Do you know how it feels to live in a four-cornered wall, yearning for productivity but constrained by community rules that keep you from enjoying your freedom?
Lockdown Burnout
A 2020 pandemic-inspired story.
written by: simplestabBer
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chapter 01 : how are you?
Grayser
Do you know how it sucks to live in a four-cornered wall, living with hypocrisy and everyone's thinking you enjoy every minute while chilling out, watching tons of movies and series, or reading books every day?
I know for someone who almost has everything and is so lucky to have wifi connections, unlimited food, a Netflix subscription, and all, I should be thankful more than most of the teenagers out there. Having a comfy bed, a shelf of books, and even a Milktea shop beside our house really satisfies my introverted self.
But who am I kidding? I'm no longer enjoying these things as the days pass by. Summer vacations, country living, and fresh air were all I'm longing for. It really sucks to know that we still can't be able to go outside and gather inspiration. How I wish I'm older enough to go out without any restrictions.
Napasinghap ako at saka muling bumago ng pwesto sa pagkakahiga. I've been troubled sleeping these past few days. Sa totoo lang, natatakot ako sa mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Pakiramdam ko habang tumatagal ang quarantine period, wala na akong nagagawang tama at hindi ko na nama-maximize ang teenage years ko. For God's sake, this is my last year as a teenager. Few more months, goodbye teenage na ako and hello adulting. I really don't want to face that life era yet. I'm still not ready to face damn responsibilities and all.
It's already 2 am. Hindi pa rin ako makatulog kaiisip ng kung ano-anong mga bagay. Minsan naiisip ko, normal pa ba 'to? I feel like, I have something to release within myself pero hindi ko magawa dahil may pumipigil sa akin. And I always blame the quarantine for giving me so many thoughts every night.
Dahil hindi ko rin naman magawang makatulog kahit anong gawin ko, umupo na lamang ako at sinuklay ang mahaba kong buhok gamit ang mga daliri ko. Nakakainis lang. Bakit 'yung iba, mas nakakatulog pa nang mahimbing sa banig at matitigas na higaan habang akong mayroong malambot at komportableng kama, hindi makatulog nang maayos?
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman talaga gusto ang lahat ng ito. All I want is freedom since then. Pero ngayon, literal na kalayaan ang gusto kong makamit. I even want to meet my old friends and feel the old vibe when we were still in High School. I hate to admit, but College life really sucks. Adulthood was just so shitty.
It's been three months since the last time I got news from them. Magkakaiba na kaming lahat ng pinapasukang eskwelahan pero hindi ko pa rin maitatanggi na kahit saang klase ako mapadpad ngayong panibagong yugto ng pagiging estudyante ko, hindi pa rin ako nakahahanap ng katulad nila. My awesome friends really set the standards high.
Sa isang iglap, namataan ko ang sarili kong nagbukas ng Messenger application. Bumugad agad sa akin ang makalat kong inbox. Sa dami ba naman ng mga group chats na nabuo nitong college, hindi ko na makita agad ang mga messages na para sa akin talaga. Damn college!
Agad kong hinanap ang group chat naming magkakakaibigan. When I say "my friends", that only meant my high school barkada dahil nitong nag-college freshmen naman ako, wala na akong itinuring pang totoong kaibigan.
