FU(FUCK UP!)

Chapter 12

There were around a hundred people in the cemetery. Surprise, surprise, it was where Ely was buried too. She was just a few blocks away from him. I was dressed in a black spaghetti-strapped dress that ended before my knees. I wore a black Edwardian hat and black heels. Tobie put a coat over his black long sleeves. As we were nearing the tomb, he grabbed my arms and intertwined it with his. We walked silently to the closed white casket. It was a pretty burial, in all the right senses. People were wailing at one side. A priest was presiding over. The whole area was covered in white tent. Come to see the bigger picture, we were the only people dressed in black. Everyone else was in white.

"Amen." We both said as the priest was finished and the coffin was being let down. More wailing. I couldn't take it. I mean, it was partially my fault. Partially, huh, I thought. It was entirely my fault. If I didn't say the truth..if I just didn't.

I freed myself from Tobie's arms and walked over to Ely's. I sat down, not minding how awkward it would look. I could hear Tobie's footsteps behind. Are you happy now, Ely? I thought. How many lives will you fvck up? Or are you still fvcking up people in heaven? I mean hell. Our only fault was to love you. I felt warm streak of tears falling down. At that moment, Tobie tapped my shoulder and helped me up.

"There's nothing we can do now," he whispered. I lunged my face in his chest. He let me do that for a while. Then, he cupped my chin and forced me to look at him. I don't know what he was thinking. He was just staring into my eyes. Then he glanced at Ely's tomb as if to say, Look here, Ely. Then he inched closer and kissed my lips. I gave in.
 
05.12.10

I have avoided Tobie since the kiss. I cannot let someone else feel what I felt when Ely broke my heart. It's just unfair. He has been calling me since then.

"Hey, it's Tish. Leave a message. Toot"

"Tish, it's Tobie, are you there? --End of message"

"Hey, it's Tish. Leave a message. Toot"

"What's wrong? Are you avoiding me? What happened...it's not what you think it is. --End of message"

My voice mail nearly exploded til' this one:
"Hey, it's Tish. Leave a message. Toot"

"I'm coming ove----"

I picked up the phone.

"No you're not." I sounded authoritative.

"What's wrong Tish?"

"What's wrong? What's wronnnng?" I repeated for emphasis.

"Yes. What is? Ever since the ki--"

"Dont say it," I stopped him. "Don't you dare say it."

"Oh come on Tish, there's nothing wrong---"

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG?? NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT??" I shouted.

I hate jerks. And though I love this man, I hate his jerkiness.

"Yes." His voice was still calm but I could tell he was on the edge.

"YEEEESSSS?! ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN?!"

"Alright. Stop it. Tell me."

"YOU JERK. THAT KATIE GIRL DESERVES BETTER YOU DAMN BASTARD!" I put the phone down, almost slamming it. I was sweating. I was angry. I stand for all the woman who has been played with. I hate guys who do that. And yes, he is no exception.

He didn't call again. I dialed Jack. I am like this when I'm angry -- impulsive. He answered.

"Oh hey Tish, how have you been?"

"Oh hey Tish, how have you been?" I mocked him. "How do you think have I been?"

"Something wrong?" His voice was his usual. No sign of emotion.

"Don't something wrong me. I saw you kissing a girl downtown. You passed by me."

"Oh, that."

"Oh that what?"

"Was...that."

"That what was that was that?" No, don't tell me you don't have an excuse.

"I'm sorry Tish."

"DONT IM SORRY ME JACK. WHAT WAS THAT. TELL ME YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE. TELL ME."

"I'm sorry."

I put the phone down again. Strike two.
You know what hurts? When you want a reason because you've been telling yourself you're wrong but then you're right. Fate. Yes, fate. It fvcks you up.

I dressed in black and walked to the grocery. I got a cart and proceeded to the dairy section. I grabbed a Tillamook Vanilla Bean.

"Hey," some girl said. I thought she might be directing at me so I looked.

"Oh hey Katie," I smiled. Nice one fate, I thought.

"Vanilla Bean, my favorite," she said as she grabbed another one from the fridge. I caught a glimpse of her hand. No diamond ring.

"Mine too. How's Tobie?" I asked her, trying not to be too obvious.

"Oh," she looked at the floor then back at me.

"I didn't accept his proposal."

I looked at her intently as if waiting for a Haha, just kidding, I got you stunt. She was serious.

"What? Why--what happened? I mean, if you can tell."

"Well, let's just say...I know he's in love with someone else."
05.13.10

Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.

I let the busy tone go on for like 35 times. Tobie's phone must be off.

          To: Tobie 09**********
                    I'm sorry. I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?
                    I'm trying to reach your phone. Call me ASAP.

I don't know what to think of my situation right now. Jack's an ass. Tobie...oh, dear Tobie. How could he do that to Katie? I feel so guilty. I was on my 3rd shot of tequila when my phone rang. Unknown number.

"Hello?" I asked, quite groggy.

"TISH!! How are you?" The voice was unmistakable.

"Hey Gab. I think I'm fine."

"There's nothing fine when you think you're fine. Where are you?"

"In my suite." I haven't heard from him for a long time. The last time was when?

"Good I don't have to visit you in an asylum anymore." He laughed. Oh yes, that was the last time. "It has been a long time. We got to catch up."

"I think so too." But I really don't. I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. Yes, that includes you, best friend.

"I'd love to come over. SMS me your address."

"Okay," I told him blankly wondering if I would. "And oh, bring me lemons," I told him, figuring out that I will.

I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I jumped out of my sleeping lingerie and hopped into casual shorts and a white shirt. I arranged a few things here and there. On the side table was Ely's diary. I shoved it inside a drawer. It has been a long time since I've read it. And I don't think I ever want to read it again.

In a few moments, there was a knock on my door. A few more and Gab was there, handling me a plastic of lemons and giving me a long-time-no-see hug -- that hug that lifts you off the floor. It felt good to have some familiar skin.

"I assume there's something wrong?" He gave me a puzzled look. His hair was waxed. He was wearing a striped 3/4s and denim and black chucks. He's handsome, always has been.

"Why would you say that?" I said with a 100% tupperware (it's better than plastic) smile.

He lifted the plastic hanging from his hands, "Because of this." He looked towards the bed, "And that," he said pointing to the bottle of tequila.

"It's nothing," I told him timidly.

"Don't nothing me." He went straight to my kitchen, looked around, found a knife and sliced the lemons.

-----------------

We've gone through a bottle of tequila and a half. No chasers. No mixers. Just salt and lemon. I knew it had hit me because I was laughing my ass off. Gab, on the other hand, was only a bit red.

"Okay, so tell me," he had asked once between the shots. And I have told him everything.

He held my chin at one point and told me, "I love you."

I laughed. "I love you too," I told him in between chuckles.

"More than a best friend," He continued, looking serious.

I didn't say anything. I was staring back at him, giggling.

"Why don't you just take me instead? I---I broke up with my girl friend a few months ago. It has always been you. I can't take you being like this just because of jerks and jackasses. You deserve better. You deserve all the best."

I flinched, and laughed again. "Noooooo. Don't say that. Aw, come on!"

"I love you. And I will take care of you. I will. I promise. I won't cheat. I won't hurt you. I'd call you when you're not near me, I'd wonder where you are, I'd want to hear your voice first thing in the morning and last thing at night, I'd treat you to fancy restaurants and pull your chair, I'll open the car for you, I'll be your driver, your chauffeur, I'll hug you when you feel cold, I'll....I'll be everything you need."

Oh, damn, he was serious. But he lost me after I won't cheat. The next thing I knew, he was leaning forward, obviously mistaking my inattention for awe. I didn't know what to do.

I slapped him. "Don't," I said, suddenly vanishing the laughter.

"Why?" He asked, "I don't understand," He was hurt.

"You're my best frien---" I stopped when I saw the glow in his eyes. Oh, no. It's not what you think it is.

"I will always be your best friend, I'm willing to risk it."

"No, Gab."

"No, what? Let's take the chance."

"No, Gab. No. You're my best friend."

"Don't be scared, Tish."

"You're my best friend," I repeated, "Just my best friend," I added an emphasis on just.