Letters and Lilies

Day 1

December 20th, 2019. Exactly an hour since his heart broke. He sat by her bedside and cried silently, staring at the flattened pillow where her head once lay. She was gone, and there was nothing he could do about it. Part of him had known what was going to happen beforehand, and yet it had only just hit him now. The doctors told him that it wasnt looking good for her, and they had done all they could have, and yet he was angry. She was never coming back. He already missed her and he wondered who would say hello to him when he walked in the door from work. He thought about who would lie next to him when he fell asleep the following night. He let the truth set in that he would never feel her in his arms again. He slowly accepted that she was gone, he picked up a pen and wrote her a letter. A letter to tell her all the reasons he loved her, and a letter to properly say goodbye.

Dear Anna

I miss you a lot already.

You left me here when I was still madly in love with you, and I can't stop repeating our last moments together in my mind, silently cursing that I couldn't find the courage to tell you just how much I loved you. It's just that the wistful look in your eyes always took my words away. But today was different. We looked at each other through glassy eyes, with tears threatening to pour over our cheeks like waterfalls. I think in the silence between our breaths, I heard two hearts shatter as you slipped from this earth.

I will spend a lifetime chasing the past, trying to catch the breath I lost when I first looked into those starry eyes. I was scared of love when I first met you, and so I ran. And honestly darling, I've been running ever since. My heart races as I chase memories of you through woodland trails that we once walked, across oceans we once sailed, and up mountains we once climbed. My heart beats so fast that I think it makes up for all the beats it skipped when I first fell in love with you. I will spend a lifetime chasing the past, although I'm not entirely sure what I'd do with it if I ever caught it.

I shall be lying under the stars tonight, and I'll pretend I don't see your name written among them. They'll illuminate the distance between us, and I'll wonder if you are out there, listening to my every word as I whisper it into the wind. I'll wonder if you're out there on the other side of the night as you always were. I'll wonder who would have thought an empty heart could weigh so much?

I was so sure that your broken pieces fitted perfectly with mine. But I guess your sharp love broke me more, and shattered us beyond repair. Now that you're gone, it feels as if there are shards of broken heart littered around me like the glass of whisky bottles I have tried to find answers at the bottom of. These shards of broken heart are a lasting reminder of the final words that left your lips. These sharp glass like pieces are embedded into my skin, drawing blood with each small movement, doing all they can to leave me afraid of the future.

2am is no longer for us lovers, asleep in each other's arms. It is for the lonely. The people that can't sleep because their hearts are at war with their minds. Longing for somebody who isn't there. 2am is for the ones that drink themselves into amnesia. The ones who no longer know if they want to drown in love or in whisky.

We chose not to acknowledge how time and lost hope had worn the pillars of our love as our flame slowly died out and we became ruins. The embers of our fire still crackle although you are gone, and I'll be left awfully chilly come each winter storm without you there to hold me in your arms. Thinking back to the last time we sat together watching the snowfall from behind the condensation on the glass, I remember how it felt to see our fire get put out by the winter's blanket and to bid our love goodbye as I kissed you one last time before you cried out in pain and I cried as I rushed you to the hospital.

Now all I have left of you is this baby. She's sleeping in my arms as peacefully as an angel, as gentle teardrops hit the page below and mix with the ink. It's hard to imagine that this innocent child is what caused your death. Your parents are on their way to the hospital now to meet their first grandchild. I'm yet to break the news to them that you didn't make it, god knows they already had enough trouble in their lives without having to deal with the death of their daughter. Your sister as well... How can I ever tell Rachel? She's loved you for her entire life and I've only known you for two years. I knew you for such a short time, and yet this precious creature only knew you for seconds before the life started draining from you. She'll live her life with no mother, but me? I'll have to live the rest of my life with your ghost haunting my broken heart. 

What we had was perfect until this baby came along. You weren't strong enough to carry her, and yet you were so adamant that she deserved a life, even if it meant that she'd take yours. Part of me feels bad for her though, she was born into a broken family. She has no mother, and her father will never be able to look at her without being reminded of what he gave up to ensure her life. I already miss the way I felt when I saw your face light up in a sunny smile, or when our fingers touched and small sparks were set off within our chests. Darling, I miss the way you looked, I've never known anything to wear the sunlight quite like you. Now my sun has set, and our love is no more.

This will probably be the first of many letters. All I can say is that I hope you are happy. Whatever happiness is.

Love Robert Hamilton