The Reflection We Fear || Taekook

Chapter 7: Mirror, mirror on the wall

Sitting in Jungkook's range rover at nine o'clock in the morning was something that Taehyung was getting accustomed too. The low, relaxing humming of the car, Jungkook's hand resting on his thigh, occasionally drawing languid circles onto the material of his slacks, in an attempt to comfort the elder. The heat of his palms was something that Taehyung found missing when he thought back to the small trip, he took alone back to Jungkook's building. He found that he craved that heat Jungkook provided whenever they got into a car together. The heaviness of his palms that weighed on his thigh.

To some certain extent it did calm him. He knew that in the car nothing could happen, and that meant there weren't going to be any surprises. But the thought of Taehyung wanting his hands on him wasn't something he should be feeling; and that scared Taehyung as much as anything else. He knew that this act Jungkook sported every day, was an act of ownership. He belonged to Jungkook. He knew that and so did the younger. So naturally, Taehyung wondered if he would be able to get away now. He knew that there were slim chances to this from the beginning, but now that Jungkook was so close to him almost all the time, he didn't think he would have any chance. Even so, the young man's thoughts, no matter how concerning these were, weren't circling around Jungkook as much as rather what Taehyung had done in a matter of days. Besides these things he didn't think Jungkook's disregard to personal space was the most concerning. Or the fact that Taehyung was minding it less and less. After yesterday's events he felt his moral compass bent even more.

Taehyung found himself wondering back to that memory more often than he would have liked or would be healthy for that matter. The scene, playing on repeat in his mind as if there was a broken cassette in his brain that played just that one part. No matter how much he tried to avert his thoughts, there was no way he could do that for more than five minutes. It was pretty obvious why his sad attempt at forgetting didn't work. Because the human brain likes to fuck you over and makes you think about the things you don't want to. Just like when someone would tell you-"Don't think of pink elephants"-you're going to fucking think of pink elephants.

In the duration of time he spent looking over some basic files, Seokjin had sent him to get more accustomed to how things should be running, he thought of Woo more often than not, therefore making his job that much harder. He was still able to memorise most of the numbers and different establishments, the connections between them, deals that have been made, even contracts and covenants with foreign businesses, that were made in the past, by both Jungkook and his father. Reading all of these, gave Taehyung a huge insight but also a wake-up call, to the extent of Ryong Baem Pa's influence. This wasn't something that was only found in Seoul. No, when they talked about an empire, they really meant it. This went beyond Taehyung, beyond Seoul, even beyond fucking South-Korea; and yesterday Taehyung only got a glimpse of what could lie beyond these numbers.

But not even the numbers and ties could completely distract him from the heaviness that landed on his chest and never left. At times Taehyung found it hard to breathe, to just focus on his breath coming in and out of his slack lips. And he would often find himself hyperventilating. Making himself caught up in things more and more. He had to be numb, but he couldn't be. He wished he could be, but it didn't happen. He didn't know how his switch worked but he found it hard to cope with the fact it didn't always come. He just wanted to feel numb again. To feel nothing and be completely surrounded by that sensation, knowing this way it wouldn't hurt.

Maybe it was Jungkook's presence that made him feel that way. Made him wash all of his morals away, all of his emotions and just be. Just exist, in a body that Jungkook controlled. He could understand why that would seem likely. Why Jungkook would make him feel numb, because whatever he was doing the man just made it seem like it was okay. It's okay to torture and kill. It's okay to humiliate, and it's okay to give up on pretences. But after Jungkook's presence was gone, he could feel the same kind of guilt, the only guilt he could feel. The same guilt he felt with Han being strangled. He couldn't really understand that though. This time he was actively hurting someone, and all he could feel was the guilt of not feeling guilt. Taehyung found that he couldn't care less about the fact he tortured a man, that he removed his nails and smashed his hands with a hammer. This, scared Taehyung a lot more than Jungkook did. He was scared of himself and that was something he couldn't cope with. It was as if Jungkook was holding up a mirror in front of him and his once clean, but empty reflection was starting to crack.