Incandescent

Chapter 20

Khushi lay with her legs curled up beneath her as she spoke on the phone with Payal.

"You can't seriously mean to not come to my wedding," Payal said from the other end of the phone, the frown on her face showing through her voice.

"Payal, you know I have to be in Kolkatta in 2 days. My project begins next week and I need time to get adjusted in my new hostel and stuff—

"But it's my wedding! And it's this weekend. I'll book you on a flight to Kolkatta immediately after the reception. You can be there in what 2 hours?" Payal said.

Khushi sighed and Payal continued, her voice barely hiding the irritation she felt. "You know what? It's not about what's possible and what's not. It's about the intent. Are you sure you're not coming only because of your studies?"

"What else could it be?"

"I don't know. You tell me. I don't want to think you're avoiding my wedding to avoid Arnav. So say it is not so."

"Payal.."

Khushi didn't know what to say. Payal would see right through her. She had never been able to lie, especially not to this woman. In fact she had never even had to tell Payal about herself and Arnav when they first got together. Payal had just known.

She still remembered the day.

They had been working on her outfit for an event in Payal's cabin. Payal had been trying to wrap a saree around her in an unconventional sort of way and Khushi had been standing in just her barely there blouse and inner skirt. They had been conversing casually when the the door opened suddenly and Arnav walked in. None of them had blinked. Arnav had scanned her from top to toe, his gaze a gentle caress and Khushi had belatedly remembered her state of partial undress and turned around covering herself. All this happened in a matter of seconds but when Arnav had excused himself, Payal had simply asked, "How long?" Her voice incredulous.

When Khushi had blinked in response, she had said, "Come on, Khushi. It took you months to actually get used to standing like you were in front of me. Yet Arnav walks in and you don't even bat an eyelid! You were so calm."

What could she have said to that?

Khushi almost smiled at the memory. Just remembering his look made heat rise up her cheeks. She had to stop doing this. How will she go on living if she didn't stop thinking about these little moments.

"Khushi you are not being yourself. You are sad and you don't—

"Payal, stop. I will not be one of those girls who wallow in sorrow because of some guy. I already decided I am not going to let it affect me and my decisions. So..."

"Khushi you are so high on these dialogues and yet you are letting him do this to you. I am happy about you moving on and going to Kolkatta and all. But I hate it that you are letting him affect your decisions even if you say otherwise. I can't think of any other reason why you'd avoid my wedding. I don't want you hurt but you are hurting me now."

"Payal I booked my train tickets for this Friday. I really needed the time to get adjusted. See, I wish you and Aakash the very best. And I'll meet you guys soon. You know I love you, right?"

Payal didn't answer and Khushi added as an afterthought, "And I'm not sad."

But she was sad, and they both knew it, no matter how hard she tried to conceal her feelings. In the days since she'd returned home, she'd been sad.

"If you say so," Payal said before putting the phone down.

Payal was angry. And rightfully so. She had promised her parents that she would get everything together and going to that wedding would only make everything she had worked on come apart. He had the ability to do that to her and she just didn't have the courage to go through all of it again. Her tears had dried and her life had taken a normal course but nothing she ever did changed the love she felt for him. Because beneath the facade she put on, she knew, lay hurt, a hurt beyond describing.