Zayn is low key at his lowest point and Harry wants to help. Getting high apparently is a nice intermediary. Kinda really sad? But it will get better eventually so I guess it balances out?
Zayn
I pecked Harry's lip as I sat down in between his legs.
"I agreed but I don't like when you smoke as a way of getting rid of your stress and issues. I can help you with that and you know it baby." He pouted when I started rolling the blunt.
"Yes I know Haz but it's not like that. It makes me feel like I'm not here, like I can't think and it's what I need. With you it's different. You make me feel good. Happy, really. But I just want to not feel anything, just...float." I tried to explain as best as I could.
"I don't like the sound of it. You literally sound like you want to die Zee.." I bit my lip, stopping my actions as I looked down. He gasped. "Zayn-"
"Don't. I'm okay Harry." I cut him off, not wanting him to lecture me.
"No you are not okay. I knew it. I had a feeling that it was worse than what you were letting it appear to be, but not that bad!" He exclaimed, sitting up.
"It's not that bad babe please stop." I groaned.
"First of all give me that. We need to talk. Now." He snatched everything from my hands and I sighed. "Come lay on me." He said, his voice softer this time.
I snuggled into his arms and he kissed my forehead longingly. I could feel so many emotions through that kiss. His love for me was literally being transferred from his heart to his lips to my forehead and straight into my heart.
I choked on a sob and soon tears were falling down my cheeks.
"Let it go Zayn. It's okay to cry." He whispered, his lips unlatching from my forehead, his hand rubbing up and down my back comfortingly.
"Harry.." I sobbed, clutching his hoodie in my fists, pulling him closer.
"Yes baby. I'm right here. Not going anywhere. It's going to be okay." He said as he hugged me closer, his other hand massaging my scalp.
My body was shaking as I sobbed, letting all the tears I've been holding throughout all these years finally fall. It felt amazing to finally let go of them.
"Talk to me Zayn please. I don't like seeing you sad." He pleaded, looking straight into my eyes when I calmed down and we pulled away from the embrace.
"I- I don't know how to say it. The way I feel... It's so hard to even understand myself and those fucking emotions." I finally said, looking at his pink lips.
"There." He said, putting the joint in between his lips. He lit it up and took a long drag. He closed his eyes and opened them when he released the smoke.
"For each drag you take, tell me whatever is on your mind. Doesn't matter if you think it doesn't make sense. Just say it. Yeah?" I nodded. "Here you go." He handed me the joint and I inhaled the smoke, closing my eyes as I felt it in my lungs. I sighed in content, releasing the smoke.
"Death. I want to die. Sometimes." I said, slowly fluttering open my eyes. My heart broke when I caught a glimpse of Harry's green orbs, they were filled with sadness.
"Why?" He asked in a whisper. "Why do you feel like that and when?" He added, his voice cracking.
"Babe-" I started, not liking how it was affecting him.
"No. Take the puff and tell me." He cut me off. "I can take it." I sighed and did as told.
"I keep thinking about my past and how unhappy it makes me. I mean I am happy with you but the things that happened to me are always on my mind and I can't seem to let go of it. I just wish-" I stopped, taking few other puffs to have the courage to say it.
"I don't want to be me. I want to end it. Whenever I think about it. I feel horrible. I don't want to be that Zayn. I know I currently am not anymore,but the old Zayn is a part of me that I will never be able to get rid of if I don't..end it."
I let go of my breath that I didn't know I was holding. I couldn't believe that I finally told someone how I felt. I was so afraid to look up at Harry. I just looked at his naked torso and frowned at the way it was rising up and down quickly.
I looked up only to find him staring back at me, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.
"Babe." I gasped. And the first tear fell.
"Why can't I make you feel good. I just want you to embrace yourself and feel happy. With or without me. I just want you to be happy." He sobbed, putting his head in his hands.
I bit my lip as my own tears threatened to fall.
"Just tell me what I can do Zayn please. I just want to make you happy. Always." He whispered, looking back up at me.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make it about me." He sniffled, quickly whipping away his tears.
"Harry don't say that, you didn't make it about you I get it." I smiled sadly. "Can we just smoke for now? And hold me. Please." He nodded and I laid my back against his torso loving the warmth.
"I want to end it like I said but I know I never will. Because of you, because of our friends, because of my family." He hummed, caressing my belly as I took another drag.
"Actually at some point, before we started dating, I didn't care anymore. I just felt as if I died nobody would care. Or if they did care that they would quickly get over it, you know?" I closed my eyes, memories of the day springing back.
"I almost did it. But at this precise moment, you texted me. One of your dumb ass messages, like always." I chuckled, tears falling down.
"You were telling me how you were so excited to see me and that you even missed my smelly farts." I could feel my shoulder getting wet.
"First of all my farts don't even smell." I said, trying to lighten up the mood a bit. I hated to make him feel this way when none of this was his fault. He giggled so I carried on.
"I saw it and the fact that you were looking forward to see me and that you missed my presence, I just-" I choked on a sob.
"I stopped everything, took a nice steaming shower and called you. And that was the first time we stayed on the phone throughout the whole night, slept and woke up together. You saved me Harry. So you did and still do more than enough. Trust me."
"I just love you so much." He whispered, his arms tightening around me. I smiled.
"And I love you so much more." I said after taking another puff. "I know it will get better babe, I just need a little time. I will get help." I silently promised. I finally decided that I had enough of the weeping around. I don't ever want to make Harry feel that way and I talking about it made me realize that I really am fed up with feeling that way myself.
"I don't want to rush you but I appreciate that you agree to get some help." He whispered, kissing my temple.
"Anything for us, for you. I love you Harry."
He smiled against my temple, kissing it again.
"I need you to do it for you baby. I love you more." I nodded and we finished the joint then went to sleep, with hopes and promises of a better tomorrow.
Sowwyyyyy
