Mind Full Of Tricks

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

On repeat , it played on repeat.  The way  His voice echoed , playing like a broken record .   the mischievous grin of his stupid smile sent me in a spiral of fantasies. His hazel eyes piercing into mine , causing goosebumps down my spine.  Freckles perfectly scattered across his t-zone. Tatted arms that you would  barely be seeing  the image of if you didn't look close. But i have stared at them long enough to tell you the meaning.

The only thing stopping me from admitting my love to him , was the anxiety , yelling at me to not do anything.  It controlled who i was, what i did, anything that i pushed myself to accomplish was nonexistent. the urge to make my thoughts reality would vanish too soon.

I don't know what it was that caught my attention. Maybe his obnoxious laugh , the one where if you heard it , you would want to know the joke. Or is it the way he treated everyone with respect, and kindness. something very rare these days.

"Hey" he smiled. Oh like music to my ears.

 "hi" i whisper, coming out a bit shaky , but at least i managed to put whatever confidence in it.

" How do i look? " he spun around in his suit . his shoulders gripped it tightly, the strong smell of cologne overtook my emotions with nervousness. he looked up , slowly coming towards the pear of which i call a body of mine .

"you know... you look amazing"he says. raising an eyebrow , i smirk . "Your joking, right? " i reply.

"your not something to joke about , just look at you, that dress is nothing to compete with" He turns again, being greeted by his reflection.

 " i look like i need help" i say , because honestly , i do. Always told everyone around me that i did, but sadly, they brushed it off as some joke .

"I can Help , with whatever you need" he looks up , his eyes meeting mine. an encouraging smile slowly spreads , a small dimple pops up .

 " Your like the only happy person i know , like seriously your always there for everyone but you never ever ask anyone for help ." It was the truth, he never , ever, despite the circumstances had asked anyone for a problem he had trouble with . Did he have bad days? of course he did. But  not once did he bring up his personal business.

"Don't worry about me , i'll be fine, please take care of yourself okay? " he states. 

" i Will , i promise. " i go and hold his hand , the bed welcomes him , and i stand there still. Like a statue that has been stuck to the ground, i was unable to move . 

" Now, how do i look ?" he asks again. " Handsome, as always " i croak.

 " Well i have to go now " he whispers. But i wanted him to stay longer, admit to him that i had feelings to him. To tell him that no matter time has gone by that i will never change. I wanted to hug him, and lay there on his chest , while i vented and went on and on about how much he meant to me . But the clock was ticking , and he had already left . 

i shut my eyes as much as i could. The emptiness in my chest would soon be filled with sorrow. 

"What are you still doing here?",  the voice from behind me spoke, it was my mom. She had been waiting outside the church for 5 minuets now . "we have to go sweetie" she bluntly states , turns and leaves. 

A tear makes its way down my cheeks , as i stare at the love of my life in the casket beneath me . The mirror that he was just looking at was across from me . My imagination could not take reality to the heart as much as i did . 

The smile of his was completely gone , not once did i think . Behind that smile was a home full of pain. behind the way he laughed was a scream of undeniable hurt. I wanted him to be strong , i should've known . i should have known. but i was so stuck on my life to notice that you were taking yours.