Good Vibes (Indefinite HIATUS)

My Friendship Sentiment

I've learned quite painfully that the absence of others in my life is damaging. It creates an emptiness that nothing can fill. A devoid wound only reparable by means of bonding and communication. Something I lack more times in my life than I need to experience.

I feel like...there really is no one in this world I can confide in. Not right now, anyway. Maybe there is someone. Someone I won't be meeting for a long time based on how things are.

I am a loner, a recluse. That fact has cost me more pain in my life than I can hope to heal at this point. And it gets in the way of so much, how annoying.

Perhaps my standards have risen. No. Maybe there's just no one within reach who can align with my criteria. My trust in people has been destroyed time and again, but not due to any dramatic betrayal. Its simply due to the gradual loss of novelty and in its inconsistency of remaining original to each and every individual I come across. Its natural for that to occur, I suppose.

Say you have dined in a new and increasingly popular restaurant. When you first consume a fantastic dish, its a delightful feeling. Its new and spectacular, so that's how it feels in the beginning. But after a while of indulging in it, you soon grow weary of the taste. Because after so long, you know what to expect. The flavors that once enthralled you just don't wow you anymore. Indeed, just as one gradually loses interest in others, migrating from one social group to another, you try cuisine of different cultures. So, I confusedly conclude that in order to gain and keep the friendship of others, you must perform in a changeable manner, never lacking genuineness, but still managing to draw in the individual for long periods of time without them losing their enthusiasm- the same one that would have brought them to you in the first place. Not always by humor, but by quality. Like TV shows or book series; they have to create a varying balance of their genres to keep the viewer interested so as to not lose money for all the effort and time put in to entertain you. Friendship doesn't mean two or more people constantly checking up on each other, always chatting and texting every week. Just that the intermingled individuals are still able to have heart-to-heart convos and still remind each other that they are still loved and thought of by them despite the many things they are involved in or engrossed in their personal lives.

It all sounds hardly plausible to me, but I like to tell myself that it won't discourage my endeavor for it. Because even though I'm always the one on the recieving end of someone else's neglect, disrespect, selfishness and self-absorption, I continue to remain kind and empathetic (a lot to a point where I make suppositions for some of their actions). I stay understanding and honest when the person who claims to care for me is the opposite. I strongly avoided being judgmental about things out of my emotions, because reacting like that never did anyone any good. Of course, I'm no saint, but I have to wonder where I go wrong.

If I'm being honest, this is one of the most challenging things I've yet to overcome. No, I don't need friends to feel validated. That would be pathetic. I've been a loner for years out of my own distrust and anxiety, but fairly, to prove that fact alone.

However...

I won't deny that I want to have someone by my side. I don't think I'm asking for much, but I guess I am. My boundaries have thickened twice as much as they were. My expectations have heightened. And my convictions have only gotten stronger over my relationship goals and beliefs. Now, those are all powerful, positive changes, be it to or not to my detriment. But there's no way of testing and knowing with this quarantine.

As you can probably tell, I'm deeply invested in this personal evaluation. Just shows how much time I spend pondering this. I'm far from desperate, but close to my desire to understand my pain and my failures to form and keep bonds with people, both on my behalf and their own.