Not All Just Roses

Confession

(Gracie's POV, Saturday morning......)

I was sitting in my bed reading a magazine, as I saw Qin enter the room. I didn't bother saying anything to him because I am still pretty upset with him about last night. "Grace, can we talk?" he said going to lay on his side of the bed. "Talk about what Qin?" I asked as I slammed the magazine down on my lap.

"About last night. Gracie, I know I messed up, and I just want to apologize for it," he said as he slid closer to me. "Qin, I know that you are going through a rough time right now, but you can't solve it by drinking your life away like that," I said as I stood from the bed. "I know, I will try and do better. Promise," he said as he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

I am still pretty upset with him about last night, but I have to cut some slack because his parents did just die a few days ago. So, I guess I can let this one slide for now. "Okay, I forgive you, Qin. Please don't let it happen again. Okay?" I asked wrapping my arms around his neck. "I promise I will keep working on myself," he said as he placed his soft lips onto mines.

******(2 weeks later)*****

It's been two weeks since that incident with Qin took place. So far, he has been doing pretty well with drinking. The only problem is that we have been arguing non-stop lately. Let's just hope that it will end soon.

I was in the living room playing Legos with Marko, Masen, and Mea when I heard someone banging hard on the door. I thought to myself 'who is banging on a black nigga door like that?'. I looked out the peephole to see who it was and saw Qin on the other side. I opened the door before I was hit with a smell of alcohol.

I quickly pushed Qin back outside so the kids won't see him like this. "Kids, can you take your toys and go to your playroom for me?" I asked politely. They didn't ask any questions and went straight to their playroom. When I heard them run into their playroom, I slowly let Qin in. "Are you fucken serious Qin? The kids were right here. What if they saw you like this?" I asked as Qin dropped himself onto the couch. "What are you talking bout G? I am fine he said with a slur in his words.

"Qin, why are yo-" I started to say before I heard footsteps coming toward the living room. "Mommy, I forgot my-" Mea started to speak before she saw her father. Qin looked at Mea and she looked as if she has just seen a ghost. "Daddy, are you okay?" she asked being the confused 4-year-old she is. "Daddy's fine Mea, just a little tired," he said while leaning over the couch armrest. "Alright but I just came to get my blanket," she said before grabbing it and running back upstairs.

"Qin, what is going on? Why are you day drinking?" I asked as I stood in front of him while he sat on the couch. "Look, there's no point in me telling you because you wouldn't understand," he said as he leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "Qin, if you think I won't understand, make me understand," I said getting into his face.

"There's not going to be a point in me saying anything," he said as he leaned back. "Why? Tell me why you think I won't understand. Do you think that I going to judge you?" I asked almost at a scream. "No, I don't think you're going to judge me," he said matching my tone and standing up to go upstairs. "Then what is Qin?" I asked following him.

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME AND NOT THEM," he yelled as he turned around. I took a minute to prosses what he has just told me.

Did he just say that it was supposed to be him dead instead of his parents?

"Qin, what are you saying?" I asked as I crossed my arms and looked at him in his eyes. "It was supposed to be who died instead of them. There I said it. You happy now?" he asked as he threw his arms in the air and went back into the living room to sit on the couch.

"Qin, why are you saying something like that?" I asked as I sat next to him. He took in a deep breath before he started to talk. "I always told myself that it will be who goes first before anyone else. I wanted to be the one to die first because if I did die first, then maybe I wouldn't be going through this depressing stage right now," he said as he leaned back onto the couch with his hands together with tears falling down his face.

I put one of my hands on the back of his neck and started to rub it. "Why haven't you told me about how you were feeling?" I asked still trying to comfort him. "I just didn't think you would understand and that you would judge me for it because I'm being weak," he said while looking at his hands.

"Qin, you think I would judge you for feeling this type of way? I don't. And you think that this is a form of weakness? This, this right here, is you being strong. For me, the kids, and for yourself," I said as I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Ya, daddy. You're the strongest man I know, even if you cry, you're still my superhero," we heard Marko say as all three of the kids came down. "Thank you, Marko," Qin said as he got on one knee to give all three of them a hug.

I stood up and rubbed his back trying to get his attention. Qin turned around, stood up then looked at me. "Qin, I think it's time for us to have counseling. Not just you, but for us.  As a married couple," I said as I looked into his eyes. Qin stopped to think for a minute before he gave me an answer.

"Ya, I think so too,"

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