Saudade | ✓

breaking

     True to his words, Dean didn't contact me for two weeks. I got word from his mother who had called me to say that he was back at home. She also said he had been sober for two weeks. He was also seeing Dr. Dominguez, their family psychiatrist. I've never been more relieved, but I held myself back. I didn't ask to speak with him like his mother had suggested.

I believed the space would work to both our favor. I had busied myself with the girls. We had caught up for the two years worth of memories. We'd gone hiking, shopping, had some endless massages and day drinking as much as their schedules allowed.

I extended my three-week leave to two months. I haven't taken a vacation leave in a year. I couldn't be accompanied by Drew all the time, and I didn't have that many friends in the new airlines I worked at. I mostly kept to myself as much as I could. In the first year of working there, I had been much too miserable. In the second, my coworkers had learned to just leave me alone.

I'd been much too busy volunteering in soup kitchens when I could, reading unknown novels, exploring hole-in-the-wall coffee shops when I could or simply seeing my own therapist.

Though I would join for the occasional coffee and drinks, there hadn't been much bulk in our relationships, because I hadn't allowed it to.

A long leave means time alone with myself, and that would leave me with thoughts I couldn't run away from. Going back home hadn't been an option I had considered back then. But now I was here, and I figured, the time back home would help me heal. Confronting the very things I had been running away from would help me finally move past it all.

As for Dean.. I didn't know what to do with him. Getting him to promise therapy and sobriety so we could finally 'talk' was an impulsive decision. After all, what other explanation could he offer me when he had basically admitted to sleeping with Bridget so he could assess whether he still had feelings for her? It didn't matter that we were broken up. It was plain as day to me: He wasn't sure of me back then, what made me think he was sure of me now -- and he wasn't just pursuing me for convenience?

I wasn't going to let the progress I've made be ruined by one man who didn't know what the hell or who the hell he wanted. And though I wasn't close to being completely healed, I was on the road to it. I was proud of myself.

Drew had left for another business trip in Milan the morning after that incident with Dean. I was thankful too, because that propelled me to stop running away from my feelings and start facing my demons. He'd been my safety net for far too long. In his words, it was time "for the phoenix to rise from the ashes" and indeed it was.

The girls were supportive, especially my sister Lily whom I had already fixed things with. She apologized for interfering. She said she only had my best interests in mind. She thought by seeing him, that would mean forgiving him and finally setting him free.

I thought that way too. But turns out, it was more complicated than that. I had also told the girls the truth about what happened that night. I had broken down in the middle of Central Park - during a busy afternoon nonetheless while the girls soothed me.

"There now," Lily said, caressing my back. I sobbed a little bit more. "Cry it out, darling."

Vas gave me a sympathetic look. "It all makes sense now. Hell, if I were you, I would get a restraining order."

Kara's eyes went wide. "Vas! I'm sure that's a little extreme."

"He hurt our Annie," Vas said in disgust. "No wonder he would never talk about it. I mean, he didn't want our opinion of him to change. What a piece of shit."