pie in the sky // JENLISA

Chapter 9

Josh follows through on his promise to take Jennie shopping for baby things that weekend. Jennie is surprised and hopeful that he might start making an effort now and then. But rather than drive to Mobile or even North Hatch to a specialty baby store, he takes her to yard sales, haggling with sellers over every item. When they've got everything they need - crib, high chair, changing table, diaper pail, stroller - they've still got hundreds of dollars left. Jennie suggests they go to a store to buy a carseat, since they have to buy that new, and save the rest for diapers and formula and in case she needs a breast pump. Josh just chuckles and pockets the money, returning home later that afternoon with a new video camera and some porn.

"You bought porn with the baby money?" Jennie asks. She feels blank, but heavier with each disappointment.

"Just til you're all healed up. Then maybe we can make a few nasty tapes with this," he says with a wink, gesturing to the video camera.

"Did you get a carseat?"

"I didn't know which kind to get. There was one that looked kinda like a racecar, but it didn't look right for like, a little tiny baby. We can get that later."

Jennie stares at him blankly. "We won't be able to bring it home from the hospital without a carseat."

Josh flicks his hand in the air dismissively. "They won't know."

Jennie stares at him a moment longer, wondering if there is any end to his stupidity. She's so heavy now, she doesn't think her legs can hold her up. She goes into the bedroom and lies down. She's too tired to even cry. The heaviness of her body, the invisible chains that bind her to Josh have crushed her spirit.

It's four in the afternoon but she doesn't get up until late the next morning. She skips her shift at the diner. It feels pointless. She doesn't shower or dress until late afternoon, and then only because she has an appointment with Lisa.

Jennie lays on her side on the exam table, listless. She is so much heavier than she's ever felt. Not just in her belly. Her arms and legs and head.

But most of all her heart. She thinks it might be made of lead.

This is the heaviness that comes with completely losing hope.

She hears Lisa's soft rapping on the door before it swings open. She doesn't even look behind her, but she feels one last thread of fight snap within her.

Lisa's voice is soft and careful when she speaks.

"How are you feeling, Jennie?"

Jennie stares blankly at the pregnancy diagram on the wall.

"I'm sorry," Lisa murmurs in the absence of Jennie's response.

Lisa's hand wraps delicately around Jennie's elbow, lifting the limb up, sliding the blood pressure cuff around her bicep. She pulls her stethoscope into her ears and begins pumping the cuff up, holding the cool round of the stethoscope in the crook of Jennie's elbow.

Jennie feels the squeeze around her arm and also in her torso. The little pinpricks of discomfort start and she feels tension building in her stomach. When Lisa releases the cuff, Jennie exhales what feels like her last breath. When she speaks, her words are soggy. "I hate my husband so much."

Lisa's hands still for a moment, then pull the cuff off, the loud scrape of the velcro echoing through Jennie as a tear falls down her cheek onto the paper-covered pillow under her head.

Lisa walks around the exam table, kneeling by Jennie's face. She wipes the tear away, looking as though she might cry herself. Her thumbs stroke over Jennie's temples over and over, wiping away wetness, until Jennie feels like she might die from the tenderness of it.