Drowning : Troyler AU

Chapter 12 - Reality

*Tyler's POV*

My lips were still tingling, as if they could still feel Troye's lips on mine. It had been a few minutes, or seconds. To be honest, it was hard to tell. Time was passing as if all at once, it was all too quick for me to take in but then every now and then, Troye would brush his fingers over the back of my hand and it would be as if time stood still. Every second with him was precious. I was completely in this moment with him.

We had decided to go back and sit with the other that were once again congregated around the fire. The conversation washed over me, I laughed, joked with my friends but all I could think about was Troye. The conversation went on auto pilot as I would lose myself in thought.

How long has he felt this way? When did he develop feelings for me? Does he have feelings for me at all? What if this was all just a hook up, that's all. For a moment I seriously consider this, what if he isn't interested? Concern floods through me. I don't know if I could handle that, now that I've had a taste of Troye, what it's like to be close to him like this, I don't think I could handle not having it. Troye interlocks his fingers with mine and begins to stroke the back of my hand with his thumb. As he does so he completely banishes that thought. The ways he holds me, his gentleness and compassion seep into every move, every word, how could I think that kiss was anything but genuine.

Everything is quiet now. Everything is dim. Everything but him. I can feel his breath hitting the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine each and every time. He holds me and I lean back into him, knowing that he will be there to support me. The rest of the night, we barely talk. Odd for us, who usually talk three thousand miles a minute. But we have no need.

Instead we communicate in movements. He puts an arm around my shoulder, I nuzzle my face into his neck, placing a gentle kiss on his collarbone. He runs his fingers through my hair, I let out a gentle hum of approval.

Movement by movement, silent word, by silent word we move in together. We move closer still until there is no room between us.

We breathe in. We breathe out. Perfect harmony.

We haven't spoken in an hour.

There's no need.

I've never been happier.

Never more content.

I just breathe him in.

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THE NEXT MORNING

Troye.

He is all I can think about this morning. From the moment I woke up I was smiling to myself, rolling around in bed like a happy caterpillar. I remember how his soft lips felt against mine and happiness flows over me.  I end up giggling to myself. Incapable of believing how lucky I am to call him mine.

I decided that I can't go the whole of today without seeing him so I decided to send him a good morning text, hoping to coherse him into coming round for a movie date. Or just coming around to cuddle and make out while a movie plays unnoticed in the background. My mum works all day Sunday so we'll have plenty of alone time. Alone time which is desperately needed after last night. We kept things PG-13 for my friends but I would love to get that boy alone.

To : My-Troye-Boy

Good Morning Babe. How did you sleep?

If I'm going to see my Troye today I better look cute! I bounce out of bed and rush over to my mirror, hoping to gauge the amount of damage done by the drinking last night. The bags under my eyes are slightly darker than usual but to be honest, I'm kind of glowing. I just look so happy. Happier than I can ever remember being this early in the morning.

Hmmph I grunt "The things that boy does to me."

I grab the stash of asprin I keep next to my bed and take two hoping to completely squash this dull headache before it gets any worse. Making sure to drink lots of water as it goes down.

I walk over the other side of the bed, grab my phone, hoping to see  text from Troye. It says seen 9:02am. That was 5 minutes ago. I don't think too much of it and decide to shoot him another text. Maybe he got distracted or something.

To: My-Troye-Boy

Hey babe. I was hoping to see you today, you in?

After 2 minutes with no reply, I decided to jump in the shower real quick. If he wants to come over right away I should be ready.

I race through the shower throw a towel on and practically sprint to my phone. I didn't want to leave Troye waiting. Bit pathetic I know. But what can I say, I miss him! I'm allowed.

No text. Just a seen message. at 9:10. 15 minutes ago.

Now I'm starting to worry. He's seen two of my texts.

I think to myself my it really isn't anything to be concerned about.

*Troye's POV*

I woke up to nightmares, dreams, thoughts, all telling me that I am worthless.

I am worthless.

No one cares about me.

Why should they.

I am too thin, you can see my bones.

I look down at my bare chest. Taking in the exposed skin. The pale sickening looking skin pokes out from my torso, digs out of my skin. Looking as though it wants to pierce through the wafer thin translucent shield that protects my inner self from the harsh outside world. The only thing holding me together. I'm afraid it will all spill out and show the real me, disgusting. Who am I kidding? I doesn't do a very good job of hiding how repulsive I am.

How could anyone want me like this?

I will never have anyone to want me.

I know I shouldn't need anyone to want me, but I do. And thinking that I don't need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful is just a lie. And I can't lie to myself now. Not when I'm like this. Not at 6 in the morning. Not when my sheets are tear stained and I'm tired and there's no pretense anymore. I don't have to put on a fake smile for anyone and I can't put on any fake thoughts.

Sometimes if even just for a second, I can force myself to think that I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm beautiful. That I am beautiful. I can force myself to think that I am okay. I can put on fake thoughts like I can put a fake smile, until everyone including myself starts to me believe them.

"But it's 6 o'clock ... and I am so TIRED." Troye whispers aloud, tears streaming down in face.

I just want to feel okay. Not, not great, just mediocre... only average.

"Is that so much to ask?" Troye utters to the universe as though it will answer.

Troye hugs himself tight. Knees brought to his chest. Arms clasped around in body so tightly in begins to hurt. Leaving small bruises where his fingers dug into his shoulders. He places his head down softly of his knees. Just letting it rest there, just letting the tears flow. Tear after silent tear flood the room. He spends hours just sitting here, crying, not wanting to draw attention to himself. Not wanting to do much of anything really.

All he can think is, this is my reality. The fantasy of Tyler, someone, actually caring about me, is just that a fantasy. This is it, this is my real life.

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A/N :

Sorry if this chapter was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster but I wanted to show how different the characters headspaces are right now. I really want to show the reality of depression through Troye's POV and the truth is you don't suddenly become less depressed because of a love interest, depression isn't that temporary.

Also I know I have been gone for like 3 months. That is a crazy long amount of time. I just sort of passed me by without me noticing and them, well, here we are. So sorry.

GO CHECK OUT @TheSugarcubeSaga cause all her stories have you emotionally invested from like chapter one. My personal fave is Well, That Happened but their all fucking fantastic and she has like 5 completed Troyler stories. Do yourself a favor. I even dedicated this chap to her so she's nice and easy to find.