Accidentally On Purpose [InoAoi]

Lullabies

***

He was by the door when she returned home. A bowl of egg on rice on one hand and chopsticks on the other. She didn't bother to look his way, she just threw a plastic bag infront of him it's soft thump dropping on the floor and her footsteps when she sat next to him is drowning the silence.

"I see you're eating pig food." She stated with that same tone when she's all so sure of herself. So when he didn't reply, she just took the bowl by force threw the contents into the sink and shoved the plastic bag into his arms.

"I worked hard on that you know." He muttered briefly looking at her with furrowed eyebrows and ate the meat cutlet she bought.

"So?" She asked expectantly looking at him with those big blue eyes of her. "What happened?" He doesn't know if he should tell her. What good would that do? It wouldn't miraculously clear the baggage of regret and self hate he's been carrying. Nothing would change.

Because he knows and she also knows that it never stops hurting. You just get used to the pain. You make room for it.

And so he doesn't understand why she's looking at him like she expects him to tell her about his own demons. Because certainly, she has her own monsters too. They both know that hell is inside their heads. There's no stopping it.

He sighed, they can both read each other so well it's scaring him. Maybe because now, he expects her to stay. No, he wants her to stay.

"I saw her." He mumbled looking down om his feet. He could feel his heart start to race again and his throat suddenly went dry. The memory is all too powerful, he can't force himself to forget.

He could feel her gaze shift from him, as she hummed urging him to continue. And so he did.

He explained every detail. Every word that made him tremble as he clenched his fist trying to regain his composure. He thought after a few months of solitude he'll finally be better, but he's getting worse. He fucked everything up and ran, he couldn't face anything or anyone at that time. Now looking back at it, did he expect someone to reach oit to him and pull him out of this madness? Maybe yes or maybe not, he couldn't tell.

"I figured as much." She claimed and he shot his head back up to look at her. His mind is in a frenzy, his heart continuing to beat erratically.

"So you knew?" He stood up, fists clenched to his side as he squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to get rid of the tears the were starting to spill.

He couldn't look at her. And his mind couldn't conjure what kind of expression she was making.

"You fucking knew that I was gonna have a damn mental break down? So you wanted me to go out and face everything?" He asked his voice hoarse and starting to get louder, he couldn't believe this.

"No—" He cut her off before she could even spat some bullshit to defend herself. He didn't needed what he wanted to hear. He needs the truth.

"We're you trying to help me?" He asked taking a step towards her, "Did you think that would help me?!" He asked louder and she finally snapped at him, "I wasn't fucking trying to help you! I know you don't need my pity."

Liar. That's what she's saying to make him feel better. To assure him that he doesn't look pathetically hopeless.

"Well what were you trying to do?!" He screamed at her, anger mixed with sadness painted on his face. "Tell me what you were trying to do!!" In contrast to earlier, he feels everything now. His face warm and reddening in fury, his veins popping on his forehead as the strength of his grasp broke the chopsticks he was holding.

"I was trying to fix you!!" She cried and he looked at the ceiling, because he knows she's fucking crying and he can handle all her mood swings but when he sees tears in her eyes, he can't even handle himself.

"You tried fixing me," He breathed out, in a calmer manner he didn't know he possessed. "But you ended up breaking me anyways." He momentarily looked at her, his face blank. He caught a glimpse of her beautiful sapphire eyes reflected grief as tears constantly wet her cheeks, her lips quivering as she bit is hard enough to draw blood.

And it's fucking funny how his chest tightens in just one glimpse.

He needed to get this over with.

"I fucking hate you Kanzaki Aoi. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that." He stated, making sure his voice wasn't trembling and he dropped every word with venom. Looks like he got a good use for her name after all.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." She sobbed taking a step back as her back was met with the door.

"Leave. We can't keep pretending we're not on a road to destruction, it's long overdue." He gestured at the door as she muttered 'no', her voice breaking with both of their hearts.

"No. Please don't. Give me a chance." She managed to plead out in between sobs. "Don't rip my heart out." She begged. She doesn't even consider he's ripping his own heart apart with this too.

"Leave. Don't wait at the door for me to come for you. I won't."

And so with a whole moment of silence and cries with both of them just standing there not able to move a muscle. It feels like it still doesn't dawn on them both. That he's telling her to leave after spending three whole weeks with him.

That she wouldn't be obligated to cook breakfast for the both of them, she won't force him out of bed or constantly nag him, she wouldn't clean the living room and wash the dishes. Lastly, she won't leave for work and return home. She won't ever return home. To him.

And his breath hitched once more as his grip tightened. So when she went to leave out of the door, her head down he really wanted to grab her wrist and force her to turn her head up, because looking so weak and defeated never suited her.

But the last sound was her light footsteps gradually subside and the sound of the door closing.

And what he last saw was his hand weakly reaching out to her back until he couldn't see her anymore.

He thought that when she leaves he'll finally remember how to breath. But as it turns out it gets harder to. And so he let his arm fall to his side.

***

Author's Not: This is too much angst for one chapter, and the next chapter would likely be angsty as well. What did I get myself into? Feels like this angst is kinda forced, though. Oh well.