Just Bein' Gay

Chapter 4

I think this one is the shortest yet SORRY!

Time for a flashback! We have to travel all the way back to the day I sent that dreaded message to Jacob. I asked him out over Facebook and, believe it or not, I was still on after almost an hour. Let's just say, I was a little bit of a social media freak back then!

Anyways, I had a friend named Thomas and, over the past couple of weeks, I had noticed a drastic change in his actions around me. And, on that evening, less than an hour after talking to Jacob, Thomas messaged me. He went on and on about how much he wanted to date me. I was about to answer positively when it hit me. JACOB!!

I knew I couldn't lose this relationship that I had built for someone that I wasn't really attracted to. But, at the same time, I couldn't say no. I was just not confident enough to utter that word to such an extreme question. I could only do what I thought was fair to Thomas and to Jacob. All I could do was assure him that after Jacob and I were over, he would have his chance with me.

And, so, since I am a woman of my promise, I was Thomas's for the next four months. As time progressed, I became more and more terrified of going to lunch because I knew that HE would be there. It wasn't that he wasn't attractive or funny, it was that, in my mind, my heart would never ever be his. Basically, I didn't want to be in the relationship PERIOD!!

I was in the relationship for a mere 4 months. I was miserable up to the very last second we were together. I think the main reason I agreed to the relationship was the reason any human being does. To be loved. I craved love from another person. Not the kind that your mom or dad gives you, the kind that keeps you up at night. The kind that makes the rest of the world seem like nothing. The kind of love that can only come from a relationship.

I was not only hungry for affection but I craved some form of indirect help. Why? Well, those feelings I discussed before, they were back and oh did they come back strong. I needed help from Thomas or any other male to keep those feelings for girls out of my mind. I didn't want to accept myself being Gay. It just wasn't that easy!