back to you {chapters 1-4 out now}

•𝑜𝑛𝑒

𝐜 𝐡 𝐚 𝐩 𝐭 𝐞 𝐫 • 𝐨 𝐧 𝐞 : 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

i wake up with the reminder that i'm still here, in this bedroom, in the house, all alone. i don't mind it though, i've accepted the fact that i'm bound to be alone forever, it's just fate.

it's been weeks, maybe even months since we last had a conversation. i've wrote to him in song, on yellow paper in a notebook, but nothing more. if you ask me how i've been without him, i respond with a "fine" or "very well", but i drown myself in our memories nightly.

i'm not sure how it is for him, really. he's most likely doing what he loves, which is making music, and finding some new girl to love. i let him down, i let him go, but it's not him who's heartbroken anymore, it's me.

there's a sharp pain in my left temple, which indicates i have a headache. i don't want to get out of bed. not that i'm lazy, i'm just exhausted of the whole world. my album, 1989, comes out in a week and i'm on a constant grind. but i have to get up, i have interviews, paparazzi photos, fake smiles, reputations to hold, i have everything on my shoulders, and on top of that, i have him.

i walk to the kitchen and search for headache pills. i've had one too many headaches recently, most likely because i run myself out energy daily. i'm surprised that i'm still alive, really. i live off coffee and granola bars. it's quite funny how my life has changed over the course of a year. last year, i was happily in a relationship, on a successful tour, writing 3 songs a day, and now i'm just taking everything by day.

it would've been our anniversary today. we would've been sitting at my dining room table talking about something that happened in the past week, laughing and smiling. it would've been the best day. little did i know last year i would be here. i don't think you really think about that. you don't think about how time move so quickly when you're in love. i guess that's the price i must pay.

i've learned to stay as far away as i can to people who know him, who talk to him, who are friends with him, because somehow, somewhere, he will appear again. wether it's in conversation, social media, or physically. i wonder if he understands where i'm coming from, if he knows that i want him back and he's using that to his advantage to make my life completely miserable.

i don't want anybody but him. i've rejected so many guys because i want him. i want to talk to him, i want to hear his laugh again, i want it all back. but, i know i won't get it. i have to let him go, and that's what i'm going to do.