ACT LIKE YOU LOVE ME

Chapter 8 - If I Lost You

"It's actually terrifying because

when you fall in love with someone

they now have this power y'know?

and you're like... i think i would die if i lost you."

(SM 2019)

She could tell Shawn was annoyed.  He was angry and he was trying not to show it.  She knew why, because she had been giving off the 'let's do it' signals and then when he asked her outright, she couldn't say it.  She wanted it, she really did, but the fear of losing him over it wouldn't allow her to say it.  She was so confused and tangled up inside, she just wanted to go home to bed and maybe even cry.  Because she was afraid by her actions she had done the very thing she was trying to avoid, she was pushing him away and ruining their friendship. 

"Shawn?"  He was staring straight ahead. 

"Yep?" his voice was tight and his jaw even tighter.

"Maybe we should have a little break, just for a few days, until the weekend maybe."

"Sounds like a good idea," he said flatly. 

She sat still and quiet for the rest of the drive home.  She couldn't even be angry back to him, because she thought he had good reason to feel like he did.  When they pulled up to her house she took off her seatbelt and turned toward hin.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.  "I just need time to think.  I'm so confused."

He let his head hang down.  "I know," he said without looking at her.  "And you're right, we've spent a lot of time together, and a lot of time doing things together we maybe shouldn't have been doing.  A break is a good idea."

"Doesn't mean we can't text or whatever."

"Of course not."

"OK, well, I'll see you.....maybe on the weekend or whatever?"

"Yeah, we'll talk during the week."

He jumped out and ran to open the door for her, helping her down.  She felt tears welling.  What was she doing?  She didn't want him to go home angry, she didn't want to not see him for a week, she didn't want to be friends without the benefits.  But she couldn't say any of that.  She stumbled, unable to see through her watery eyes, and he caught her arm and once she was righted he quickly let go.  Now they were all awkward with each other.  And it was her fault.

"Goodnight," she mumbled, to afraid if she looked at his face she'd just want to kiss it.  She ran inside, not looking back, and once in there she locked the door and then sank to the floor, putting her head on her knees and crying her heart out. 

***

Shawn watched her go inside and then got back into the Range Rover.  He wanted to run after her, make sure she was OK, kiss her, make love to her, tell her he.....  This thing had gone way too far.  He felt he was on the brink of losing her forever thanks to his stupid behaviour.  He put the car into gear and started driving home. He took the long way, not looking forward to going to his empty house.  Eventually, he drove in, parked the car and went upstairs.  He stood at the end of the bed, staring at it, but all he could see was camila curled up there, her leg flung out, her mouth parted in sleep.  He grabbed a blanket and went back downstairs.  He'd sleep on the couch tonight.  He needed penance for his bad behaviour and wicked thoughts.

The rest of the week dragged slowly.  He worked in the studio every day but he was having trouble putting his feelings into words, and it wasn't a productive time, with maybe one or two songs good enough to even be considered for the album.  Scott and Teddy knew him well enough not to broach the subject, and he was glad of the guest producers and musicians that popped in and out during this week.  He kept them there to all hours of the morning, sleeping there twice.  And he texted Camila.  They weren't flirty.  They weren't deep and meaningful.  They were just checking-in texts.  Then at night, wherever he slept, he dreamed of her.  Dreams that left him sad, or hopeful or frustrated and he didn't know which was worse.