Icarus (INFREQUENT UPDATES)

Shower Thoughts

Warning.

Unlike my other stories, this one hinges off of what happened in the manga.

If you don't want spoilers, this is not the place.

Just a warning.

***

Hawks didn't know how long he had been asleep. An hour? Maybe less? He couldn't sleep much. Even less so than before. At least before, the only thing he had been worried about was the fate of Japan. Just a bunch of faceless people who he had been raised to protect.

Now, he kept thinking about his own life, and how much he had fucked it up.

He looked over at the clock on his bedside. 2:24 shone in bright green numbers. Of course, there was probably no use in trying at this point anyway. He wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep.

With a yawn, he forced himself to get out of bed. He had more blankets on his bed than normal. It was cold in his apartment, but he knew he deserved it.

He grabbed another one of the shirts that had been left at his house. They were warmer than his own, with no built in holes in the back to accommodate for the wings that were no longer there.

Starting up the water, Hawks thought back to the fight from a month ago. How he lied his way into a league full of people who cared about him more than most others. How he betrayed those same people. How he killed probably the only person who liked him for the person he was.

How he will never be able to live out the feelings he had developed.

Hawks looked in the mirror to see the scar that sat on his face. There was no fixing it, but he knew he deserved it. His eye was discolored slightly and he was nearly blind in it, but at this point it didn't bother him.

He knew he deserved it anyway.

With his dirty clothes now in a pile on the bathroom floor, he stepped inside the shower. The water was a bit too warm for his liking, but he ignored it. He had just been complaining to himself about how cold it was, so he'd be fine.

He felt the water burn at his back, every drop of water hurting the scarred skin more. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as it had when he got the scar. Nothing could compare to that pain.

Well, except for the emotional pain he was dealing with, but he did his best to ignore it. He had so much more time to deal with that, especially after he had to retire from his job. Can't exactly use his quirk if his wings were burned away.

Hawks felt what was left of the joint try to move when the water hit it. It felt, weird, to say the least. They tried to move these beautiful, magnificent wings that we're even there anymore. They felt so free, moved so easily, but he hated it. It felt so weird, and it probably looked weird without a doubt.

He sighed, stepping back so the water started to run through his hair. It felt good to wash his hair after a few days of moping around his apartment. He was scared to close his eyes though. Every time he did, he always saw two faces.

One of them belonged to Twice, Jin Bubaigawara. It always made him want to be able to go back in time, made him wish he could've stopped everything without having to loose him.

The second belonged to Dabi, real name unknown to the public. Hawks had heard him say his name before he was saved, but doubted that he would want him to call him by that.

What was he thinking? Of course he didn't. He wanted him dead. Of course, that wasn't unjustified, not in the slightest. Hawks had killed Twice, a friend to nearly anyone who came across him. He would probably want him dead too.

All he could remember from before Tsukuyomi had come to save him was Dabi burning into his skin. How the flames ate at him, burning him. Surprisingly, he didn't die from that. He had been saved, loosing consciousness almost immediately after.

When he had come to, Hawks was face down one again with his back exposed. Doctors and nurses surrounded him, trying multiple variation of quirks to try and fix him. He hadn't made any effort to get up, instead just closing his eyes again.

He didn't wake up for a week, his back flat against the bed. As soon as he did wake up, he knew what had happened, and knew he wouldn't be able to fly again. Yet, even when the doctors broke the news that there wasn't anything they could do, he still felt heartbroken.

His wings, huge and powerful and beautiful, he wouldn't have them again. Unless his own body could produce bone, (Which tests that were done before he could leave the hospital denied the possibility of,) he wouldn't be able to fly again. All he has now as a reminder were the scars on his back and what remained of the unharmed joints that allowed him to move them.

No matter how many times he told himself that he deserved it, that he needs to keep his mouth shut and accept it, he just couldn't. The sky was his safe space. And now, he couldn't fly or be with the man who had taken that from him.

Of course, it was his fault. He was going to have to live with it.

Hawks didn't know how long he had been in the shower, but by the time he realized that he was lost in thought, the water was freezing. He shivered, turning off the water and grabbing his towel before drying himself off.

Stepping out, he got the shirt off the counter. It was white, just a white shirt. But that wasn't it. It was Dabi's shirt. There were no slits in the back for his wings. That was fine, he didn't need them anymore anyway.

Hawks finished getting dressed, heading back to his bed before flopping onto it forwards. He half expected his wings to fall overtop of him, but they didn't. With a huff, he pulled the blankets over top of him, laying on his side.

Now what?

He couldn't sleep.

He was too scared to.

He didn't want to be haunted by what had happened a month ago.

By what he had done.

***

Chapter one is done.

I just want to apologise for everything.

I have been given permission to kill off characters if I kill them both off, so I'm going to keep that in mind.

Anyway, love y'all :)

🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🏳️‍🌈