Drowning : Troyler AU

Chapter Two - Blush

*Troye's POV*

Clearly he was messing with me Tyler fucking Oakley does not just wink at you. You must have done something wrong. There is no way in hell you are worthy of that. But my god when he did wink at me - is amazing, indescribably good. Like butterflies flittering around my stomach at a million miles a hour good. Of course after smiling like an idiot for a good five minutes it only then occurred to me that he was mocking the ridiculous smile I had plastered across my face.

I can't believe I embarrassed myself like that in front of him.

I managed to stare at him for months, years even, without him noticing me in the slightest. That being said I was totally James Bond-ing it, without the sexy part. Sneaking peeks in crowded halls. Letting my eyes wander 'aimlessly' towards him in the cafeteria. I was good at hiding my attraction towards him as to stay unnoticed. I was so good at it I went unnoticed by the whole school, not just him.

I had been counting down the seconds until I could leave that horrible classroom. After humiliating myself by thinking that Tyler Oakley might actually be interested in me an hour has never gone slower.  When that bell rang I practically sprinted out of the room.

I moved slowly once I had turned the corner hoping not to attract any further attention to myself today. Reciting my inner mantra as I walked. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. So that how I ended up here. Spending lunch in a bathroom stall. I didn't want to face the possibility of bumping into him in the cafeteria, because knowing my luck after two years never having made eye contact today would be the day to continually embarrass myself in his presence.

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I finally got home. I don't know how I made it through the day. It was honestly hell. I don't know how I make it through any day to be completely honest. I love tumblr. It is my life. I have multiple secret accounts. I say secret but no one has ever asked me for my url, not that id give it to them if they did, it would just be nice if someone wanted it. I could never show it to anyone. Its practically just a porn site for me with a few jokes thrown in. Its all good looking naked men and their finely sculpted asses. Everyone online knows that I am gay so why is it that I can't tell anyone I know.

The only people who I really want to tell are the ones I am so afraid to. i can't imagine my parents not loving me anymore if I tell them. but its hard to know for sure. There is always that what if. What is they hate me? What if they kick me out? What if they never talk to me again? What if I am left alone? I don't think I could handle that. I really don't. That would be it for me. I feel as though my Dad, Shaun, already knows. Every now and then, he'll look at me with such love and comfort in his eyes and ask me what's going on in my life and if I have anything to tell him. I never do. I never tell him.

I'm just so pathetic.

My thoughts drift back to earlier today and how Tyler had been looking at me. How he had winked at me. How I was filled with the fuzzy feeling. With happiness. I can't remember the last time I felt really happy. It's strange, foreign to me.

I look down and realise, I'm smiling again. How does he have this affect on me. he has me smiling to myself alone in my room. All because he was making fun of me. Playing some sort of cruel joke that he's going to play out at a later date.

But what if it wasn't that.

What if he was actually interested in me. What if he's gay. I mean I'm definitely attracted to him. But even if he was interested he'd only want me for sex. That's all anyone ever wants right? No ones ever been attracted to me before so I don't know how this would work.