Big Bird goes to Meijer

big bird meets his dream girl and saves her from a gross pedo

(Big Bird's POV)

When I ascended down from my sky palace to be one with the humans, I realized something...

I'm hungry

And I need groceries

I used my admin commands to give myself infinite Robux and asked the nearest moody teen for directions.

(3rd Person POV)

"Excuse me, evolutionary mistake." Big Bird began. "Where is the nearest shopping center?" He did a curtsy.

She blew a bubble of her gum and flipped her dyed purple hair away from her gorgeous green eyes.

"We are literally in a fucking Meijer."

Big Bird looked around. He didn't even notice he followed her into a store.

"Oh. Well, thank you, fair maiden."

"Also buzz off, grandpa. You've been following me for 8 days straight."

Big Bird gazed at her freckles and purple hair. "What is your name, beautiful?"

She glared at him. "Whatever. It's Laura." (Yes, I drew Laura and her appearance is at the top of the story uwu)

"Lady Laura. I am your god, Big Bird. Will you take me to be your husband until the end of time?"

She looked at him and scanned his lower half. Long neck, plump belly full of naughty children, big feet, and gargantuan penis.

"Sure, why not. My stepdad won't miss me"

Big Bird became giddy but remembered his dilemma. He still needed groceries. "Laura, what did you come here to buy?" Asked the Biggest Bird.

"Condoms and my antidepressants. Why?"

"Because I have infinite money and a huge boner." The big bird answered. He also winked. Did I mention he winked? It was strange. Laura laughed. This was the first time he saw Laura smile. He winked again. People were staring now. His winks were too powerful. Like atomic bombs of love. Strange nobody was staring before. Big Bird decided not to think about it.

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They got a million dollars worth of Twinkies, Hot Pockets, Barbie DVD's, Liquid Doritos, condoms, gift cards, weed, Halloween costumes, anxiety meds, a wedding ring, cornbread,  a clip-on fan because Laura says she gets really hot when she sleeps, Big Bird's suit because he says it looked snazzy, and a singular toothbrush.

____________________________________________________________

"Hey, Big bird?" Laura looks at him. "Can, can I go to my house and grab my stuff?"

"Only if I escort you, my love."

"Ok whatever."

So Big Bird followed Laura to an apartment that reeked of Bud Light and Weed. She opened the door slowly and peeked inside.

"Coast is clear." She signaled. She originally planned to have Big Bird come in with her so they could have hot sex on her bed, but he was so tall he couldn't fit through the door.

There was a hallway that led into an area presumably the living room. The TV was on, but no sound was coming out. Big bird stuck his long head and neck through the doorway and saw what was on. It was an infomercial about a strange, wrinkly man selling something you pressed on with your hand to chop vegetables and nuts. He also specified you had to slap it. "Slap the nuts?" Big Bird said aloud, quietly. He snickered at what he said and was shushed by Laura, who was trying not to be seen by whoever was watching TV. She crawled behind the couch as to not cast a reflection into the TV screen. She must do this a lot.

"EY LAURIE, YO 'OME!" A fat greasy man with a Yorkshire accent boomed. When he spotted her she booked it to her room. " WHERE YOO GOIN', PRETTY LADY~" he jerked off. Big Bird wrinkled his large nose at the sight of such an ugly human. On the outside, and the inside. Speaking of ugly, the man spotted Big Bird and licked his lips. In his beard, there was a mix of vomit chunks, mac and cheese, and beer. "LAURA LEE, 'OO'S YO FRIEND?"

Big Bird was so angry that he smited Jacob right there. 

The pedo imploded immediately and Big Bird squeezed through the door to save his Finance. Laura's eyes were shut tight, and she was breathing heavily, but when Big Bird picked her up and she opened her eyes, it was like heaven came down to save her. "W-where is he?" She asked, bewildered.

"Dead. I sent him to a black hole 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles away from here. He can't hurt you anymore." He put her down and hugged her. "You're safe, my love. For now until forever."