that were there. This morning he scrolled down the feed slowly, hoping to catch a recent glimpse of his ex. A selfie maybe, something that showed Ryan was happy.

But the first picture he saw wasn't of Ryan. It was a group shot, a party at Amir's, and Jason recognized every face in the shot. He scanned it looking for Ryan, disappointed to not see him, until he noticed the dots under the picture and he swiped left for the next picture as he looked at the caption. Wow. Noah's moving in with Amir. That's crazy. It was Noah's photos he was flipping through, and he looked at the familiar faces of the YRS boys he'd filmed so many times and the Carnal Delights boys he couldn't stand.

Chester and Mike were in several of the shots, and Jason looked more at Chester's face than Mike's at first. It still stung him a little that Mike had left, though he'd come to understand it wasn't about him. It never really was. It had always been about Chester, and what had been going wrong with the two of them. He'd just been in the wrong place at the right time, and Mike had never really wanted him, despite their friendship. Things seemed to be good with Chester and Mike, judging from the glow on Chester's face, and the light on Mike's. He looked truly happy in a way that Jason had really never seen. YRS had always colored Mike's emotions, and even when things were good with Chester, Mike had never looked the way he looked in Noah's photos. Relaxed. Satisfied. Happy. Just seeing that helped to close the cut on Jason's wounded pride when it came to Mike Shinoda leaving him the way he had. If Mike and Chester were that happy, with everything else stripped away, why should it matter to him what had happened between him and Mike anymore?

The next picture was Noah and Amir, a selfie that it looked like Noah had taken. He looked at the picture, Noah's smile so big his eyes were almost closed, and despite himself and all the other things he'd been thinking since he started looking at the pictures, Jason smiled back. And then he flipped to the next picture.