broken days

Drifting

It feels like I'm suffocating.

Like there is this huge pressure on me.

I always have the feeling that everyone is judging me. When I'm just talking to someone who I know for sure of that they won't judge me I'll still have the feeling that they will. I can't help it.

The stress is fucked up too. I just know when i meet new people they aren't going to like me. I know I will do something that'll fuck things up.

You know that feeling when you feel like you got your shit together and think I'm just gonna fucking get this over with and everything is going to be alright and then suddenly boom this one thing happens and every fucking thing comes crashing down. And then everyday when you walk around places you feel eyes burning into you like everyone is judging you or laughing at you.  And i know that shouldn't be a big deal and that i just shouldn't give a fuck about those people but i still do and i can't fucking help it and that frustrates the fuck outta me.

I just want to be normal why the fuck can't i be normal

Another part of me really doesn't give a fuck about what's happening with me. I act like i don't have an opinion on anything and nothing bothers me. In school teachers just think I'm lazy, my parents do too.. it drives me crazy because even though I've already given up, a part of me still wants to get up and make something out of my life.

At this point I'm just drifting through the days and trying to make the best out of it. I've gotten more urges lately to hurt myself but i made some promises to certain people. Again there's this fight in my head going on about that. On one side i really want to do it and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. On the other end i don't want to dissapoint people. They told me they care and they want to help me but i know that are all lies and that it's just something to keep me quiet.

I did alot of things lately that i regret alot but they're all things i can't take back anymore. I'll just have to try to carry them with me and don't let them stop me from drifting and try to pull me down.

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I'm sorry for ranting but a friend told me once to write things down to help clear out my head but i don't know if it did or if it just made things worse.

~ stay strong ~