Drowning : Troyler AU

Chapter Seven - Breathe

*Troye's POV*

I open my eyes.

It's chaos.

What's going on.

My eyes dart around the room. I try to slow them down but they won't. It feels like my whole world is spinning.

I can't process what's going on. I don't understand what's happening. My lungs are stinging. It's like they've been set on fire. Am I breathing. NO.

Breathe.

.....

Nothing, I didn't breathe.

BREATHE.

.....

Nothing, I don't even think I can move.

BREATHE! FOR FUCKS SAKE!

I breathe in the air and feel an instant relief from the stinging but the air doesn't feel like air in my lungs. It feels heavy and too hot. Suddenly the air that had been my savior seconds ago feels like lava and it's burning me from the inside, out.

Everything is spinning it won't stop. I need this to slow down.

I shut my eyes hoping to block out the world. I need to escape from this. I can't face it. 

It's a little better.

Gaining some courage I breathe in again. The air burns. It's too hot, too heavy. I regret it instantly.

Breathe in.

...

Breathe out.

...

Breathe in.

...

Breathe out.

...

Breathe in.

...

Breathe out.

...

I know this feeling. I'm panicking. I never remember what it feels like until I can't breathe, can't think, can't see. Until the air burns and I'm too afraid to open my eyes.

I just need to calm down.

There's nothing I can do. I just have to breathe.

Breathe.

I'm crying now, drowning in a sea of tears, sputtering and coughing, jut trying to pull myself together.

I'm crying for everything and for no reason at all. I'm crying because it hurts, life hurts.

.........................................................................................................................

There's no worse way to start your morning than a panic attack. It leaves me so emotional all day. I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and wait for a better tomorrow.

But I can't. It's a school day.

So I put on my brave face. I walk over to the mirror, fixing my hair. It just won't sit right today. I try to give myself a reassuring smile, a you can do this smile. I look like I'm going to burst out in tears. I can see my smile falter and the dead, empty look in my eyes. If I can't even convince myself, how the hell am I suppose to convince Tyler?

He can never know about this side of me. Even I hate this side of me. I hate everything about how weak I am. I want to be strong and tough and happy... but instead I'm weak and pathetic and well...me.

Stop it.

You don't have time for this. You only have 20 minutes until your first class. Until you see Tyler. You need to pull yourself together. You need to stop letting your lip quiver. You need to stop looking so pathetic. You need to be funny and charming. You need to be anything other than yourself just for an hour.

That's all. Just an hour.

"I can do an hour." I whispered shakily.

I grabbed my bag and headed to my car. I turned the stereo up as loud as it would go trying to drown out my thoughts. I opted for Lorde. Sad and depressing, I'm aware but this isn't the sort of day to pump Nick Minaj. I allowed myself to drown in the sounds of her rhythmic melancholia until I reached the parking lot.

I glance over to the rear view mirror catching my reflection. Okay Troye. One hour. Time to put your brave face on. I force myself to smile until it reaches my eyes, until when looking straight into my reflection, right into my own eyes I see a different boy; one whose happy. He looks so strange, so little like me.

I force myself to hold that face. I get out of the car and walk into the sea of people, directly to class. I don't look at anyone. I can't afford to see their judgmental eyes. All I can think is.

You're disgusting.

You're horrible.

You're not worth it.

You're nothing.

But I'm smiling and no one can see how I really feel.

Without noticing I had made it to class, I had managed it. I was almost proud for a second until I realized Tyler wasn't here yet. Why isn't he here? Why? I need him. I need him to make me feel a little bit better. I can't do this without him. I can't pretend to be happy all day without him. Not when it hurts this much.

I hadn't planned on this. I didn't even know I needed him to be here until now. I mean were not even that close, you don't need this boy to cheer you up. You don't need him to put a smile on your face. I knew I was lying to myself even as I thought it. I can't get through this day without him. What am I going to do?

"LATER ZOE!"

Oh Ty...thankgod. Instantly I can feel my smile growing and changing, stretching into my real smile, my Tyler smile. Relief flooded over me I was going to have to face this day alone. I knew I could do it now with him here. I could be happy, well less devastatingly sad.

He looks amazing today, his lilac hair formed into a perfect quiff, that I had tried listlessly to achieve all morning.

"Hey Troye" Tyler beamed, practically skipping over to me. He just emanated and aura of happiness and it was already rubbing off on me. I could feel the urge to burst out in tears slipping away.

"Tyler" I nodded to him cordially. He of course assumed I was being silly, when the truth was this was the most excited response I could muster. In return he curtsied in the most flourished manner possible before saying in the worst English accent I have ever heard "Good Sir".

I laugh slipped out my lips. I'm not even sure where it came from but it didn't feel forced and dry. It felt light and genuine. But he was just so, Tyler. So happy, it was impossible not to be happy in return.

So I was.

By the end of the class, I really wasn't sad anymore. Instead I was filled with this light, bubbly feeling. It felt like I was laughing on the inside.

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A/N:

Soz about the smaller chapter but on the plus side I'm going to have another chapter up this weekend. so YAY.

I dedicate this chapter to @JanoMyLove because she's the one person who can make me smile when all I want to do is cry. I love you, like alot. Just saying. Go check her out. Her fanfic is wonderful.

Also I've said it before and I will say it again, read Freak by @MelancholyMango it is literally perfection and you need it in your life.