The Aftershock (of your touch)

V. If only I could let you go

After two and a half weeks of wallowing in misery, Catra finally came clean to her therapist about everything. She'd had this therapist for over a year now, and although at first she'd practically refused to talk to them, (Scorpia had forced her into it despite her protests) slowly she began opening up to them, and realised that having a shrink wasn't such a bad thing. It definitely helped that they were quite eccentric too—they weren't one for formalities, so right from Catra's first session they'd commented how they hated being addressed as a Doctor, so Catra called them DT instead. Catra actually quite liked them—they weren't a pushover; they'd actually had quite a rough past and understood Catra's struggles, which was why they'd wanted to do this job in the first place—to help people like her; and they were very no nonsense with her, never sugar-coating or bullshitting, pointing out things which most people wouldn't. Though, Catra supposed that was their job.

The fact she knew whatever DT had to say wouldn't be something she necessarily wanted to hear had meant that when they'd asked about Adora, she had begun to omit most of the details; once they'd started avoiding each other, well, she just straight up lied. But after another grating week where the headaches and heartache didn't want to quiet down, Catra knew she couldn't keep going like this.

On Wednesday, Catra got to her session earlier than usual, because work got cut a little shorter and she had nowhere else to be, and as she sat down in the familiar arm chair, DT looked up from the paper on their desk with a slightly amused smile. Catra knew they wanted to say something, a snide remark probably, but restrained from doing so after a moment of studying her.

"You seem...tense. Anything going on?"

Catra scoffed, crossing her arms. "When is there not something going on?"

Her therapist nodded, as if to say fair point and also, do go on.

Sighing, she focused on the pot of pens on DT's desk and started trying to piece some words together. "Well...recently I haven't been doing too great, I guess. And maybe I should have brought it up sooner, but I thought I was handling it. So...um, you know when you asked me about that girl, Adora? How that was going and stuff?" She bit her lip before saying, "Something happened, kind of, and we stopped talking."

Catra looked to see DT's reaction. Like a true professional, their face was fairly neutral and it frustrated Catra that she couldn't read what that expression meant.

"Well?" Catra said when they still hadn't said anything.

"I figured." They replied.

"What?" Catra leaned forward in her seat, head tilted as she tried to decipher what they meant.

"It was obvious you were lying, darling, I'm a therapist after all." Catra sank back down into her seat as they continued. "I knew you'd come clean eventually. But the real question is: why lie? What's the story behind this, huh?"

Tail curling, Catra opened her mouth then hesitated. The only person she'd explained all this to was Scorpia, and that was before she really knew the severity of the situation. Now that she did, it was so much worse. But DT's encouraging smile that said I'm listening, gave her the push she needed to start, right from when she had first laid eyes on Adora, to now.

Catra did her best not to leave a single detail out, did her best to describe every single feeling, every emotion; how she was initially intrigued, but never intended on getting close, how well they'd gotten along and the warmth she felt when she was around Adora, how there was this undeniable tension in the air; how when under Adora's stare she felt like she was carrying tonnes; to the heat, the sparks all becoming too much, and the headaches and Catra realising what it all meant, what they were.

"Soulmates, then? That's rare. How did it make you feel, when you found out?"

Considering her answer for a moment, Catra shifted in her seat. "Terrified, I guess. New shit is...scary. So yeah, scared, but...I also didn't know what to think. I grew up being told all of that stuff was fake. That you were supposed to be the one in control and that the universe didn't decide things for you—no one was destined for anything unless they worked for it. All while she controlled every little thing I did, and for a while I refused to admit it.

"I was never really in control, despite what they told us. Now, I have that—the freedom I've always wanted. So I guess it felt like, like someone's trying to take control of my life again. It's all so overwhelming. And I couldn't control it, not around her, so I thought if I wasn't around Adora, I'd be more in control again. But I'm not." Her ears were pressed against her head.

"Catra, you like this girl, right?" DT asked after a moment. She nodded. "So, get rid of the soulmate stuff for a second—what's stopping you from being honest with her?"

Taking a gulp, Catra mumbled. "Well...it's 'cause I don't deserve her. She needs someone better than me. Someone who isn't, y'know, a self-destructive piece of shit."

DT let out a thoughtful hum. "It seems to me that you're driving her away on purpose, Catra. Because you're scared of the intimacy, scared of getting hurt, scared of the uncertainty. But most of all, because you're scared of yourself. And you can't live like that for your whole life."

Catra had tried hard not to cry, not to let her emotions get the best of her—but they had for over a week, and it wasn't going to change now. DT passed her the tissue box, and she grabbed a handful. They waited for her to blow her nose before continuing.

"You've got to let people in, and you have been more recently, which is good. But darling, if the First Ones themselves are telling you that you two are meant to be together, then you are. You like this girl. From what I've heard, she likes you too. Catra, you're forcing yourself to be unhappy, can't you see?"

Catra tried to interject, "No, I—" but the words died in her throat and her therapist powered on.

"I know you thought that what you were doing would make things better in the long run. That it was self-preservation, protection. But you've come into every session these past couple weeks absolutely miserable—don't think I didn't notice—and you just don't deserve that. You do deserve her, you deserve this more than anyone I know. In fact, because you've had a pretty shitty life so far, I'd say that this must be the universe's way of making it up to you." There was a small smile on their face, offering her comfort, support, reminding her she didn't have to face this all alone.

Wiping a straggling tear, Catra said, "DT, I—" her voice cracked, but she tried again. "But I fucked everything up. She probably hates me now."

"I don't think she hates you. I just think you need to make it up to her. Big time." They said.

Catra pondered over the words for a moment, then looked over at the clock and realised she had extremely overran her allocated time slot, and began to get up, putting her bag on her back.

"My bad, didn't realise the time. I, uh, better get going."

DT waved it off. "It happens. Take care, okay? See you next week."

"Yeah, see you then." Before Catra could rush out the door, she stopped, turning back to say, "Thank you. Really."

She didn't wait for a reply.

That night, she went home feeling decidedly lighter than she had in awhile. The miserable fog that had been casted over her head was beginning to clear—peaks of light were starting to poke through.

Starting from tomorrow, Catra would find a way to make everything up to Adora.

The problem with that, however, was that she still had work then, which meant she didn't have much time at all to think about how she was going to fix things. By the end of the day, she had grown so exhausted that she thought her brain would turn to mush; though the exhaustion was much better than the dejected numbness she'd grown used to feeling in the past few weeks.

Despite how all Catra could think about was the image of her bed, waiting for her to sleep in it, when she got a message from Scorpia asking if she wanted to hang, with a location attached to it, she found herself responding almost instantly with: I'll be there in 30 mins.

She wasn't usually one for going out on work nights—at least not anymore, just a year ago and it was the complete opposite—as she very much valued being well-rested and in peace, but she was eager to talk to someone about the situation (and Catra being eager to talk didn't happen much) and who better than Scorpia? As she entered the bar, she saw her sitting at one of the far booths with Entrapta next to her, and she couldn't stop her lips tugging upwards at the sight of her two friends. Dorks.

"Wildcat! Hey! You seem in a good mood—was work that good?" Scorpia got up to give her a hug. To her surprise, Catra didn't protest as usual, instead she let out a laugh.

"You could say that," she said as she slid into the booth. "Hey 'Trapta." she nudged her with her foot, and Entrapta looked up from her phone.

Putting it in her pocket, she studied Catra before saying, "Scorpia is right, you do look less gloomy. That's good."

"Glad to know you care," she replied with a hint of sarcasm.

Scorpia had already ordered them some snacks and drinks; beer for the two of them and a soda for Entrapta since she was driving—and she preferred them anyway. Once they were finally settled and had indulged in some small talk, the topic finally shifted to the bizarrely good mood Catra was in, after weeks of that not being the case.

"So, Catra..." Scorpia scooted forward in her seat, closer to Catra. "are we gonna address the elephant in the room here?"

Catra scoffed, as if she didn't know what she meant. "There's no elephant, Scorp."

"Well, I think the elephant Scorpia is referring to is the drastic change in your mood!" Entrapta pointed out, and Catra rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, duh. Okay, wanna know why I'm in a good mood?"

They both nodded.

"Because I've decided that I...I need to talk to Adora. And apologise. Because I've realised I do want her in my life—soulmate or not." It had been one of the first times she'd uttered the word since her talk with Scorpia about the matter. It was odd—acknowledging it out loud.

"Oh, thank the First Ones! I thought I'd have to, like, shout at you or something to get you to come to your senses." Scorpia let out a heavy sigh, as if she were a runner who'd just finished a marathon.

"And I thought I'd have to break out the hard-hitting statistics!" Entrapta said after, equally exasperated.

Catra felt a pang in her chest—although her friends had said it quite lightheartedly, she couldn't help but feel guilty for all that she'd put them through the last few weeks. She had been insufferable, to say the least. Catra vowed to herself that she'd make it up to them, even if they insisted it was fine. For now, however, she had another task at hand.

"Luckily for me, you don't have to do any of that. But...I do need your help."

Both of them perked up at that, leaning in and waiting for Catra to elaborate. It made her slightly uneasy—the two of them listening intently to what she had to say, which would most definitely sound stupid coming out of her mouth. Still, she took a sip of her beer, cleared her throat, and tried to explain.

"So obviously, I need to apologise. But after being an A+ asshole, something as simple as ice cream or a bottle of wine won't make for a good peace offering. Yesterday, DT said I needed to make it up to her 'big time', but...how the fuck do I do that?" Catra threw her hands up, gesturing to nothing.

Scorpia had a hand on her chin, humming, while Entrapta took a long sip of her Fanta. Catra looked between the two of them, nails drumming against the table. After possibly a minute of this, Catra groaned.

"Well? Anything?"

"You can't rush perfection, Wildcat." Scorpia said in a semi-sagely voice. "But wait, oh, I think an idea is coming to me! What about...a big public gesture—like in the movies?"

Catra stared at her with a deadpan look. "No. Fuck no. I hardly like expressing my feelings to the people I have to, why would I want to express them to her with a bunch of strangers around?"

"You have feelings for her?" Scorpia pouted.

Catra had to fight the urge to lean over the table and smack her in the head. Though she still snapped back, "Scorpia! Focus!"

"Okay, okay," she said with her hands up in defence. "You did say big though."

"Not that big." Catra turned to Entrapta. "What about you, Brainiac? Any ideas?"

Entrapta considered her answer, then said, "well, I thought about it, and I think the best thing to do is to give her a token of your love."

Catra choked on the beer she'd been sipping. Scorpia leaned over to pat her on the back, but she swatted her away.

With a cough, she said, "my love?"

Entrapta nodded.

Deciding against unpacking that, Catra brought the conversation away from that to, "what kind of token are we talking about?"

Shrugging, Entrapta said, "flowers, chocolate, maybe a personalised gift if you want something more specific to their character. Oh—and of course a card, or a note, detailing your feelings slash begging for forgiveness."

Scorpia, clearly enthusiastic about the idea, was smiling widely next to her.

"Okay," Catra nodded. "Not terrible. But I still need to figure out how to even get her to talk to me."

"Isn't that the easy part? Just message her saying you want to talk. Or, y'know, knock on her door. She lives across the hall from you, Wildcat." Scorpia said.

Stifling a scoff, Catra replied, "Scorpia. This girl is almost as stubborn as me. If not more. There's no way after all the times I've left her on read that she would jump at a message from me."

"So, what are you gonna do?" Entrapta asked.

"Yeah...still thinking about that one." Catra huffed. Who knew planning how to apologise to someone could be so long winded?

Scorpia let out an 'oh!' and both Catra and Entrapta turned to face her.

"I think I have an idea. Though, I don't know how much you're gonna like it..."

Catra didn't. At all. But she decided she would have to suck it up. For Adora's sake. For her own sake. Once she'd gotten home from the bar, and the tipsy-ness and brief high of hope had worn off, the incessant headache Catra had almost grown used to in the past few weeks came back with a strong sense of vengeance. At least it was quiet. And although she couldn't fix everything this instant, she would.

That night, Catra went to bed, with the presence of Adora nearby being comforting and reassuring, rather than suffocating and heartbreaking. She dreamt of the night sky, and the moon, and the stars, of warmth in the air and a fire in her chest. The next morning, as Catra remembered it all, a smile sprung on her face.

Friday at work was bearable. Fun even. Though Catra was still itching to get out so she could start getting everything together that she needed. She was planning on saving the hardest job until last. In other words—putting it off for as long as possible. In the meantime, she went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. She also decided to take Entrapta's advice and wrote out a 'letter of apology' or something of the sort. And despite her profession in journalism, it took her a few hours to write something that only slightly portrayed her regret, and what she had been feeling at the time to cause her to act that way. It still felt unfinished, even by the time Catra was rewriting the words for maybe the tenth time at close to 1am. There was something integral missing—the mention of them being soulmates. But Catra felt as though that would have been a cowardly way to tell Adora—she needed to say the words herself. Frankly, Catra wasn't even sure if mentioning it was a good idea, so soon after Adora's—presumed—forgiveness. What if she didn't believe her? What if the idea scared her like it had Catra? What if she ran away from it all, from Catra? They were irrational thoughts, Catra knew just as much, but that didn't stop her from ruminating over the possibility when she should have been sleeping. Eventually, she settled on not putting it in the letter, but if the opportunity arose, she would tell her on the spot. That could work. Perfect.

Once the weekend had officially rolled up, Catra knew it was finally time to go through with the last stage in her plan. The one she'd been dreading. Taking a deep breath, she brought her knuckles up to Door 19 and knocked.

"Coming!" a voice said from the other side.

Catra stood there, impatient, tail slightly swaying side to side. She heard footsteps, then the click of the lock, and braced herself for the reaction of the other person.

"Oh. It's you." Sparkles—no, Glimmer—said, spitting the words like they were venom.

Ignoring her entirely, Catra asked, "Adora's not here, right?" even though she already knew the answer.

It was 7am on a Saturday morning (far too early for Catra, but she supposed some sacrifices had to be made for the greater good), which meant Adora was out on her morning run. Also, no chills ran up her spine, nor did she feel that faint tingling—the most obvious way to tell whether or not she was here. Despite that, she had still asked, arguably to make it seem like she had merely guessed she wouldn't be in, and not that she'd been planning this for days. Ultimately, it was just a stalling tactic.

"Uh...nope. Morning run. You must know that by now." Glimmer was still glaring at her suspiciously. "Anyway, why are you here, Catra?"

"Nice to see you too, Sparkles," Catra said with a grin, but when Glimmer started to shut the door it faltered. "Okay, okay, wait! It's about Adora." she said quickly.

Interest regained, Glimmer opened the door again, a little wider. She bit the inside of her cheek, then relented. "Fine, come in."

Catra almost wanted to say thank you. Instead, she nodded and stepped into the apartment. She followed her into the living room, and as she sat down in one of the two armchairs, Glimmer left for a moment, telling her to wait there. Her ear twitched as she listened to the hushed tones of Glimmer and Bow in the next room.

"Hey babe, who was at the door?" she heard Bow say.

Babe? She hadn't known they were together, though they did seem like a good match. Catra couldn't help but feel bad for Adora having to live with a couple. Wouldn't that be terrifying?

"Catra." Glimmer said her name as if Catra had personally wronged her.

It was almost comedic how much she seemed to dislike her.

"Something about Adora." she said and from there, Catra stopped listening, tuning out the rest of the conversation.

After another minute or two of spacing out, Catra heard the door click open, with both Glimmer and Bow coming out. Great—two on one, Catra knew she should have brought back up. Although Bow was basically harmless. Bow sat down on the couch, while Glimmer seemed content to stand, most definitely to assert some dominance over Catra.

"You have five minutes." she said, crossing her arms.

Catra opened her mouth to start what she had (just barely) rehearsed before knocking on the door, but found herself opening and closing her mouth, once, twice, three times. Glimmer watched her with a brow raised, and it took everything out of Catra not to snap at her. The words which finally came out of mouth weren't necessarily the right ones, but they were words nonetheless.

"I cared about Adora." Glimmer looked at her slightly puzzled, but she kept going. "I still do. And I know what I did—it wasn't cool—"

"Understatement of the century." Glimmer muttered, and Bow shot her a look.

"Okay, it was really shitty of me. But, I wanna fix it." Catra said. As she waited for a reply, she shifted in her seat.

"Sure, but why not go and tell this to her and not us?" she asked, genuinely sounding curious.

Catra scoffed. "Do you think Adora would be willing to hear me out right now? That she'd answer my messages?"

"Good point." Bow said. "Adora can be very stubborn."

With a groan, Glimmer said. "Okay, yeah, you're right. But what are we supposed to do about this?"

Catra smirked. "I have an idea in mind."

By the time Catra had finished explaining it all, and Bow and Glimmer had run out of questions to ask, Catra had been there for nearly half an hour, which was far too long for her liking. They bid her goodbye, Bow's friendly, and Glimmer's clearly forced. It hardly mattered to Catra, she was practically elated at how everything had actually gone to plan. She was nearly at the final hurdle, in the final stretch—only a couple more days.

Catra had never been the patient type, so having to wait a little more before she could talk to Adora and set the record straight wasn't easy. Every time her gaze failed to meet Catra's, she felt as if someone was slowly chipping away at her heart, all while that cold chill ran through her. It could be hard to concentrate on work some days—the headaches certainly didn't help. They weren't as bad as before though, now they were more mellow, only a minor annoyance instead of an incessant pain.

As much as it hurt to see Adora hurting still, she reminded herself it wouldn't be like this forever, wishing she could relay the same message to Adora. Soon she'd know though.

When DT asked Catra about it at their therapy session that week, for once, Catra didn't hesitate to tell them anything.

"Good that you're taking initiative!" They had said.

Finally, after a long, hard, gruelling week, Friday was here, and Catra was filled with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. She got home from work as quickly as possible to have enough time to get everything ready, and then once she'd prepared adequately, she left to go to the spot.

It was around seven now, the sun had just fallen but it wasn't completely dark yet. There were few people around, which Catra was glad for. She was sitting on the park bench—the same park bench they had gotten drunk on what felt like a century ago—thrumming with nerves as she waited, tail unable to keep still unless she wrapped it around herself, but even then it would twitch. After nearly twenty minutes of waiting, she felt a familiar spark travel up her spine; her heart sped up and her body was considerably warmer. This was it.

Adora was in her line of sight now, which meant she was in hers. For the first time in weeks, they locked eyes with each other, and Catra nearly shuddered at that alone. Adora wore her usual leggings, running shoes, and today, a black windbreaker. Catra got up from the bench to meet her halfway.

Face to face now, Catra could see Adora didn't look pleased. "Catra, where's Glimmer? She said she—"

"She's not here." she cut her off, earning her another annoyed glare.

Adora scoffed, saying, "yeah, I can see that." She started to turn to leave.

"Wait!" Catra reached out for her, and as her fingers brushed Adora's shoulder, she felt that familiar, small jolt and withdrew.

Adora had most definitely felt something too, because her shoulder seemed to shrug involuntarily at the contact. She had stopped walking now, but only half of her was facing Catra.

"Why should I?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Huh?" Catra said, perplexed by the question.

"Why should I wait, Catra?" Adora was facing her again. In fact, she'd taken a step forward, face only inches away from Catra. She was close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off her body, that she could see the thin layer of sweat on her forehead, that she could smell it.

Catra forced herself to focus on what she was saying, rather than...other things. "I asked her to say that." she said.

Another scoff. "I don't believe you."

It shouldn't have been a surprise to Catra. Why would she believe her after everything?

Glancing at the ground, then back up again, Catra took a breath before speaking. "I asked her to say that so I could talk to you. Because I knew you wouldn't wanna listen. And I understand. I understand if you never want to talk to me again, but please, hear me out."

Being under Adora's stare was usually quite overwhelming—not knowing what she was thinking or what she could say next didn't help either—but this time, seeing her with this conflicted look on her face, mouth set in a straight line and eyes attempting (and succeeding) at piercing through Catra's soul—it took everything not to look away.

After a couple more seconds of this, Adora had made her decision.

"Okay...fine." she took a step back, making it a little easier for Catra to breathe.

Adora was letting her take control, letting her talk. Catra couldn't be more grateful.

Catra gestured to the bench with the flick of her tail, and Adora followed after her. They sat down a respectable distance away from each other, nearly at opposite ends. Another moment of silence passed, and Catra knew she couldn't stall much longer. Her heart drummed in her chest louder than it ever had before, so loud she was sure if it wasn't for Adora's inferior hearing capabilities (at least in comparison to hers) that she'd be able to hear it.

Clearing her throat, she began. "I, uhm..." she scrambled to get the letter out of her pocket. It was in a red envelope, and had Adora written in her scrawly handwriting on the front. Catra thought it was redundant to write her name on it, but Scorpia had insisted. She held it out to Adora. "I wrote you this. Because I'm not, y'know, the best at...feelings and stuff. But I can say this, Adora." She paused, taking a gulp. "I'm really, really fucking sorry. What I did...it was a shitty thing to do. It wasn't fair. And what I said the last time we spoke, it was terrible, so terrible and untrue and—I guess I was just upset. And overwhelmed. So, yeah. The letter is probably better at explaining it all."

Adora looked at it for a moment, then took it from Catra's hands to open it. As she started reading, Catra was tempted to look away, so she didn't have to try and gauge her reaction from every little twitch of her eyebrow or curl of her lip. It was just over a page long, so although it didn't take Adora more than a couple minutes to read, Catra felt like an eternity had passed by the time she was done. Her heart was still beating loudly in her chest (somehow even louder than before), her ears were pressed close to her head, and her tail kept twitching every couple seconds. She was glad Adora was so focused on reading that she hadn't even spared a glance her way yet. Catra's nerves were calmed by Adora's expression softening as she read on: the way she bit her bottom lip; the way her brows creased and started to well with water had made Catra's heart clench. She desperately wanted to reach out and hold her. Near the end of the letter, Adora perked up again, even stifling a laugh at a joke Catra had put in as a poor attempt to wrap things up in a somewhat light-hearted manner.

Folding the letter neatly and putting it back into the envelope, Adora slipped it in her pocket, then finally met eyes with Catra. They looked at each other, saying nothing with words, but millions with their eyes. Catra's mismatched ones spoke of regret, of guilt, but also hope—hope she could fix what she'd broken; Adora's spoke of willingness, of forgiveness, and faith, that maybe this could work out after all. Maybe she had always thought so.

She shifted a smidge closer, a tentative smile on her face as she said, "Catra..."

Catra returned the gesture with her own timid smile.

"Just so you know, you don't have to forgive me, at least not straight away. I want to prove myself to you—I wanna be better. So, take your time."

Adora shook her head. "Of course I forgive you. But, yeah, it might take some time for things to get back to the way they were—actually, no, they'll be better." She wore the smile more naturally now. Catra had missed it.

"Hopefully." she whispered. She wasn't sure whether Adora had heard her or not, as she moved the conversation onto something entirely different.

"You said you made a blueberry pie?" Adora asked, and Catra was actually glad she'd reminded her because she had almost forgotten she'd brought it. Lifting up a bag behind the bench and placing it between them, Catra gestured for her to look inside. She had made it after coming back from work. Catra wasn't much of a baker, however, and hadn't had the opportunity to taste it, so she could only hope it tasted as good as it looked. It was in an old cake tin she'd had lying around, nothing special. Atop of it, however, was one red rose flower (once again, because of Scorpia's insistence. "You have to be at least a little romantic, c'mon Wildcat!" she had said, and even though Catra had claimed she thought it was 'a fucking waste of money' she'd found herself at the flower shop after work buying one before she could even rethink it.) and if Adora's little gasp was anything to go by, she hadn't expected that.

"Yep," she said, answering her question, refusing to acknowledge Adora's reaction. "Your favourite, right?" Catra already knew the answer to that question. "I thought it'd be a nice peace offering. Along with...the other thing in there."

Adora's eyes were the brightest she'd seen them in a while. "Thank you, Catra."

Shrugging, Catra feigned her usual nonchalance. "No problem, princess." The affectionate nickname had slipped out so easily, Catra didn't even notice until Adora broke eye contact, blush spreading across her cheeks. Or it could just be she was still cooling off from her run. Or that Catra was completely imagining it. The latter seemed likely with her track record.

After another moment, Adora spoke up again. "Hey, Catra? In the letter, you said that you were, uh, scared. If you don't mind me asking...what made it so scary for you?"

Catra had expected Adora to ask her something like that—about why she was scared in the first place. She had thought about what she would say, and yet she still found herself tripping over her words, starting and stopping and stuttering.

"Well I—" sighing, she tried again. "I guess it's because I—" she cut herself off again, and her shoulders slumped.

Adora nudged her with her foot. "Hey, it's okay. Take your time." She wore an encouraging smile, one that made Catra feel like she could do anything, say anything.

Now, it felt like the perfect opportunity, the opening she had been looking for. This was her chance. Sitting up again, she cleared her throat and looked over to Adora. She was looking back, giving Catra her undivided attention, and the thought soothed Catra as much as it intimidated her, reminded her of the overbearing weight she'd been carrying for over a month now, the weight that reminded her of what, who Adora was to her. And in the evening light, she looked beautiful, perfect even, and Catra could feel the words forming, them crawling up her throat—when her brain decided to bombard her with every worry, every fear (what if she didn't believe her? If she was mad at her for not telling her? Or, if she didn't want Catra to be her soulmate? What then?), and she felt herself shrink back into her seat. But she still had to tell her something. She would be as honest as she could. And eventually, when things weren't still as precarious and delicate as now, she'd tell Adora the truth.

"I'm not used to this. Any of this. And getting so close to someone so quickly...I suppose it was a bit of a shock to the system, y'know. Where I grew up, I never really had control. My life, my decisions—they were all someone else's idea. And these feelings, well, because it was happening so fast and I'd never felt like this about anyone ever, I guess it was so scary because I wasn't used to it, because I didn't know what to do, or how to go about it. I was afraid I'd fuck it up, and by being afraid of that, I kinda did. But I wanna try now, because I've realised that some things...you can't control, and that it's not necessarily a bad thing."

Catra let out a shuddery breath, but there was still a hint of a smile on her face. It hadn't been everything, but it was more than she'd expected to say.

The words had clearly touched Adora, because she looked as if she itched to be closer, but the blueberry pie between them acted as a wall, keeping them apart. Instead, she nodded.

"Okay. I think I understand now. I know you didn't have it easy growing up, but I never realised that—" she bit the inside of her cheek. "Maybe this sounds dumb, or selfish, but I wished you had talked to me."

Catra stared down her feet for a moment. "How about I promise you something?"

Adora tilted her head, brows furrowed.

"I, Catra, promise you, Adora, that I will never ignore you again, and instead be upfront about my feelings, and more open about my past," she said, outstretching her arm with her pinkie sticking out.

Adora looked at it, then back up at Catra again. "Can I make a promise too?"

Catra nodded. "Sure."

"Okay, then. I, Adora, promise you, Catra, that I will also never ignore you again, but that I will give you the space and time you need to come to me about things. And finally, that I'll always be here if you need me."

Adora met Catra in the middle, pinkies interlocking. The contact caused the expected spark down her arm, but Catra didn't flinch as she had done before. Instead, she embraced the connection, the assurance that these promises weren't fleeting.

They really did mean something.

The conversation became less serious—easier, like it had been when they'd first met. They complained about co-workers, swapped stories of odd things they had seen in Bright Moon in the past few weeks (before they had been keeping a tally, but Catra didn't mind the idea of starting over again) and laughed at stupid jokes that were quite possibly not as funny as they made them out to be. Neither noticed the time pass by and how dark it had gotten, until Adora remembered to check her phone and realised it was nearly nine—they'd been talking for over an hour.

"We better get going," Adora said. "Glimmer is probably having to reassure Bow that I haven't been kidnapped."

"Yeah, we should." Catra agreed, and the two got up, walking in a comfortable silence. Catra carried the pie for Adora on the journey back to their apartments, and once they'd reached them, she handed it to her.

"Thanks," Adora said, holding up the bag.

"It's okay." Catra replied, and realised that she was supposed to wish her a goodnight. However, what came out instead was, "So...we're gonna be okay, right?"

Adora smiled, her ocean eyes bright, alive. "More than okay."

Catra smiled back. They wished each other goodnight with a brief hug—which was definitely made a little awkward considering the bag Adora was holding—but it was nice, and unlike before, Catra welcomed the heat in her limbs and the way she felt her heart melt a little, the way she melted into Adora's arms a little.

She had a couple messages from the Super Pal Trio group chat, most being from Scorpia asking for an update, and a few from Entrapta, who was more interested in talking about the new game she'd been playing. Not having the energy to have a full conversation she sent a short message to tide them over. Went well, better than expected, meet up tomorrow to talk abt it?

Catra fell asleep soon after that, feeling the most content she had been in a while. That night, she dreamt of the stars, constellations, and Adora.

The next few weeks were as close to bliss as Catra had ever felt in quite possibly her whole life. Spending time with Adora now that they had cleared things up was even more fun than before. They had resumed their weekly outings with each other; they were texting nonstop; visiting each other's apartment to watch a movie, or just to bask in each other's company, even more often than before. Catra had also been opening up to Adora a little more about her past. Although it was often only small recounts—them being the least terrible amongst the countless of bad memories—Adora seemed to appreciate it nonetheless, always listened without interrupting and never asked questions unless Catra said she didn't mind them. It warmed Catra's heart.

Some days with Adora still proved to be overwhelming, especially when their bond showed no sign of dimming, and especially not of going away. When it did get too much, when the heat threatened to spill over like a volcano waiting to erupt, or when the jolt felt a little stronger than usual, Adora almost always seemed to notice that something was wrong; no matter how subtle Catra would be, somehow she just knew and would ask if she was alright, if she wanted to be on her own for a while. And if she didn't pick up on it, Catra could always just ask if she could be on her own and Adora would oblige—no questions asked. That happened less and less, however, as the tranquility Catra felt when with Adora was definitely worth the minuscule sacrifice. In fact, Catra had grown so used to it—now that she knew what it meant and fully accepted it—that it was hardly bothersome anymore, or something she paid much attention to.

The pair had grown so comfortable with each other that everyone had noticed. At first it was just small comments. Catra had been texting Adora one time when she was out with Scorpia shopping, (she was waiting for her while she tried on some clothes, which always took long, so she had been complaining to Adora about it) and when Scorpia had seen her texting, she instantly knew who it was.

"Adora?" she asked, and Catra just nodded, looking back down at her phone again. She chuckled at the gif Adora had sent her.

"Seems like you're always texting her nowadays, Wildcat..." Scorpia had a grin on her face.

"Your point?" Catra said, eyes still on her phone.

"Oh, nothing." she replied in a sing-song voice.

Another time, she and Adora were watching a movie over at Adora's when Bow and Glimmer had just come back after a date night. They had been sitting fairly close and were sharing a blanket, but other than that, they were both just focused on watching My Neighbour Totoro (Adora had freaked out when Catra said she'd never seen it).

Glimmer had squinted at the tv, as if scrutinising the movie, then said, "Weird movie to Netflix 'n chill to."

Adora had been too focused on the movie to even realise what Glimmer was implying, while Catra, on the other hand, had nearly choked on drink. Adora glanced over to check if she was okay, then went back to the film. After, Bow had come to get a drink from the kitchen, and Catra figured he wouldn't say anything, but then, just before going in his room, he eyed the pair, almost suspiciously, and said:

"We'll be in our bedroom, y'know, next door, so...don't be too loud you guys!" and quickly went into his room. Catra was glad she wasn't drinking anything for a second time.

Once he'd left, Adora paused the movie and the two shared a look. "Were they acting weird to you?"

Catra was almost stunned to silence. Was Adora that oblivious, or was she just extremely invested in this movie?

She recovered quickly, however, and replied, "I dunno, I was hardly listening to what they were saying, princess."

Adora hummed, then shrugged and resumed the film.

The final straw was at a group movie night. It was meant to be a bonding activity: her, Adora, Glimmer, Bow, Scorpia and Entrapta. So their friends could get to know each other better and she could get to know Adora's friends better (or, at the very least, learn to tolerate them for more than short five-minute bursts). It had actually gone pretty well. But, at one point, she'd fallen asleep, and being next to Adora, she'd instinctively curled up against her, who also happened to fall asleep, and by the time they'd woken up, everyone had gone. Confused, she'd checked her phone, only to see a message sent by Scorpia saying, date already!!! with a picture attached.

It was the two of them, asleep: Catra's head was tucked under Adora's chin; a hand slung over her torso and a tail curling around her ankle. Cursing under her breath, she typed a short message out, and put her phone back on the coffee table. They would talk about this.

Later that day, Catra met up with Scorpia for lunch, and she'd scolded her for a large majority of the time they were there.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!" Scorpia said. "If it makes it any better though, I wasn't the one who took it?"

Catra pinched the bridge of her nose, "no, Scorpia, in fact, that makes it worse!"

"Ah, okay, well then forget I—"

"Who?" Catra demanded.

Opening and closing her mouth, Scorpia sighed, finally admitting who the culprit was. "Glimmer."

"Of course it was," Catra rolled her eyes.

"Really though, why aren't you two dating yet? You practically are already."

Catra's ears flattened. "I don't know...it's complicated." Scorpia only responded by raising a brow. "Ugh, fine! I haven't told her yet."

Her eyes widened. "That you're soulmates!?" Catra hissed at her to be quieter, but she nodded.

"I thought you already did, like weeks ago." Scorpia said.

"I was supposed to." Catra said miserably.

"But...?" Scorpia questioned.

"But I guess I'm still scared." Catra huffed. "And also, I want it to be the right moment, y'know?"

Sitting back a little, Scorpia sighed. "I understand, Wildcat. But you've gotta tell her, soon. You can't leave her in the dark forever, and why would you want to anyway?"

"I know, I will." Catra promised. "I will."

Her therapist was equally appalled at the fact she hadn't told Adora yet when she'd mentioned it.

"And it's been how many weeks?!" They asked, incredulous.

Catra opened her mouth to answer, but they stuck a finger up and said, "I don't even want to know. This is a tragedy. You need to tell her, ASAP. If you come next week and I find out you haven't—you don't even want to know what the consequences will be."

As annoying as it was to have all her friends (and therapist) breathing down her neck about it, it did give her the push she needed to ask Adora out on Friday night. Catra messaged in the morning asking if she was free—she'd already known she was, but it was courtesy to check.

Great! You wanna go somewhere tonight, say 8ish?

Adora messaged back, asking, can I pick?

Catra was tempted to say no, but she realised that Adora knew the city best, and she also knew Catra best—she wouldn't take her anywhere she didn't like.

Sure, and it's a date <3

Technically, this was their second date (because after much rumination, Catra had decided that yes, the coffee date was in fact a date), but in the past couple of weeks they'd gone on many outings that could arguably be classified as such. However, since they hadn't explicitly called all of those dates, Catra actually saying it had meant it was even more special. Catra had no doubt in her mind that this would be the night she told Adora they were soulmates.

Work went by quicker than usual, which Catra was grateful for as she rushed home to get ready for their date. Once she'd showered, and put on a little makeup (nothing but eyeliner and some blush—most products irritated the thin layer of fur on her face) she facetimed Scorpia to help her with picking out some clothes.

"Do you think a dress is too much?" she asked, holding up a maroon coloured one.

"Hmm...well, she hasn't told you where you're going, right?"

Catra shook her head.

"Well then, I would just go casual unless she's said otherwise." Scorpia said, and Catra couldn't argue with her logic.

With the help of Scorpia, she ended up picking out a pair of maroon jeans, with a leather jacket and plain t-shirt underneath. Now, she just had to wait for Adora to knock—she'd know she was here before the knock anyway. After around thirty minutes of waiting, Adora arrived. When Catra opened the door, the sight of Adora had nearly taken her breath away. She wasn't wearing anything extravagant—just a white tee and red letterman jacket, similar to what she wore most days—but the look was complemented by the makeup she was wearing, and Catra had realised this was the first time she'd seen her with it on. She was already breathtaking without, but this combined with the few strands of hair framing her face instead of it all caught up in that ponytail and— wow.

"You look beautiful." Catra blurted out, skipping out on a greeting.

Adora let out a laugh (it was still music to Catra's ears) and replied, looking Catra up and down, "so do you."

The two stood there for a moment, admiring each other unashamedly, before Adora gave her a smile and said, "come on, let's go."

Catra nodded, locking up and following behind Adora. That's when she noticed Adora holding a bag and eyed it suspiciously. "What's in the bag, princess?"

Adora just kept walking towards the elevator. Once the door was shut, she had a grin on her face. "You'll see." She pressed the elevator button, and they stood in a comfortable silence. Catra was only a little nervous about telling her, though she knew once the time drew nearer her anxiety would increase, so for now, she enjoyed standing shoulder to shoulder with Adora while her mind was still clear.

It was only when the elevator doors opened when she'd realised they weren't at the ground floor.

"Uh...Adora, are you okay?" Catra asked as Adora got out of the elevator, walking as if there was nothing wrong.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Keep up, Catra!" Adora said as she sped down the corridor.

Catra quickened her pace. "Because this is the top floor! Are you sure you didn't, I don't know, fall over and hit your head on one of your runs? Oh fuck—are you brain damaged?"

At that, Adora chuckled, stopping in front of a worn out door. It didn't have a number on it, so it couldn't be an apartment door. Where was she taking her? Catra felt a prickle of uncertainty, but she trusted Adora—who at the moment, was digging something out of her pockets.

"If you murder me, Scorpia will come for you," Catra joked.

Adora had apparently found what she was looking for, a key, and was unlocking the door now. Once she opened it, Catra was surprised to see stairs, leading up to another door.

"I would never dream of it," Adora smiled, gesturing for Catra to go first.

Rolling her eyes, she trudged up the stairs anyway, and once she got to the second door, she waited for Adora to unlock it. This time, as Adora opened the door, she was met with a cold gust of wind. Oh. They were on the building's rooftop.

Catra casted a confused glance at Adora. "How are we even allowed up here?"

Adora just smirked in reply and said, "I have my ways." She carried on forward, and Catra had no choice but to follow after her.

They went right up to the ledge, and Catra watched as Adora produced a blanket from her bag, laying it down on the ground. As they both sat down, Catra gave Adora a grin and said, "so...you come here often?"

Scoffing, Adora shook her head, smiling at the ground. She looked up at Catra. "Actually, yeah. I do sometimes. Just to think. It's actually one of my favourite places in the city."

"And you're only now showing me?" Catra asked, incredulous.

Adora looked away for a moment, as if she were embarrassed and said, "Well...I guess I was waiting for the perfect opportunity." She paused. "Anyway, I took you up here so we could stargaze. You can see them a lot better up here because there's less light pollution. Here, lay down."

Catra laid down next to Adora, shuffling a little to find a comfortable position. Once she 'stopped squirming' (that was how Adora put it), she finally looked up at the sky properly for the first time. Upon looking at it, she gasped at how beautiful it looked. She had never seen more than a couple stars in the sky at a time, but now there were dozens, more than she could count. They illuminated the dark background of the night, and shone so brightly—they looked how Catra felt: content, at ease. It was then that she realised her hand itched to reach out for Adora's, but she remembered the words of the book and just thinking about it sent her pulse racing and head spinning. She had to tell her first.

"Wow..." Catra breathed. "It really is beautiful. Y'know, I had a dream that was kinda like this," she said, hoping that this could be her opening.

"You did?"

Nodding, Catra said, "Mmhm." The words she wanted to say we're stuck in her throat, and she had no clue how to lodge them out.

"Aren't there like, constellations or something?" she found herself saying instead.

"Oh, yeah! My nana and I used to stargaze together and she'd tell me all about them." Adora squinted at the sky, trying to pick them out, Catra assumed. "Ah! I see Scorpius over there—you're a scorpio, right?"

Catra nodded and tried to see what Adora was pointing to.

Adora took out her phone, typing something in before handing it to Catra. It was a picture of the constellation. Catra peered at the phone, then the sky again, following Adora's fingers.

"I do kinda see it." Catra said with a smile. Then she thought back to the recurring dreams she'd been having. She'd been up somewhere high, stargazing, with someone there next to her which for a while she couldn't figure out who. Now she knew that it had been Adora. The dreams still hadn't made much sense, but now everything seemed to be coming together. Remembering something else from the dreams, Catra glanced over at Adora, who was still marvelling at the sight.

"What about yours? Capricorn or something? Can you see it?" she asked.

"Oh, you mean Capricornus?" Adora replied, hand on her chin.

"Yeah, that, dork." Catra elbowed her, and Adora let out a yelp as she tried to dodge the attack.

Once they were settled again, Adora hummed, scrunching up her face (she always did when she was concentrating hard on something, Catra thought it was adorable) as she searched for the other constellation. "Hmm...actually, wait—yeah! It's next to yours."

Catra pulled the picture up on Adora's phone, and again tried to pick out where it was. "I don't see it, princess."

"Here," Adora said, taking Catra's wrist in her hand and outlining each point. Catra tried her best to concentrate on the constellation—and she half did—but as soon as Adora's hand made contact with her skin, that burning heat seared through her and a jolt pulsed down her arm. She hadn't even noticed she was trembling until Adora let go and asked, "are you cold?"

"Uh, yeah," she lied, and instantly wished she hadn't.

Adora got up to retrieve another blanket from her bag, this one being a little thicker. She sat up, and Adora came back, wrapping it around her.

"Hey, you get to be warm too." Catra smiled, and Adora scooted over, now shoulder to shoulder with Catra as they shared the blanket. They both looked down and the rest of the city, and Catra couldn't help but feel as though they were watching an entire different world, an ant-sized one, while she and Adora were trapped in their own little bubble.

She got taken out of her thoughts when Adora shifted next to her. "Hey, Catra, could I tell you something?"

Catra turned a little to face her. "Uh...yeah. Yeah, of course." It couldn't possibly be that she—?

Adora took a deep breath. "It's just that, ever since you came, things have been, I don't know, different." she said.

Different? Catra refused to believe Adora knew, because surely, surely she would have said something sooner. So, Catra said in reply, "Yeah, I was like a total asshole for a while, I know and—"

"No, not that, I mean like... I feel different."

Maybe she didn't know exactly what was happening, like Catra hadn't. That meant Catra still had a chance to tell her. "Different how?" she asked.

"Just...different." Adora bit her lip. "Catra, I think—" she cut herself off. "Do you trust me?"

"Adora, I—yeah, I do. It's just that—"

"Do you?" Adora asked again, and when Catra locked eyes with her, she could see the determination in them, how they lit up, and once more they pierced through her soul. Catra wondered if her gaze would always carry that same weight.

"I trust you." Catra whispered.

"Then take my hand." Adora said, placing her hand between them, palm facing upwards.

Catra glanced down at it, then at Adora again. She remembered the words from one of the books she had borrowed from the library— The First Coming of Death— and she felt her stomach twist and pulse quicken again. This was it. Catra had known this would be a part of all this. And although recalling those words sent her head spinning, she knew she had to go through with it. For Adora.

Catra's hand slid into Adora's, and they clasped onto each other tightly. For a moment, nothing happened, and then—

A familiar spark brought a shudder out of Catra, only this one felt much stronger, forcing Catra to grip Adora's hand even tighter as she fought to hold on. When that feeling ceased, another followed quickly after. Heat rushed through her body, travelling head to toe—her limbs felt like they were on fire—the blistering sensation causing her to hiss. At some point, she had closed her eyes; next to her, she could feel Adora trembling, and she longed to soothe her pain, but all she could do was grip tighter as she suddenly felt chills creeping up her spine. She was cold all over now—a clear juxtaposition to just seconds ago. Catra didn't know what was happening, if this was some cruel trick or test from the First Ones, all she knew was that she wanted it to stop, she desperately wanted it to—Adora's trembling had ceased, and so had her own. Relief washed over her body as she still clung to Adora's hand, eyes closed, but she had spoken too soon.

A sharp pain pulsed through her head, and her eyes were forced open, and instead of being greeted by the sight of Bright Moon's night sky, she was seeing memories—but they weren't her own. They were Adora's. Snippets of Adora's life, passing by with each blink. There were the good ones, from when she was young, and blissful, most of them being with Razz, as well as the bad ones—Razz dying, the funeral; other things flashing by she didn't quite understand; Adora crying alone in an unfamiliar room; Adora laughing with friends like Glimmer and Bow; brief glances of her life before Catra, until the last one, one which didn't feel like a memory, but wasn't exactly unfamiliar either. It was Adora and her, together, smiling and laughing and utterly content.

The image disintegrated into nothing more than a distant memory, fuzzy when she tried to picture it, and all the pain, all the sensations were gone—the only reminder of it being a slight tingling feeling, and Catra's heart beating loud enough that she could hear it in her ears. Catra turned to face Adora.

Thumb running over her knuckle, Adora whispered, "are you okay?"

Catra blinked a couple of times, but it did nothing to help. "I think so. But...woah."

"Yeah," Adora breathed.

"I guess they 'deemed our bond true' then, if that was any indication." Catra said, looking over at the blanket that they'd shook off at some point. Adora pulled it back over them.

"You know about all that?" Adora asked, jaw hanging open.

Chuckling, Catra said, "Of course I knew. I've known for a while. How about you?"

"Probably not as long as you. I figured out around the time you really started ignoring me—Glimmer and Bow got really worried. Before then I just kind of figured I was going crazy. That it was all in my head. I think they knew before I did. Then I wanted to tell you that night when you came with Scorpia and Entrapta, but, you know. So they told me to step back, to let you cool down. I did. And yeah...you know the rest. But it doesn't matter now though. We're here now." Adora beamed.

Catra smiled back. "We are." She paused. "I was going to tell you. Tonight, actually. I would have sooner, but I was—"

"Scared. Me too."

Looking away from Adora, Catra fixed her gaze on the ledge in front of them. "You know what I said in the letter, when apologising to you? About being scared of being out of control? It was more about this. I was scared of what it all meant for me. And that I wouldn't be good enough for you—that you deserve someone better."

Adora squeezed her hand. "You're not perfect, but I wouldn't want you to be. Your flaws are what make you you, Catra. There's no one better than you, okay? You're more than enough for me, more than I've ever wanted. I'm lucky that the First Ones brought us together, but even luckier you decided to trust me." Adora brought their clasped hands up to her face, and placed a featherlight kiss on Catra's hand. Catra expected a familiar jolt to shoot up her arm, but she was only left with a vague, warm, tingling sensation.

They sat in silence for a while, content with each other and under the stars.

Adora let out an exhale, as if she was purging the burdens of everything she'd been keeping in. "Well, now that everything's out in the open, there's nothing to be scared of anymore."

"Yeah, you're right." Catra wasn't scared anymore. Nervous, anxious for the future and what it held, maybe. But she knew it could only be good things, at least for the most part. The missing piece of the puzzle had finally slotted into place, and she'd been looking at it all along—she'd just refused to realise. At this moment, Catra decided that it wasn't really the First Ones that deemed their love true. It was them. It was always them. From the moment Adora first knocked on her door to now. They had done this. The First Ones only played a small role. They led her to Adora, but Catra had actualised it—no, they had actualised this together.

"Hey, Adora?"

Adora turned to look at her with a smile. "Catra?" Her thumb ran over Catra's knuckle again.

Catra couldn't help but marvel at her soulmate's beauty underneath the night sky. The shimmering of Adora's eyes rivalled the stars above them—and to think they had once taunted her to jump into the sea of unknown and Catra thought to ignore it. Now, Catra was prepared to dive in head first. And as her eyes glanced down to Adora's lips (still wearing that dorky grin no less), the feeling only increased. Her stare still held that familiar weight she had grown used to, but instead of it feeling suffocating, it felt mellow, softer, alluring—it was pulling Catra in.

"Catra?" Adora repeated, although it was barely above a whisper as her face drifted closer and closer to Catra's.

Bringing up her hand to cradle Adora's face, her finger ran along her jaw as she said, "Adora, I need to kiss you." She was already closing the distance between them.

"Then do it."

That's all Catra needed to hear before all previous restraints were broken and finally, finally her lips were pressed against Adora's. Warmth immediately rushed over her body and Adora's lips were soft—so soft—and her arm around Catra's waist made her tail curl around her ankle and Catra never wanted to stop feeling this way. They kissed until they were out of breath, and once they parted, it wasn't just Adora wearing a dorky grin. Both laughing, Catra was still in awe by all of this—the girl sitting beside her, Door number 19, Adora, was her soulmate. Not only was she her soulmate, but she also felt like home.

Catra leaned in to kiss her again.

How could Catra have ever been scared of loving Adora?