Find Her, Fix Him

17 | Khan

17 | Khan

~LILO~

I am hot, and cold, and everything in between.

I am standing in the middle of a floor that is crowded with dancing, shrieking people, and there are colourful lights flashing in my vision and I am here, I am here, but I am also not. I am sitting on Matt's patio two summers ago, and he is braiding my hair as I read to him aloud from the book we were assigned to read in English called Wuthering Heights. He keeps having to restart my hair because he messes up, and I'm making fun of him for it. And now I am lying on Matt's bed beside him in my old Hannah Montana pyjamas, and we are eight years old, and we are watching cartoons and pretending to be the weird little characters. And now I am sitting on Matt's carpet two years ago, and we are doing our chemistry homework together, and he is turning to me out of nowhere and asking me to go out with him. I am laughing, but I am also crying. I never thought love was an actual thing anyone would feel for me, and I always thought Matt was way too cool to ever like me.

Every time I've ever spoken about Matt to anyone else, I've always said I love him. I can't remember if he ever said the same about me, but I don't think it really mattered to me at the time.

Kissing Matt in the middle of his floor tastes like fruit punch and Extra gum. It isn't like I remember kissing him. A lot of things change in two years.

I slip my hand out of his and step back, moving my face away from his. For some reason, the immediate way that I want to react is to cry, but I won't downgrade myself that low. Instead I stare at my feet, at those little silver shoes that Del lent me. Someone splashed beer on them earlier. I'll never be able to afford a dry-cleaner.

In a second, Matt's face is close to mine. His blue eyes are wide with concern, and his hands have found mine again. "Dilly- Lilo- are you alright? Did I do something? Didn't you want to- I thought you might want to-"

I take a deep breath, mulling over all the possible ways in which I could say the words that I want to. Then I say, "Matt, if you think that I'm the sort of girl who likes to be forgotten about for years and then kissed out of the blue, you don't know me as well as you think you do."

I've shocked him. I can see it in his face. His mouth is working silently, and as I watch him struggle to string together a reply I see him for the first time in years as he is. A sixteen-year-old boy, better looking than average, but just that- a boy. Not some amazing, god-like human being; not the promise of love and roses that I haven't even been able to admit to myself that I've been chasing.

Matt is kind. Matt is funny. And that's fine. He's a good person.

"Dilly," he begins, and then stops. He tries again. "Dilly- I'm really sorry. For everything. That you had to live the last two years alone... I'm sorry."

I force a smile. It's a wobbly attempt. He doesn't look convinced. "It's fine. Look- Matt. Do you...do you think you could give me some space? I need to breathe."

He steps back immediately, looking horrified at himself. "I really am sorry-"

"It's fine."

"Do you want me to get you some water? Something to eat- a lift home-"

"Matt. Matthias. I'm fine, honestly. I'm-"

Khan is kissing Caroline.

I didn't even know that it was him I was searching the crowd for. He is standing in a corner of the room, lights on his face flashing red and purple and green, and Caroline has her arms wound around his waist and their faces are together and she is kissing him, she is kissing him.