wrest

nostalgia - best decision

"Naina, make it fast we are already late", Suriya called from the garage, while I was trying to fit my foot into the shoes that he bought me, having zero idea of my size. It was my first day back to my court and I was not yet sure if I could do it again or not. Thoughts of my dire performance had a good place in my mind and my past haunted me like the monster in temple run.

Suriya kept explaining since  when we were returning to Hyderabad last month. He was such a sweetheart, I couldn't just take my eyes off him. He was the only person who loved me so unconditionally after my dad. And another common point between my dad and him was that both of them wanted me forget my past and go back to playing.I hardly had any hope on that but wanted to try it too.

Though Suriya always made the point that it wasn't my mistake at all, it's those idiots who did this all,  and I have to prove them all that I haven't become weak with what they had done to me, but still, I was unsure of the things happening around.

I felt like I just lost my confidence, which I had back then.. There's always a wrong assumption that when someone had gone through a tough time, people consider even the early stage, when they are out of it, it's the end of their state of being unstable. But it's a complete no.

That instability haunts us right from beginning to the end that we consider as death, until and unless we find a guardian angel born for us.

But people never understand this. I think including chapters about mental health and mental suffering is more important than sex education, parts of plants and the solar system...!!

I  was in a state where I started to doubt myself, if I could just play the same again or no... If I could just live my life the same way like before or no, especially without my dad.... If I can just be able to lift up my trophy or no. With whom shall I even talk my heart out.

And the answer to all these questions, was Suriya. He became my confidence. He said I could just do, and I tried to the same, and yes I did it..

But that day, it was something different. It was a month that we came to Hyderabad and we stayed in Suriya's house as I didn't feel I was ready to go back to my house.

Suriya felt, it was time for me to go back and play again, and I said yes. On our way to the court, I just felt nostalgic and I badly wanted to go to my house and take the kit that my dad gifted me.

I told Suriya the same, and we made our way to my  house.

I nervously got out of the car and slowly went to unlock the door. The door was full of dust and the house had a weird smell, as it  was locked for months together.

I walked in and as I went in the visuals of all my memories in that house flashed.

I could see my dad presenting me my favourite Yonex bat at 12 o' clock at night on my birthday. I could see us both fighting for Nutella and bread. I could see us both exercising together in the garden area... and just in a flash....it was all past.

I just can't recreate non of those precious memories again... All I good do now was just to store all the good memories and move on to fulfill the dream of my dad...

Yes.

I think going back to my house before I start to play was one of the best decisions of my life.

Like people say, you gotta search for the thing right where you lost it, I started to search for my happiness which I lost the court, even when my dad stood up for our dream.

So yes dad.  Here I come. To rip the bloody depression into sweat and claim the trophies which had a long wait to get into my hands... 

Yeah I am ready. To fight. To defend. And to integrate the broken pieces of my life.