Me and my experiences

Depression

I am someone with depression that can get dangerous. I have had to go to the hospital twice for attempted suicide.

I know it is the weak way out

I know it was selfish

I just wasn't at my best times

My depression haunts my mind every single day. My inner demons echo in my mind.
If they know the real you they'll leave. You are a monster don't let others see that. You'll always do something wrong. You'll never be good enough. Don't get out of bed you'll only make things worse. No one likes you being there. Just shut up

And recently my depression has gotten worse. I have lost two friends over some dumb fight. I was told what I did wrong and this heightened my voices. It was deafening.

Still I listened all the way through. Not without breaking though. I laughed at her once. That was my biggest mistake. I broke. I laughed. She left.

Yes, I know this is really childish of me, but hey, I'm a childish person. It was more pain for me than any physical wound could hold, and I haven't been able to process it.

To show what that's like. Imagine having a giant 100 pound weight on your back. It's forcing you to work harder to just walk around. If you could just put it down it would be easier to walk again... but... it won't let you... you can't put it down because you can't touch it. Not with your hands at least.

Just imagine... the two people you felt you could depend on now hates you. One of them your love. She was beautiful kind and smart. The second one. Her best friend. You met them both as friends and you have been friends for a few years or so. Now you get in a fight with your love. You haven't been doing enough. You haven't been taking the right actions. You are strange for some habits. You called them a cheater. Well... they hate being called a cheater even if it was just how you were feeling. Now their best friend is mad at you. You're best friend is mad at you. She begins to ignore you and sure she will answer her phone but will expect you to need something.

Now you hurt. The voices get louder.
You monster! You were yourself and they now hate you for it! Your feelings only hurt others! You only keep hurting yourself! You can't even keep one good friend! You trusted them and you know they would never harm you unless you caused it! You never should have existed! They would have been so much better off if you were gone! Why try to push through it! This is what you're life will be forever! You be yourself! You hurt them! They leave! All because you are some freak who will never EVER be kind.

You talk with you're therapist he tries to comfort you but it doesn't work. You know it's your fault. You know you're a bad person. You know you deserve all of the pain! You know you're a mistake.. and you hate yourself every single day for it!

I still hear about them. I know that they are better without me. They are probably not even thinking about it anymore. I am just stuck here. Suffering. Alone. Stuck in my own head just waiting to feel all the held back pain I'll feel when I process what happened that day. Then that weight snaps and lands on the ground injuring me in the process.

When that time comes I will be truely broken.

I will be alone

I will deal with the karma I have earned.

Just the last time.

Events repeat and in a few years

Like last time

I will be met with the same problem but different people.