Eliza Gilbert | Damon Salvatore *EDITING*

The Journal.

Dear Jenna,

People don't realize how slow a death of a person is to someone. That person never goes away in your heart, there's a hole left in your life where that person used to be. They tell you time can only heal your wounds but, time only allows you the realization of the times where that person will never be at. You'll never see us graduate, I'll never see your wedding, you'll never walk me down the isle, you'll never eat a tub of ice cream with me while crying on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy. You'll sit down one day and realize that chair that, that person occupied will never be sat at again. When you sit in a quite room you'll never hear their laugh or voice again. It's been a whole summer without you and I find myself sitting at the end of the stairs waiting for the door to open and for you to give me that smile you always held and tell me to get off my ass and help you with the groceries. Losing mom and dad was bad enough but now I realize how impossibly small my family is now. I find myself waiting for the news that another person I love will be taken from me.

Alaric misses you, god does he miss you. He showed me his mother's ring he had been carrying in his pocket for weeks waiting for the right moment to pop the question and to spend the rest of his life with his soulmate. Two weeks after burying your body CPS showed up to officially declare us orphans. They tried to take Jeremy from us before Alaric declared that he would take us, one week later Rick signed the papers becoming our legal guardian. He refuses to go upstairs because of your memory... At times I wake up from reliving your death screaming at the top of my lungs before Alaric decided to start sleeping on my floor as Jer would usually climb into my bed at night with tears still falling down his face. I willingly took on Saltzman as my surname, Jeremy wanted to as well but I told him that he was the only one that could carry on the Gilbert name and he understood, I hope mom and dad aren't mad at that fact I just wanted Rick to understand that he's our family now and that we were serious about him being apart of it, no matter how shattered it is. I moved mom and dads stuff from the master bedroom before forcing Rick to start sleeping there, I hope they aren't mad but I couldn't watch Rick keep sleeping on the couch. He's our dad now...I honesty believe that he came back to this town to fill that spot, and I know that dad would have loved him too.

Elena refuses to look or talk to me...she blames me for your death and I don't blame her. I don't know how I stood by and watched as your life drained from your eyes, I guess karma has a way of showing itself to me. Damon has been ignoring me, going out on trips across state lines to try and bring Stefan home, he's been unsuccessful. I guess I deserve the pain I feel when he refuses to even take my calls, sometimes I call him during the night after a nightmare just to pour my heart out to him on his voicemail, he hasn't called me back once. But then again how could I have allowed you to have been taken from us? I wish every night it was me that died on that cold slab of rock next to the lake. I don't think I've stepped once into the boardinghouse, Andie seems to enjoy Damon's company everyday when all I receive is fleeting glances. How could this have come to this? Jenna I'm sinking and I don't want to fight it, I'm drowning even though I know how to swim.

How do you fight for love when you've just about given up on it? That pain in my chest has amplified...it's too painful to even fake a smile in front of Matt at his lame ass jokes. I told him I loved him...I poured my heart out to the one man ill always love and yet it seems he has forgotten our confessions on his death bed...maybe I'm just not cut out for life after all. Katherine has stated that there was never meant to be two doppelgängers and I'm just destined for sorrow. I see the laughter in Andies eyes when I look for Damon with sorrow, begging for forgiveness even though it had not been my fault. I've lost him Jenna and I don't see those fleeting glimpses of the past anymore....maybe he's stoped liking me, maybe Andie really is made for him and I'm just dragging my broken heart along on a leash, for it too heavy to carry on my own. Maybe he does blame me for Stefan being taken away from him, at this point everything has been my fault and I don't know how to process that.

My birthday is tomorrow...and the wish I'll make as I blow those candles out is to end my miserable experience on this earth, I've given up.

Hey guys...I just wanted to add a small glimpse into Eliza thoughts going into season 3, she might seem a little weird but I wanted to add more of an emotion angle...thanks guys so much for your support during these past few weeks it been hard to process but seeing you guys enjoy the book brings me a sense of hope for better days.