I was Never Skinny Enough

9|I am Ok I am Sorry

Today, I had a piece of cake. Probably 500kcal. 

All of a sudden, I felt such a strong urge to eat I couldn't stop. 

8 pieces of bread.

8 slices of cheese.

4 packets of Oreo. 

1 pack of chips.

2 cones of ice cream.

All at one go in the kitchen while my parents were sleeping. 

No matter how full I got, I couldn't stop. 

I couldn't. 

I really, couldn't.

No matter how hard I tried, I felt the need to eat and eat. 

I wanted cake. I wanted chips. I wanted more bread. 

And when I finally stopped, I found myself crying in a corner.

As usual, regretting. 

Holding my half eaten bread, it felt like I was back to square one.

I stood infront of my mirror.

With my puffed up face and bread,

I realised how fat and pitiful I was.

Just another fat, short, ugly individual. 

I despise myself.

The efforts I put it in to eat as little as possible, the exercises I did in the noon.

They were all gone.

Just like that. Gone.

Where did I go wrong, again?

Why? Why can I not just be skinny? Why am I constantly stuck in this loop?

I feel like my life is falling apart.

My friends, they are all skinny. 

Fast metabolism.

I wish I had it. 

I wish I knew myself better. 

I wish I had anorexia or bulimia or an allergy to food. 

I want all these to stop. STOP.

Is it that tough? 

I have had enough. 

I don't know what is going on. 

I want to cry.

I am crying.

I wish I knew I how to stop this.

I am tired.

This obsession of being skinny. This type of eating. 

Relapsing almost every once in a while. 

she tells me to exercise everyday.

I did and I still do. Regardless of how tired or busy I am. 

she says I should diet.

I did and I still do. 

But she doesn't come out and stop me when this happens. 

Shouldn't she be with me everyday? 

she says I am getting larger day by day.

I am, there's no doubt.

The pictures, the double chin, the thighs.

I have lost all confidence to post pictures about myself on social media.

What if people start noticing my weight gain?

What will they say?

Will they laugh? Will they stop looking at me the same way as before? Will they not find me attractive anymore?

Nobody likes plus sized girls right? Especially not in an Asian country right?

That's what my mum says. 

Am I ok? I think I am. 

Will I be ok? I should be.

Must I be ok? I need to.

How did I go from a girl who preaches about self love, to a girl who hates herself?

How? 

I am so sorry. 

To the people who had trust, faith and hopes in me.

I am sorry I disappointed you. I am sorry I disappointed her too. 

I can't be the skinny, pretty girl in everyone's mind no matter how hard I am trying to. 

I have been trying really hard. I promise.

I cry and cry after every single binge eating episode but I have never learnt from any of my mistakes. 

How pathetic. 

I am ashamed of You.