broken days

Drunk thoughts

After a couple of drinks I'm starting to feel numb. I don't feel anything and i just stare in the distance. The area around me feels like it's pressing down on me through this huge bubble that is surrounding me. I don't even know how to explain it. While time passes by, I'm starting to feel more emotions coming to me. It all just bottles up and i can't help it when it just hits me and my eyes start burning. I feel like nothing is right anymore and i just want to dissappear. Tears will slowly roll down my face and i will be this pathetic mess again.

It always happens when I'm drunk. I'll break down. Dissapoint people. Fuck things up. And the next day I'll regret everything I've done, said and thought. Well not everything I've thought but I'll regret the thoughts that I've said out loud.

People know things about me and god do i wish i could take those secrets back to where they were. Safe in my own head. Me, being the only one who knows about them.

God i wanna hurt myself so bad right now. But i know i shouldn't. The release will just feel so good and it will make me feel a thousand times better. The thoughts will go away and I'll have no more worries for a couple of minutes. The only thing i would have to do is focus on is the pain. Nothing else would come to my mind.

That's what i like about it though. It will just help to fade away all the thoughts, stress, worries and anxiety i have about everything.

But i shouldn't. I know i shouldn't.

Fucking hell can this constant battle in my head just shut the fuck up for a minute.

If i just wait till my dad goes to bed and i can get my stuff

No

I won't do it. I can't. I shouldn't. But i want to so bad.

Worst part is, I'm worrying bout my own crap while my grandad is in the hospital and something is wrong with him. It could mean the end and I'm being selfish again.

But i really don't want it to be the end of him because he's amazing. He always has this amazing stories to tell because he was a tour guide and went to alot of places.

I never said the words i love you out loud to anyone in my entire life but i really do love him and if something might happen i just want someone to tell him i said that because i don't have the balls to do it myself. I don't even know why i can't say it. My mom sometimes says it to me but i can't ever say it back and that kills me. I saw the tears in her eyes once and that just broke me.

When it might really be the end of him there's another thing I'm afraid of. Well actually I'm terrified. I'm scared my mom will start drinking again. I actually think she already did this night because she's alone with my aunt at my grand dad's house. I know my aunt drinks alot but she can handle herself. My mom just can't. I really don't want to write about that right know i might some day but I'll just say it aren't the best memories. My granddad actually helped me through one of those nights when my mom was drunk. That's another thing bout him, he will always be there for you if you call him up.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Tomorrow its new years and i really don't know how i feel bout that.

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Another rant because I'm drunk sorry

Stay strong x