12. The storm

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For the next few days, things were quiet. Training continued normally and I was still in the top 3 of the rankings. Every evening though, I went back to the training room to clean up. While I hadn't forgotten about what Eric said, it didn't bother me as much. I know he's tough on all of his initiates and he didn't know just how personal he got. I wanted to keep it that way; I don't want anyone to know that these feelings are my biggest weakness.

But of course, after the calm comes the storm; and this one hit me with full force.

Just like last time, I felt something was wrong before Eric had to say anything. This time, however, the look in Four's eyes wasn't pensive, it was slightly softer and definitely a lot more uncomfortable. Eric on the other hand was looking anywhere but me.

"Initiate, you've got visitors" Eric said looking at the wall. "Get up, let's go"

"Why so serious boys? Don't tell me we're out of Dauntless cake?" I attempted to joke, paying close attention to the two men's reactions, to see just how serious this situation was. When I saw Four wince almost imperceptibly and Eric's gaze finally meet mine, I had my answer.

I stood up and followed them, leaving Chloe and the rest of the transfers to their lively discussion about tattoos.

I could hear my heart beat in my ears and I almost couldn't feel my limbs as we neared the same door as a few days ago.

When the door opened, my shoulders instantly relaxed and I let out a soft sigh of relief. It was just Morren Herondale. I was so relieved to see him that I didn't register what he was wearing nor the expression on his face.

"Hi Herond-" I started saying and then, as if someone had turned all the lights on in a dark room, I saw it. The sullen, miserable expression on his face, his stiff posture and his white clothes. He looked like a troubled angel who had come to deliver news straight from hell.

For a moment, all I could focus on was his white attire, knowing very well what the change from yellow to white meant in Amity.

"Who?" I asked, finally finding the power to speak.

"Both of them. I'm so sorry, sunshine" he said, melancholy and pain written all over his face, as he walked towards me and embraced me in a hug.

But I couldn't move. I just stood there, Morren's arms around me, as I looked at the wall. It was white. Why did everything have to be white?

I heard footsteps receding and figured Four and Eric had left the room, either disgusted by my display of weakness or unable to watch. Maybe both.

No tears came. It was as if all of my systems had shut down and I merely existed in that room. Not living, not responding, but definitely thinking.

I leave Amity and what happens? Blackthorn and Lightwood turn against my family, Callum is probably pissed off as well and now the only family I have ever known is gone. I left Amity and now they're dead. The two people that have supported me and loved me for as long as I can remember are gone.

After a few painful minutes of torturing myself with guilt and blame, I finally ask.

"How?" It seems one-word questions is all I can produce right now.

Herondale now looks concerned and suspicious.

"Supposedly a farming accident, but I could swear they weren't even on duty today. Even if they were, your aunt and uncle are the last people that would be involved in a farming accident. They have always been cautious and methodical" he says looking nearly as lost as I felt.

I couldn't process his words right now. All I know is that they're dead and it wasn't an accident.

Herondale stayed with me for a while before getting up to leave, after one last, warm hug. I just sat there, in the cold metal chair staring at the wall.

I didn't even hear the door open and close, or the pair of footsteps coming towards me.

"It's time to go. There's no training this evening so you don't have to do anything tonight" said Four, his voice almost gentle. At least it sounded gentle for a Dauntless member.

His words seemingly snapped me out of the trance I had been trapped in for the past few minutes.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Let's go" I said, words just tumbling out of my mouth. I didn't care whether I sounded weak or crazy or too compliant; I just wanted to get out.

Standing up, I was surprised my knees didn't wobble and that my vision wasn't clouded. I was moving on autopilot, opening the door and waiting for the two men to exit as well. As we were walking to the dorms, I was so unaware of my surroundings that I nearly missed the feeling of a hand brushing against mine. I must have imagined it though because the touch came from my right, where Eric was walking next to me. Nevertheless, I craved this imaginary contact. Though brief, it communicated a sense of solidarity.

And at that moment, it was all I needed.

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